Diary of A Broken Heart
by Avila Grace
Summary: Pam's diary of her thoughts about life, work, Roy, Jim and everything in between. Starts with The Dundies and will continue until presentday time, and probably after. JAM.
1. The Dundies

_A/N: This is going to be a series of journal entries. I'm not sure if I'm going to stay completely Pam-sided, or if I will alternate between the two. Just depends on how the story works. Anyway, I'm going to try and do basically an entry for each episode we see, but it'll depend. PLEASE R&R. Constructive Criticism is awesome._

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September 22, 2005

Sometimes, when I'm playing Free Cell on my computer, I'm really not. I've got my computer set up just perfectly where I can look at the screen, but really look at him instead. All I have to do is look up slightly, and there he is. Perfect, as usual. I hate this job, but I love looking at him. Sometimes, I look a little too long and he can feel me staring at him, so I have to turn away. Sometimes, the phone rings and startles me, and I have to look down at the post it note on my desk to even remember how to answer the call. Sometimes, though, he'll turn his chair around, smile at me, and everything else will disappear.

I feel guilty feeling this way. I'm with Roy. I've been with Roy since I was 15, and I'll be with Roy until the day I die, if we ever get married. I don't understand why he's jerking me around the way he does. I've been with him for so long I just don't know who I am outside of him. It didn't bother me until I came here… And now there's Jim, my best friend, Jim. Maybe people have feelings like mine about their best friend all the time. I've never really had a best friend before. Maybe all of these feelings are just normal "best friend" feelings, and Roy, maybe he's really the love of my life. I guess that's all I have to hold onto… After all, nobody else is going to want me.

It wasn't so bad when Roy left me at Chili's the other day… I mean, I chose to stay. He wanted me to leave, but I said no to him. I don't normally do that, I guess it kind of took him by surprise… But I stayed, and I was so angry at him and so hurt by him I didn't know what to do… I didn't want Jim to see me upset, so I just had a few drinks… I don't remember much about The Dundies. I do remember that Kevin got some sort of award for farting. I asked Jim what happened, but he wouldn't tell me. He said it wasn't important. I must have done something really bad. I guess I'll just see it next year when I have to make another highlights video… I do know one thing, though. My trophy is different this year… I didn't get the "World's Longest Engagement" trophy, which is good. I have enough of those. And besides, my engagement is not the world's longest engagement yet. I googled it one day and this couple, Ocatavio and Adriana were engaged for 67 years. So Michael is stupid and wrong, as per usual…

I was pretty ecstatic about the award I did get. Whitest Sneakers. I'm not sure why I got it… Well, I mean, I know I got it thanks to my handy-dandy Keds… But how anyone convinced Michael to not give me that award, I don't know. Well, actually I do… Dwight told me. He was trying to be mean, I think, but really, it just made me happy. Apparently, Jim told Michael that everyone expected that award, and the he really should consider giving me a different award… And then Michael did. Jim's a good friend.

Roy and I are going to grab some pizza. Apparently, this is Roy's idea of a "date". Oh well, I'll take what I can get. Pizza and beer and sex. They do say your relationship starts to go down hill the more you're in it, right? I mean, under most circumstances, Roy and I would be married, and that's when your sex life goes down hill and everything, so we're right on schedule. Yep. I'm excited about the pizza part, at least… Even though Roy hates it when I eat pizza. I'll have two slices and I swear it's almost like I gained thirty pounds. Oh well, I think I'm just a little nitpicky today. "Free Cell" is more fun than dissing on Roy anyway.


	2. Sexual Harassment

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, guys? Seriously, if you read this, please review it so I know I'm not just posting these for no reason. I write for myself, but I post for you guys. I know all of the chapters are short, but it's because they're journal entries and so far nothing huge has happened in Pam's life.. Yet. Anyway, R&R and I hope you like it!

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September 31, 2005

Well, my mom just left, so that means things are back to normal here in Scranton. Roy is always on his best behavior around my mom. He's funny because when he's around the older women in my family, he feels like he needs to suck up and be caring and compassionate and all of those important things that I only get to see rarely… It's times like these, when my mom comes to town, that I realize why I'm marrying Roy. He really is a sweet guy, underneath all the gruff.

Recently, there have been a lot of jokes at my expense. It all started with the stupid sexual harassment video we all had to watch at DM last week. All because of Michael, of course. Apparently, corporate JUST caught on that he harasses all of his employees. If they would have asked me, I could have told them that. And then that stupid blow up doll. Jim calls her "Nancy." He thinks she's his girlfriend, which is pretty much a step up for Jim.

Ohh, and then Todd Packer came to the office. What a jerk! I mean, honestly. I AM NOT A LESBIAN! And I really don't appreciate Michael inferring that my partner is Jim's lesbian blow-up girlfriend Nancy. My mom heard Michael talking about my "lesbian experiences." That was pleasant.

Oh, and just for records sakes:

I **hate** Todd Packer. Oh, and yesterday when I was in the conference room, I actually saw the little DVD cube hit straight in the corner! It was so exhilirating!!!!!!!


	3. Office Olympics

A/N: Thanks to those of you who reviewed! I really appreciate it... To those of you who didn't, please don't be a silent reader! I love input, even bad input. This chapter touches on some things that weren't actually IN this episode (as did the previous one). It's just kind of what I think might have happened when the camera's weren't rolling... so, don't freak if you don't remember something happening. It probably didn't! Otherwise, enjoy and I'll get the next chapter up tomorrow, hopefully!

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October 4, 2005

Well, it's been an interesting week. It started with me stubbing my toe on Monday morning and ended with me stubbing it again on Friday afternoon. And that basically sums up my week. I mean, it was pretty boring. Other than the Olympics… and Michael buying a condo… and Roy disappearing for four hours—I'm still not completely sure why. Oh, and Michael had me change all of his magazine subscriptions. It was fantastic.

So, first, the Office Olympics. I'm not entirely sure how it all came about, but while Michael was out buying his condo, Jim was apparently not working (what a surprise) and found a game that Oscar and Kevin play during the day. Hateball or something like that. Anyway, he found out we always play little games (except he doesn't know about PamPong… I prefer to keep it that way) in the office and so he decided to make the Office Olympics.

Let me back up. Ever since I was a little girl I've loved yogurt. But only Mixed Berry. In fact, I love Mixed Berry so much that sometimes I forget to check the expiration date. When that happens, I see Stanley's face in the yogurt. Okay, tangent. So, point is, ever since I was a little girl, I've collected yogurt lids. Various reasons. Right now, it's in an effort to make Dwight and Michael think I'm weird so maybe they'll stop being sexually… inappropriate. Well, all of those yogurt lids came into good use during the Office Olympics. Yogurt lid art… that could be a thing…

So, the Office Olympics had many different games included in it. There were 5 events. The medals were gold, silver, and blue. The gold and blue came from my mixed berry, the silver ones came from the blueberry yogurt I always accidentally buy one of. It's so annoying! The blueberry yogurt picture is the same as the mixed berry one! Can't they change the pictures?

Okay, so the sports were: _Flonkerton_ (Box of Paper Snowshoe Racing), M&M (real name to come later), Horse, Elevator Rides, Coffee race

And the winners were:

_**Flonkerton**_-

1st- Phyllis

2nd- Kevin

3rd- Oscar

**Coffee Race**-

No winner. Interrupted by Dumb and Dumber.

**Horse**-

1st- Phyllis

2nd- Stanley

3rd- ME!

**Elevator rides**-

1st- Ryan

2nd-Meredith

3rd- Kelly

**M&M**-

1st- Kevin

Oh, and Michael bought a condo. And then he invited me over for "dinner and a pam, pam, thank you ma'am," to which I politely declined. The camera man, John told me that Michael responded to my refusal with the following comments, "You see… The thing about Pam is she's scared. She's scared I may be righter for her than Roy, and that scares her. But what she doesn't realize is, it scares me too. It scares me that she may be righter for me than Roy. So we're both scared."

He's so on crack.

So, anyway, even though the Olympics happened in Athens last summer, Jim brought them back to the office this year. It was nice. I still wish they had gymnastics, but then I realize that watching Phyllis, Stanley, Kevin and Meredith do gymnastics might have been more hurtful than helpful. That's not mean, is it?

So I said this week was boring, but I guess it really isn't…. I got to change all of Michael's magazine subscriptions, as well as the address filed for his credit cards because not only am I his personal secretary and surrogate mother that he wants to "pam, pam thank you ma'am," but I'm also the only one in the office that knows his address. Including him. What was funny was apparently Michael has never changed his address on anything, so he thought I would need all of this information… I now hold in my possession: his social security number, license and registration, bank statements for the past three months, a hairbrush with his first, middle and last name monogrammed into the handle, and a picture of he and his mother. Having this information gives me great power.

I looked through Michael's bank statements because I was curious, and he gave them to me, so it's not that bad, right? Well, let's just say Michael bought a celebrity sex tape. I have never known anyone to do that. It was 12.88 and it was entitled, "Natural Born Boobs 2," because I guess the first one lacked something. Ooh, maybe depth! Who buys celebrity sex tapes? They're such a rip off… Or so I've heard.

So, Michael buys celebrity sex tapes, and apparently, he eats at Juan's Chinese every night. I'm not sure what he thinks he's eating, but I make it a point not to buy Chinese from a man named Juan. Just like I wouldn't buy Mexican from a guy named Ching Chong Chang. Michael, however, is not me. He also put a stick of Winterfresh gum on his credit card, and Dwight's fitness orb. Well, I'm assuming that's what it was… I mean, it shows up on the statement as "fitorb" and was bought at Wal-mart… I mean, what else could that be?

Oh, and the best part… I wrote down a list of Michael's magazine subscriptions:

1. Horse and Hound

2. Maxim

3. Country Music Weekly

4. Cracked

5. Highlights

6. Soccer Jr.

Oh, and I forgot, but I want to expand my vocabulary. From here on out, I will have a word of the day. Maybe. If I remember.

Word of the Day: _**Flonkerton** _(Flahnc-er-ten)- _noun. _An icelandic sport, consisting of snowshoes, paper boxes, and flonkers. A conestant will slip their foot throught he flonkers on two paper boxes and proceed to race another contestant to the finish line. This word originated from Iceland.

Sentence: Although Nancy Drew liked baseball,_ Flonkerton_ was her sport of choice.


	4. The Fire

_A/N: Thanks for the reviews on the last two chapters :) They make me smile! Please R&R on this one too so I know what you guys want to see more/less of. I've already got the next chapter written, so whenever I feel like posting it (which depends on if people are reading it) I'll post it. Also, I have another fic up, it's called Out of My League, and its a songfic on Jim's thoughts about Pam in the period between when he left corporate and when he goes on his date with Pam. Read that one too!_

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October 6, 2005

Well, what a pleasantly eventful day today was. Not. Ryan nearly burned down hell with his flaming cheese pita and me, I got the wonderful realization that my fiancé would rather do the uptight bitch than me. Maybe he thought it wouldn't bother me, seeing as my self-esteem is so abnormally high since I've been dating him. I mean, I do have the supermodel image down, what with my cardigans, ratty hair, and pudge. Sometimes, I think Roy was only into me when we were younger because I was thin and easy. And I didn't care if our first date was him dragging me to a flipping hockey game with his brother and leaving me there when I went to the bathroom. Why am I marrying him again?

Oh, I remember now. He's the only one who will marry me. There's no one else in the world that would contemplate it, I'm sure. Even my best friend would rather go on lunch dates with Elle Woods' best friend than date me. Not that I'm complaining or jealous, I mean, I like Katy. She's nice, really nice… And she has an adorable car. And Jim's happy, so I'm happy. But that has nothing to do with me, the point is, I've been with Roy so long and I still have no idea why he's with me. I mean, he's really quite the looker (albeit an obnoxious one, but take some, leave some) So, anyway, moral of story, I don't deserve Roy, which he seemed to acknowledge when he picked Angela, yes, Angela, for his slut. I'm sorry, am I being rude.

I would think that if you're engaged to someone, you're automatically the default pick in Who Would You Do? I mean, it's simple. And if you're not going to pick your fiancée, you don't say that in FRONT of them. This is going to be my life. 70 years from now, I'll be playing Who Would You Do? with my nursing home buddies and Roy will say, "I'll pick the skinny blue-haired girl that looks like she's 10." And everyone will look at me. But you know what, maybe they won't think anything of it because we probably won't be married by then anyway.

Okay, enough of my ranting. I'm sweet, quiet Pam… The Pam that wouldn't hurt a fly. Yes, that's me. I'm the Pam that takes The Princess Bride on the dessert island with her… But then again, I'm also taking Edward Scissorhands, so go figure…

Well, Ryan nearly burnt down the office today. He stuck his cheese pita in the oven because he's five and doesn't know the difference between a microwave and an oven. And Dwight found it. Dwight. The master of all things stupid.

And let's see, what else did we do outside while singing _Ryan Started The Fire_, a parody of Billy Joel's classic hit. Nothing like Dwight and Michael to ruin classics. There's another one for the record books.

I am kind of confused about one thing… Jim… He's dating Katy, but yet, he would do Kevin. I'm not sure why that is. I mean, of all the men in the office he could have, he might as well take Michael. Michael probably has some experience with the guy-on-guy thing. In fact, he probably doesn't know the difference between the two.

And I thought Jim was dating Nancy? Why is Katy calling him now. This is what I don't understand about Jim's life. Why would he cheat on his European, blow-up, Lesbian girlfriend Nancy with Katy… I mean, Katy is nice-looking, but she doesn't parade around with her shirt off… But then again, maybe Jim's not Roy.

Oh, and another thing. This week, Roy and I have went out to dinner four times, and I have cooked for myself while he goes out to dinner three times. He has been to Hooters 5 times this week. 5! How many different sets of boobs can they have there to keep him occupied for five dinners? And why can't he just be happy with mine?

Let's see…. Other random oddities… Today I heard _Going __To The__ Chapel_ on the radio and I cried. Ryan is now known as "Fire-guy" and "Cheese-Pita boy." Creed asked me if I liked rock concerts, to which I said no. He touched my arm, too. I need to go wash it, I feel like I might convert to Satanism anytime… Um, I found out everyone in the office would do Jim… which is kind of comforting… Ooh, and I told Dwight that he should tell Ryan about his volunteer sheriff debutyness.

Oh, word of the day:

**Legally Blonde (le-****guh****-lee blah-****nde****)- **A movie staring Reese Whitherspoon, a ditzy Kelly-like blonde with the social graces of a peanut who's actually brilliant and attends Harvard because of her boobs but is an amazing courtroom girl and calls out Chuck on being gay because he knew what kind of shoes she wears.

Sentence: I am never, ever, ever allowed to take Legally Blonde on a desert island with me, but Katy is. Bitch.


	5. Halloween

_A/N: So I know this is a short update. And honestly, the reason for it is that this is one of my least favorite Office episodes ever. As is the one after it, which is my next update. So hopefully, after that they'll be longer. What I decided to do to try and help me write this entry (and the next one) is put a little more of Pam's feelings about Jim in the story, show you a little more confliction without being too overly obvious. I want to be subtle like The Office is, but I don't want to be because it sometimes annoys me a bit. I'm one of those people that wants to know every detail of Jam's relationship, which means when they start becoming more "it", you'll be reading more of every detail. For now, hang in there. This is part of the beauty of their relationship, even if we all groan and moan about it._

_AND PLEASE REVIEW!!! I keep getting updates in my emails about people adding my story to your alerts/favorites (THANK YOU!) but I would really appreciate some reviews. Also, if you have any suggestions, let me know. I'm not writing too far ahead with this fic, so I can work them in pretty easily._

_Enjoy as Pam bares her soul!_

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October 15, 2005

When I was a little girl, I loved Halloween. Mostly because of the candy. I really liked those little balls of chocolate. They're like M&Ms, but they're round… I don't remember what they are called. Sixlets or something… maybe. Anyway, I really liked the candy. I hated the dressing up part. One year, I dressed up like a dork. A kid actually asked me where my costume was… And I don't think he did it to be mean. I think he really didn't realize I was dressing up as a dork. That's the last time I dressed up. Except when I was a junior and Roy and I went to a costume party. I dressed up as a cheerleader. Roy told me I didn't dress slutty enough.

Well, working at Dunder-Mifflin under Michael usually means that we are free to dress up on Halloween. Until Jim came to work here, I never really did… But he was always a really bad costume dresser upper, so I had to put the office out of their misery and dress worse. Actually, he just said something to me about it and told me it was "unPam" to not dress up. So, since he's been working with me at Dunder-Mifflin, I've dressed up as the following: A pumpkin (which Roy informed me wasn't even cute on 9 month olds—so not true!), a kindergartner (in which Roy called me a baby prostitute and forced me to retire early for the night), an iPod (probably my best costume yet, other than that the click wheel was in kind of strange places), a tiger (to which Roy growled at me… lovingly.), and this year, I am a cat. With whiskers. And ears. I would rather not be slutty enough than have Roy growling at me. Or taking my clothes off without asking.

Jim won best costume of the year, in my opinion. While Dwight's Sith Lord was a close second, and Creed's vampire was a close third, the three-hole-punch Jim won by a landslide. I think if Jim had dressed up as a dorky paper salesman like he normally does, he still might have won.

Speaking of Jim, we had a bit of a fight earlier today. We were playing a prank on Dwight, as usual. We've been working on Dwight's resume for quite a long time, which isn't very hard to conjure up. He's been at Dunder-Mifflin for a while now, and so we figured we could get away with just having one employer. Well, then Jim was Michael Scott. Which was nice because if Dwight wasn't such an ignoramus, he might have actually gotten the job.

Which brings me to my next point, Devon is no longer employed at Dunder-Mifflin.

Back to my fight with Jim. So, the lucky business that was calling to inquire about Dwight K. Schrute was prepared to offer it's new employee twice of what the salesmen at Dunder-Mifflin make, and had better benefits and probably a better environment… I don't think the boss made any "that's what she said" jokes, which is always a big plus. So, I told Jim he should go for it, and he got offended. I guess I must have said it weird and implied that I wanted to get rid of him like I wanted to get rid of Dwight. Which is not true! I love Jim. Well, not love Jim, but I like Jim. He's a good friend. I told him that. I told him I would "blow my brains out" if he left, which apparently inspired the camera crew to give me the number for the suicide helpline. Especially when Michael called Jim into his office on firing day. I nearly had a heart attack. I don't know what I would do without Jim. I would not be having very much fun at work.

Since it's Thursday night, _The Apprentice_ is on, and Roy is out drinking (well, that's every night. Thursday only applies to _The Apprentice_) which means I get to watch TV in silence, eat cookie dough, and drink cherry juicy juice (I only buy it on the days Roy will be out all night, and I have to drink it all that night because otherwise Roy gets upset. He calls it a "little kids drink". Juice is not ageist! It's not!)

So, now that Devon's gone… nothing's really going to change. I'm just glad it wasn't Jim.

So, word of the day:

**Lonely **(lown-lee)**-**The feeling of missing something or someone that is a part of you. The feeling that you have nobody else around you that cares and that you're the only one who has any idea what's going on, except you don't, and you really want somebody else to tell you what is happening.

Sentence: Even when her boyfriend is around, Jackie is lonely.

some names have been changed to protect privacy.

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_REVIEW PLEASE!!!!_


	6. The Fight

_A/N: Okay, so as much as I hate this episode, I really like this chapter, and I hope you guys will too. Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter! You guys are the best!_

_I got two reviews asking me if this story will follow the show or will turn into JAM. Yes. Haha. This journal will follow each of the episodes the way they air, but you'll see some behind the scenes, inside those lovely facial expressions, deep down what Pam is thinking. And should The Office pull a Gilmore Girls and ruin the best couple they have, I won't. It's JAM. It will always be JAM. It just follows the timeline up until 403, at least._

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October 19, 2005

Today was 98 percent awesome, 2 percent not awesome. The non-awesome part was that the perfect storm occurred today, which means I was stuck in the office three hours late with Stanley, Angela, Dwight, and Toby waiting for Michael to finish fifteen minutes of work. I swear, I still have no idea how he ever became Regional Manager at Dunder-Mifflin. And corporate wonders why we're a failing paper company.

Also, Michael yelled at me today. It shouldn't have hurt my feelings, but it kind of did. I think I let him get to me too much. But I had a rough night last night with Roy, so I really wasn't in the mood for Michael's crap today. I mean, honestly, how much could someone's emergency contacts possibly change? I just don't see how it's more important than me getting home on time!

Dwight and Michael had a fight today. It was better than I ever thought it could be. Seeing them hit each other and wrestle with each other like little kids... It was great. AND Michael actually won! And we got a longer lunch, which was really nice. But the fight was fun, other than what happened before hand…

So, I'm not really sure how it happened, I just know it was awkward. Jim and I were playing… That makes us sound like dogs or toddlers, but we were playing, there's no other way to put it. And he lifted me up in the air and it just so happened that his hands rode up a bit and well, we get the picture. Well, it was really embarrassing and unprofessional and weird… Okay, well, what was weird about it was that it wasn't weird at all. It felt like his hands were supposed to… well, I don't know… I don't really want to go into it… I mean, then you have to do something. So, he touched me inappropriately… accidentally…. And I wouldn't have cared if Meredith hadn't turned around.

And the worst part of it is, Jim and I still aren't talking. We left the office on not-so-good terms. I mean, I got some French Onion Sun Chips from him (SCORE!) and he said "have a good weekend," but he didn't walk me out and we didn't really talk or laugh at all during the day after lunch… I don't know. My weekend just doesn't seem as nice now. I like it when we're friends. When things aren't weird.

I don't know. Lately my life just seems like a collection of oddities and broken hearts. Just when I think Roy actually might be ready to take the step and get married and commit, he does something else again. I don't want to go to far into what happened last night because it makes me shiver a bit. Let's just say I was perfectly content with watching some TV and going to bed, but Roy had other plans. And his other plans weren't as smooth or as fun as they could have been.

Maybe that's why I freaked when Jim picked me up today. I know he wasn't going to hurt me, or touch me, or do anything he shouldn't have. I trust Jim 100, completely. It's just that, I don't know, the memories of Roy came back and bit me. And then I felt guilty, having fun with Jim. I sometimes wonder if… well, if Jim wasn't in my life if Roy and I would be happier… Is Jim keeping me from giving my all to Roy? I don't know. But then the question is, what's keeping Roy from giving any of himself to me? I just know, when I was in Jim's arms, I fit… I felt safe. And that scares the hell out of me.

So, off that topic. Jim and I have played a lot of pranks on Dwight over the years, but I think today beat even the stapler in Jello bit. I got a text message this morning while I was up making Roy and I's breakfast (which I spent thirty minutes making, and then he informed me he just wanted cereal). It said: "Operation Bathroom. Time: 6:32. Location: DM. –Jim" Of course, I had to check this out. So I showed up early (much to Roy's dismay, he wanted round two) and Jim and I, not kidding, moved Dwight's entire office to the bathroom. It was awesome. We had to unplug all of his stuff, reset all of the times and settings, and move his desk into the bathroom. We set it up so that when you walk in, you walk in facing Dwight. Everything on his desk looked exactly the same, it's just that it's in the mens' room. And Jim was perfect playing it off. Dwight walked in, freaking out, and Jim actually had the audacity to say, "Calm down. Where was the last place you saw it?" Oh man, he is hilarious. I almost peed my pants trying to keep a straight face. I love playing pranks with him.

I'm going to head to bed. Roy is out drinking tonight (Woo hoo! Home alone!) and I want to be asleep before he comes home. He's less apt to want sex if I'm already asleep. And he's been in his "treat my fiancée like a prostitute" phase as of late.

But first, the handy dandy word of the day.

**Sense****i** (Sin-say)– A Japanese title for any sort of teacher, but most popularly, a martial-arts teacher well versed in the art of fighting.

Sentence: Dwight will never be a sensei because Michael can beat his ass.

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_A/N: Well, I hope you liked it! I feel like we're getting a little bit deeper into Pam's feelings and thoughts, while still not completely invading them. This is just how I imagine Pam would be feeling in this situation (and believe me, I would know pretty well). But, she's still trying to cover it... Yet, we get differing little parts of her adoration for Jim.. She just lets it seep out a bit. Anyway, leave me some love! or some criticism. Seriously, I love specific reviews. This is what I like... This is what I'd like to see. I can't believe you wrote that... this sucks... Whatever it is, lay it on me! Chapters for ransom, review to get them! Oh, and by the way, the next chapter is GREAT._


	7. The Client

_A/N: Okay, so I love this chapter. Thanks for the reviews on the last one, they really mean a lot :) You guys rock. I hope you enjoy the chapter! Next episode/chapter is Performance Review, which is my very favorite episode in the entirety of the Office, I think. _

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November 07, 2005

The word of the day is first this time.

**Awkward **(awk-werd)- When things aren't smooth. Often dealing with relationships, when one person misunderstands the other and tries to cover it up. When someone says something they shouldn't have. Jim and Pam.

Sentence: My life is awkward. See below.

So, the reason awkward was the word of the day today is because of many different things. You know that phrase, "it's only awkward if you make it awkward"? That's so not true. This week was awkward. Just in general, awkward. I have many exhibits for my defense in this matter.

**Exhibit A****: Jan and Michael did the "horizontal mambo". Maybe.**

As Michael's receptionist, I get the full story on a number of different events that occur in Michael's life. However, as his receptionist, I know many things about Michael. Like that he lies. Or "exaggerates the truth". The small, miniscule piece of truth lies somewhere in everything he says, but it is never simply what he says. So, here are the facts, as Michael presented to me.

Michael and Jan went to Chili's for a business meeting. This I am not surprised by, nor do I doubt for several reasons. 1) Michael goes to Chili's as often as he goes to Juan's Chinese. Every day. Actually, he rotates between that and Hooters. 2) Jan told me this information when she called and Michael was in the bathroom blowing up the capsule dinosaurs from the Dollar store. Also, Michael told jokes to Christian, the Lackawanna county spokesman. This I know to be a true statement as well because I was the one reading the jokes to Michael. (More on this later). Third, Michael somehow managed to convince Christian to give him the business (I still don't understand). Fourth, Michael and Jan "made out" outside the Chili's establishment. Fifth, They stayed up all night talking. Sixth, Michael and Jan did the naughty naughty. Seventh, Jan and Michael are now dating and will be forever and ever amen.

I'm not sure what to believe anymore. But, as a human, how do you come back from that?

Jim and I have been speculating.

Sex with Michael: AWKWARD!

**Exhibit B : ****Dwigt, the incompetent sidekick. Totally true.**

While I was snooping through Michael's office (More on this later), I came across an amazing screenplay written by THE Michael Gary Scott, about an FBI Awesome Guy (his name) named Michael Scarn. This was approximately 20 pages long, and when I showed it to Jim, I got the response of "Ooh, Pam! Good Work!" which basically means, in Jim speak, "Marry me. You're amazing." Well, we decided to call a conference after discovering there were a multitude of parts (as well as pictures! It's a picture screenplay too! In case the kids can't read!). Jim read the action parts. Dwight played Michael Scarn, and Ryan was the sidekick, who throughout the whole thing was just really bad and messed everything up. The sidekick's name was Samuel L. Chang… Until, well, it wasn't.

So Dwight was reading… Really into it, like when he was in Oklahoma! in 7th grade with a made up part. Well, he's reading and we're listening and all of a sudden he comes across the word DWIGT. And we all look at each other, wondering if Dwight will figure it out. And then he did. And here's what we thing happened.

Michael wrote the story based on Dwight. He originally named the stupid-head Dwight, but then he used search and replace to name him Samuel L. Chang. Unfortunately, (or fortunately, actually) search and replace doesn't change misspelled words, leaving behind one Dwigt.

Dwight AWKWARD!

**Exhibit C:**** Just call me Catherine. Catherine Zeta-Jones.**

So, if Samuel L. Chang is really Dwigt, and Dwigt is really Dwight, here is my other problem. Agent Michael Scarn, FBI, had a really pretty (hence the name, Catherine Zeta-Jones) receptionist. He liked to pretend she was in love with him, and throughout the play referred multiple times to how "sexy" she was and how he would "bang that." If Dwight, the incompetent sidekick, is the same as Dwigt, is the same as Samuel L. Chang, the incompetent sidekick, it is same to assume that Catherine Zeta-Jones is not really Catherine Zeta-Jones, but rather, the sexy receptionist that Agent Michael Scarn (also known as Michael Scott) would bang.

And I am Michael's receptionist. This means, Michael thinks I'm sexy and wants to bang me. I don't think my self esteem has ever been so low.

Michael's apparent lust after me: AWKWARD!

**Exhibit D: ****First dates are always more fun in the bathroom. In a hockey arena.**

I walked into the kitchen area yesterday for lunch. To my surprise, everyone was on the topic of "Worst First Date." Being the idiot that I am, I decided to share mine, which I was sure would completely put all of theirs to shame. So, I tell them about how on my first date, my date brought his brother along to a hockey game. I got up to go to the bathroom, and they left me because the game ended. They had to turn back around and get me.

Then Jim, being the lovely person he is, laughed at me and asked when this was. When I tried to be discreet with my "not too long ago," he, and Kelly (which means the REST of the world) caught on. "NOT YOUR FIANCEE!" everyone shouted. Idiots. Of course it was Roy. Who else does it sound like? And better question, who else have I dated?

Regardless, it was embarrassing for them to know it was Roy. It's embarrassing because I'm sure they all think less of me. How was there a second date? I don't know. Jim probably thinks I'm crazy and have no self-worth, which is so not true! And I would rather people believe my first date with Roy was to the lake, where we walked around hand in hand, giggling and feeding each other M&Ms. NOT at a hockey game where he spilled his hot dog on me, let me go to the bathroom to wash the ketchup off my white skirt (which he teased me about. Hey Pammy, are you getting a visit from your Aunt Flo?) and then left me there while he and his brother went to go sneak some beer. Yep. Great, romantic first date. Every one can see why I would marry THAT GUY.

First dates with Roy: AWKWARD.

**Exhibit E: ****Playing Find It! in Michael's office. Nobody wants to find THAT.**

Nobody wants to go look through Michael's office. But it's my job when he calls me to do whatever he asks. I am his bitch, as he told me on my first day at the establishment of Dunder-Mifflin. So when he wants me to find inappropriate jokes to tell at his business meeting with Jan and Christian (how ironic), I must find them. I found them, along with some other things…

A Playboy magazine with the letters P-A-M over the heads of each of the naked models.

A pack of strawberry flavored condoms. Opened. Oh, and the blown up condom that obviously came from the same pack.

A toy Barbie, with her clothes on.

Oatmeal.

A list of phrases that could be followed by "that's what she said".

This scares me. All of it does.

Michael's office: AWKWARD!

**Exhibit F:****Dreaming about naked Jim and naked Roy.**

I almost didn't write about this, just because it has the words naked, Jim and Roy all in one sentence. But nobody else reads this so I guess it's okay. And it was awkward, so I have to put it in my awkward chapter.

Well, it was Thursday night. Roy and I had grabbed a beer after work, then he had gone off to some football game with his buddy. I, of course, did not go, as I do not like sports games with Roy and would rather pee in private, thank you. So I went home, got in my pajamas, pulled out my juicy juice that I had stashed under the bed the night before, and put in a movie. Well, the movie was The Notebook, which has some pretty naked scenes in it. But honestly, what do I care? I mean, it is Ryan Gosling.

Well, I fell asleep (only after the sex scenes, those are the best part!) and I woke up around 2 AM after having a dream about Roy and I going skinny-dipping, which we had done once when I was a teenager. It was a horrible experience. My dad walked outside just after I'd jumped in and well, let's just say Roy was not his favorite person. Especially since I had barely jumped in and Roy had already started grabbing at me. I was seventeen, for gosh sakes. Anyway, I was having a dream about that. It was still unpleasant and I don't know why I even had the dream. I don't think it symbolizes anything, but I woke up in a sweat, scared of Roy. Luckily, he wasn't home, so I was able to go back to sleep.

And then came THE dream…. They say before men turn into men, they have that dream. The sex dream. The one where they're completely in the midst of it and they wake up and bodily fluids and grossness… Well, I had THE dream. And it was good… It was really good…. He was touching me in all the best places, softly, yet with a rigidity too… He was kissing me… and possessing my body with his, every inch of my body… every inch of my soul, and I didn't mind one bit…. And I woke up from my dream, and there I was, sweating and ... And it wasn't my fiancée that made me this way. It was Jim. Naked Jim, loving me like I was his and that was the only thing that mattered. And I was responding… And I know, even though I didn't truly experience it, that it was the best sex of my life. My sex dream, with Jim… And that almost makes me sad. Actually, it does make me sad… My best sex was in a dream with the man I can never have…. Oh, but sex with Jim… yummy.

Ahem, Ahem.

Roy naked in my dreams: AWKWARD!

**Exhibit G****: A date with Jim.**

Well, Jim and I apparently went on a "date" to the roof last night… Um, it was really unexpected. I kind of thought we were just having dinner… You know, as friends… Jim made me dinner (grilled cheese! YUM!), we watched a show (Threat Level Midnight), there were fireworks, a candle… And then Jim ruined it… He came in the next morning and said "Some people would say we had our first date last night."

Because it couldn't just be a secret between us. It couldn't just be fun. We had to say something. We had to talk about it. It would have been nice, just being unspoken. But when he came in, talking about it, I had to defend it. And that's when it got awkward. It went something like this:

Jim: Some would say we had our first date last night.

Me: Oh really? Why might some say that?

Jim: There was dinner, by candelight. Dinner and a show if you include Michael's movie… And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date.

Me: We didn't dance.

Jim: You're right, we didn't dance. It was more like swaying. Still, pretty romantic.

Me: Swaying isn't dancing.

Jim: At least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game.

I hate so much of what I choose to be, sometimes. Why couldn't I just agree, let it go, move on? Why did I have to hurt him like that? He was obviously kidding. And swaying can be dancing, I guess. I think I just got scared… You know, Roy and everything… And I'd had that dream the night before… It just all seemed too close, too real. And I can't do this now. Not when I'm engaged. Not when I'm going to be married. I'm not going to blow it. Not when I have a man. I'll never get this chance again. But Jim should know. I'm engaged. I can't have romantic candlelit dinners on the roof anymore. It's not the style of the engaged. And certainly not with him. Stanley, maybe, but not him. Just kidding, not Stanley.

Conversation after date with Jim: AWKWARD!

**Exhibit H: Michael's ****Jean****s**

Enough said.

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_REVIEW!_


	8. Performance Review

_A/N: Enjoy! Review please! Thanks to those of you who reviewed on my last one. And I can't remember who it was that told me about MTT, but thanks! This story's posted there, too :)_

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November 15, 2005

Sometimes, I just don't know where to start. I don't know if I should start with the personal stuff, work stuff, Jim stuff, or just other random oddities. I think I'm all over the place, all the time… But that's okay, right?

Well, everything is all about new relationships and broken relationships here in Scranton. Mine is the broken one, everybody cry for poor old Pammy. No, I'm used to it by now. Late nights when I stay up worried about him. Early mornings when he wants sex. Him talking about our sex life with the guys in the warehouse. Him complaining that we don't have enough money. Him telling me the reason we're not married yet is because I don't make enough money. Less cuddling as time goes on. Less making love. Less warm and fuzzy… but I know that love is not about warm and fuzzies and cuddling. It's more than that. And I know I love Roy. I just know I do. You can't be with someone for nine years and not love him. I love the person he was, and I love the person he is, even if I don't love some of the things he does and says. Nothing's going to change that… I just wish he'd get his act together, sometimes.

Michael and Jan broke up… I'm not sure if they were ever really "together," but Michael seems to believe so. It all started yesterday with the performance reviews (another story…) Jan came in to do the performance reviews, which, of course, Michael had already finished by about 9 AM. Well, Jan came in and Michael had the brilliant idea of going through the suggestion box. The one we started four years ago that he hasn't looked at since. Well, we all had to put suggestions in the box (I feel like I'm getting off topic, here), and let's just say, while we were in our meeting with Jan and everybody, Michael pulled one out that said, "Don't have sex with your boss." Dwight said something about boning, which was funny…. But anyway, you could hear Jan and Michael fighting even with the doors closed out by the elevators. It was pretty feisty. Michael, of course, didn't know what the problem was with the office knowing. Jan, of course, was being practical and reasonable… And then Michael thought it was about his looks. Which, it probably was somewhat. But really, it's his personality. Yep. I concur, Jan.

Oh, and apparently Dwight is having sex. His fitness orb (which Jim popped… pretty damn funny) apparently prepares him. Jim and I have hypothesized that Dwight doesn't know what sex is. I mean, who's going to tell him? Grandpa Beets?

Speaking of Dwight, we had fun with him this week. That's what she said. Damn, I really need to get away from Michael. First, Jim popped his fitness orb. Then, Jim tried to convince Dwight he wanted a pay decrease. Which was, eh, not the best, but yeah. It got Dwight to set up our perfect prank. The Thursday prank… Dwight came in yesterday (Thursday), convinced it was Friday. Fortunately, Jim caught on that's what he thought, and we put our plan into action. Phone calls about doing lunch tomorrow (Saturday, wink wink), discussions of The Apprentice (with which we found out that Dwight gets drunk with his laser tag team), discussions of our favorite tomorrow-morning cartoons (Road Runner! Represent!). And it's 12:03, and lucky us, Dwight still is not here.

I forgot to shave last night, and then I wore a skirt. Now I'm really self-conscious. I am seriously debating going back to my apartment to shave…. But then I have to paint my toenails, too. I just figured, I'll do it this weekend. I didn't really think about the skirt thing. (And here's the thing: I'm more nervous about Jim noticing than Roy).

So, the suggestion box. Wow. I am so thrilled with myself. Not only did Michael bring it up out of nowhere, but this was kind of my first prank on Michael. And I did it by myself!!!! Nobody knows it was me. It was mean, but okay, honestly. I put a few of the random ones in there… I put the "don't sleep with your boss" one, which really, I knew would be a problem. I guess I'm just cruel. My favorite one was "What are we going to do about Y2K?" Not only would it have been ridiculous back in 1999, but it made Jan think he never checks the box! Which is true, but other than Tom's suggestion (poor guy), the box had been completely empty before 10 AM yesterday morning.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Dwight just burst through the doors, still dressing. I looked over at Jim and his face was priceless. PRICELESS.

Sometimes, I really love my life. Like on performance review day. And the day after, when Dwight doesn't show up.

It's chilly outside! And Thanksgiving is coming up! YAY!

Word of the Day:

Umm….

**Ab**** Workouts **(ab werk-owts)-Exercise that works out the area between your chest and your… well, yeah. Usually can be achieved with a fitness orb, leading to more enjoyable sex.

Sentence: Dwight engages in ab workouts because he wants to have more enjoyable sex… Pam thinks he doesn't realize you have to have a woman to have sex.

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_Review! Thanks! I'll get the next few chapters written tomorrow. Life's been so busy!_


	9. Email Surveillance

_A/N: I still have more chapters written. I'll post them for reviews... For those of you who check MTT more often than this, I've uploaded this story there. I'll probably start updating that one faster. Anyway, enjoy, let me know what you think._

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November 30, 2005

Wow, it's been a while since I've sat down to write about my life, but here I am. I'm still the same old Pam… Sort of. I mean, it's been about a pay period since I last caught you up, old diary, so obviously some things have changed… Okay, a lot of things have changed. And most of it's really personal… Some of it's heartbreaking… And that's why I haven't been writing. I've been meaning to, but for some reason, to put it down in words is almost like… I don't know, admitting it actually happened. It holds you accountable to changing things, doesn't it. It's just, I don't know. I guess I should start at the beginning.

Last time I wrote, I found myself eyeing my best friend… A lot. It's no secret that we have a special bond… A special chemistry, even. It's extremely obvious, even to the thick-headed. And I know that he has a good chunk of my heart. I will always trust him. No matter what he does, he's earned my trust, and I can't give it back. And I love Jim. I do. And I strongly believe you can love someone in a platonic way, even your best friend. Even a guy friend. Even your best guy friend. Life is not _When Harry Met Sally_. There's nothing that says that a man and a woman can't be best friends without being romantically involved. They can. They so can.

But, there's nothing that says that the best friend with the inverted penis can't think the best friend with the real penis is smashingly handsome, is there? Is there anything in the Cheaters Handbook that says a look or two is wrong? I'm convinced there isn't. And if there is, please don't show me that page.

All that to say, I've come to realize in these past few weeks just how much I am fed up with Roy. I look at Jim sometimes…. And I just know there's better out there. There's someone better for me… But the sad thing is, I know there isn't. There are probably plenty of men who can make me go weak at the knees… who will put up with me… who will smile and make the world go away… But are there any of those men who can do all of that and will fall in love with me? No… There's Roy though… And he's already fallen in love with me. And even though he hardly makes me weak in the knees. Even though he can barely put up with me… Even though it's not his smile that makes the world go away, I'm with him. I can stand him. I really can.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me back up. The weekend after my last entry, Roy came home one night pretty out of it drunk. I know when he drinks he loses his inhibitions and likes to, well, be a little naughty… He knows I'm not a fan of the fast, rough sex, but he loves it. Especially when he's drunk… And when he's drunk, he's bigger than me, and he can't control himself. He's not the sweet man that I'm engaged to, it's almost like he's a monster coming out of his cage. And normally, I can deal with it once every now and then… But last weekend, wow… He was more drunk than I've ever seen him… And he hurt more than I ever thought he could… I woke up the next morning with a burning in between my legs, and not the good kind.

Aside from taking it a little too far too fast, Roy's been kind of on-edge lately. Whenever I go to ask him about the wedding, he always waves me off… It's not important, he says to me. It's not important. Our wedding is not important to him. That's what he says. I don't think it's what he means, but it's still what he says… He just doesn't see why we should set a date when everything is fine right now. I think Roy is the type that thinks we should only get married if I get knocked up… Which, after the other night, I would say is a possibility. He's also really bad about putting on condoms when he's drunk… And apparently these things take at least 10 days, which means… Well, tomorrow I'm heading to the drugstore. God, please don't let me be pregnant… Not with Roy's baby.

I can't believe I just wrote that. These things come out of my mouth, and sometimes, they scare me. I'm marrying Roy. He may drive me nuts, but he wants me.

Well, anyway, after the Saturday night fiasco, we had Thanksgiving (I'll update you on the happenings of the office when I'm done with Roy). In my family, the thanksgiving tradition is going around the table and saying what we're thankful for. I think most families do that. Well, this time, I had the privilege of sitting next to Roy as he checked out my kid sister, Katie. Anyway, it was my turn first, so I say I'm thankful for Roy. It could have been a cute moment, until Roy, in front of my entire family, while staring at Katie says, "I'm thankful for sex." He then looked at me and grinned, like I would be ecstatic he said that in front of all my grandparents and aunts and uncles. What an ass.

So, I come back from the awful Thanksgiving, completely excited to see my best friend. It's amazing what five days without seeing Jim does to me. I don't know what I would do if I had to live through longer than that. Anyway, right as I arrive at the office, I notice something.

I'm calling them Angelight. Or Dwangela. I'm not sure yet. Either way, they are totally, grossly together. Let me back up. We all found out that Michael was doing email surveillance on us, so of course, everyone was deleting their inbox and outboxes (boy did Jim and I have a lot to delete!) Well, I heard Dwight go up to Angela and say, "make sure you delete any sensitive emails." Then, I saw Angela buying two Baby Ruth bars… A few minutes later, Dwight was eating one… Then they were talking at Jim's party… And now I'm positive. Angela gave me a funny look this morning that seemed to plead not to tell… And so I won't. Not even Jim. He would ruin them.

I mentioned Jim's party… It was really fun. Before Michael got there, of course. I got to see Jim's yearbook picture!!! He was so dorky! It made me so happy to see it, though. I love looking at old pictures of people… Especially good looking people.

So, funniest moment of my entire week. Michael is up singing some duet in karaoke, trying to get all the women to sing with him. He gets far enough into the song that no woman has volunteered, but the woman's part is coming up. So Michael puts on his high falsetto voice… Jim gets up and goes next to him and begins singing the male part, causing Michael to fall into the female roll without thinking. And the song was about making love… And Jim winked at me, and I nearly lost it right there…

Word of the Day:

**Dwangela / ****Angelight **(dwan-juh-luh/ang-ill-ite)**-**When a short, blonde, perky, judgmental blonde accountant pairs with a beet-farming Dwight.

Sentence: Dwangela and/or Angelight have more enjoyable sex due to Dwight's fitness orb and Angela's knowledge of the human anatomy (and how it works)!

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_Review!_


	10. Christmas Party

_A/N: Okay, so this entry is pretty darn Jim heavy. Reasoning? When watching the episode, it seems to me that Pam is all about Jim and completely over Roy... I kind of picture her as the flip-flopper type of girl. So, this is Jim. I hope you like it, please review and let me know! Sorry its so short!_

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December 17, 2005 

I love him. I do, it's obvious. And if he was trying to hide that he loves me, he blew it with the teapot gesture. I have wanted one of those for so long so I could make tea for my desk… I've never really said "Hey, Jim, I really want a teapot." I've hinted at it once or twice though… Anyway, not only did Jim draw my name for Secret Santa and get me the amazing teapot, but the gifts inside… Oh my gosh… Filled to the rim with inside jokes. Like the yearbook picture… And hot sauce packets… And wow, if I could only describe how much those meant to me…

I was an idiot at first. Why would I ever want an iPod when I could have anything from Jim… I think I'd rather have hot sauce, by itself, than an iPod if it came from Jim. He's just so thoughtful… I could see the panic in his face when the gift passed, and the sadness seemed to overwhelm him when I picked the iPod… Right as I did, I knew I'd made the wrong decision… Jim over an iPod… Duh, Pam.

And here's the ridiculous part. I was going to pick the iPod over a man that probably spent hours on my present. Plus, Roy was going to get me an iPod for Christmas anyway. Now he's just getting me a sweater. He's very thoughtful too.

The more I think of Jim, the more I wonder about this wedding… But I won't let myself wonder about it. This is my life. Jim is just my best friend. He's all I ever wanted in a best friend. I'm sticking with that. Roy is my fiancé.

Yankee Swap sucks.

Oh, but Dwight and I are developing a bit of a friendship… He traded the teapot for my iPod… At first he wasn't going to, but then he looked at me and I guess he could tell the whole thing about Jim… So he did. He's not as bad as he used to be… He's growing on me… but not like Jim is.

Um, I'm excited about Christmas. I got Roy some sports jacket he really wanted and a few other things… I didn't get Jim anything. I want to. Desperately… I just don't know what to get him. It needs to be special, and perfect… And I don't know what that could be. Maybe I'll make him a mixed CD.

Ooh, yeah, that's what I'm going to do… I'll try and remember to write the playlist in here during my next entry…

Word of the Day

**adoration**(ad-door-ay-shun)-A feeling of immense love for someone, or something they do. The idea that one is so high on your list of amazing that they'll never come back down.

Sentence: Jim commands all my adoration.

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_REVIEW!_


	11. Booze Cruise

_A/N: Sorry it took so long for such a short chapter! I've just been really into writing my other story (Shattered Everythings--read it!) that I've forgotten about this one... Plus, I'm not a big booze cruise fan and its a hard one to write from Pam's perspective because there are things that majorly develop the Pam/Roy storyline and the Pam/Jim one. Hope you enjoy. The Secret and The Carpet this weekend, hopefully! READ AND REVIEW!_

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January 19, 2006

Sorry, diary. It's been a while, I know. Last time I "talked" to you it was Christmas. So, then I have to ask myself, what's happened since Christmas? And then, after I've asked that, I have to answer it. Wow. Okay, so here goes.

We went to Roy's family's house for Christmas this year. We have a rule. Odd years we go to mine for thanksgiving and his for Christmas, even years is the other way around. So, this year was the Roy Christmas. Honestly, I'd rather have it the other way around. Any family can do thanksgiving, but only my family can really do Christmas. Roy's family doesn't even have stockings! Stockings!! Where does Santa put all of the candy and little presents? AND, they open presents on the 24th. Christmas Eve. Honestly, that's just ridiculous! But, I guess its good for us to explore our families traditions since we'll be starting our own… Blending them. Which is kind of okay, but scary… I mean, what if my kids don't get stockings? Man, that would suck for them. Grr… I just really like my Christmas the way it is.

I guess the big news is that Roy and I set a wedding date. I was really quite impressed with him. After Christmas he was really supportive. He even bought me art supplies for Christmas, which was nice. He got me an mp3 player too. Not an iPod, but still, close. He's just been good lately, I guess. Although my vision is a little clouded. I remember being upset with him a lot up until the booze cruise. I even remember telling Jim that I didn't understand Roy.. but I guess that went away because we set a date and now IM GETTING MARRIED! June 10th. Roy actually set it, too, which makes me just thrilled… I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere… Somewhere good.

Anyway, I mentioned the booze cruise. Michael, in his infinite wisdom, decided to take us all on a cruise in January. And we had to bring a bathing suit. Kelly went out and bought one. Well, if you can call it a bathing suit. It's more like patches of material placed strategically across her body. Me, I like my one pieces. Nice and modest. Anyway, we're all about this cruise and Michael, once again in infinite wisdom, tells everyone the ship is sinking and they should save themselves. What an idiot…. But what a joy to work for. (some guy actually jumped over board!)

I guess now is the Jim thing.. Which is kind of weird. He broke up with Katy—Yay! I hate cheerleaders… and she just wasn't good for him. I mean, she wanted to take Legally Blonde as her desert island movie. Seriously. Seriously! Apart from that, Jim and I had a moment outside… We talked a lot outside… about Roy and I and how frustrated I was. We locked eyes for a minute, but I broke it off. It was just me being lonely and desperate and wanting to find something in his eyes that wasn't there.. Just in Roy's. And that's okay, I've always been the girl that wants to marry once and marry for good to a great guy who loves me and cares for me. And I'm gonna keep being that girl. Always and forever.

I couldn't be happier about marrying Roy. I feel like my world is finally spinning again!

Word of the Day:

**Future **(few-cher)- The prospect of looking ahead, past the present. This may be a verb or a noun, but mostly it refers to the collection of things one looks forward to in his/her life.

Definition: I feel like my future with Roy is finally beginning… I just want to soak up this moment and these feelings forever.

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_A/N: REVIEW please! thanks! and read Shattered Everythings!_


	12. The Injury

_A/N: Okay, so I'm an idiot and FORGOT about this episode. And I love this episode, so there. Here it is. I'll do the next chapter tonight and get it up as well, as a penance for my stupidity. ;)_

_Also, as a fan of The Office I feel the need to put out my thoughts on the writers strike. For those of you who don't understand what's going on, there is a great video on youtube by the WGA explaining it (Why We Fight). There's also an online petition that you can find at So, I have to say I support the writers (as do the majority of the actors and producers, I haven't heard of one that doesn't, yet) and I will NOT be watching online episodes or downloading episodes off iTunes until they get paid for them. I'm also not buying from the online advertisers. Do what you want, but I believe that the writers are not getting paid what they deserve, and I will stand up as much as I can with them throughout this strike. I plead you all to do the same. And that's all I have._

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January 28, 2005

So, today has been sufficiently Michael Scott. And by Michael Scott, I mean awkward. Synonyms include: uncomfortable, discontented, weird, scary, uhhhh. So, that was my day. First, we got a little Dwangela action (my term, don't you just LOVE it?!?), Michael cooked his foot (he says he "burned" it, but he clamped it inside his foreman grill, that's cooking, friends), Dwight and I are friends, apparently. And there we go.

Apparently, Michael wanted to eat his foot for breakfast… Wow, that could be taken so many ways, and all of them would be okay…. I mean, first of all, he thinks he's injured because he cooked his foot. I'm not sure how it happens, but apparently, he stepped on his foreman grill and then he clamped his foot inside of it. Then, he was so sufficiently weird that he put his cooked foot in his mouth multiple times. He brought in this wheelchair guy today… And it was really awkward because he kept asking the wheelchair guy all of these questions about how hard it is to be in a wheelchair and blaming us for being all stereotypical and I don't know, prejudiced? He had pictures of Tom Hanks on the wall because apparently, Tom Hanks is the face of "the crippled". I mean, duh, guys, he's mentally challenged in Forrest Gump, and apparently he brought a lot more to "Philadelphia" than I saw because he brought AIDS to it as well. Which makes me sad that I missed so much of that movie…. Not. Well, and then we had this whole deal where Michael, in his brilliance, thought it would be completely okay for him to say to us, "that was the first thing you saw when he _rolled _in here." Yes, it was horrible to say. Absolutely horrible. Although, I think it was hilarious… HILLARIOUS! I could hardly laugh it was so funny.

So, wheelchair guy. And concussion man… Well, not really man… You can't fairly call Dwight a man… Concussion goat. We'll call him a goat. He ran into a pole trying to rescue Mr. Foot McMuffin. Okay, that was lame. But seriously. Why would you get a concussion trying to rescue MICHAEL?

Everything awkward revolves around Dwight… I mean, have you ever seen a beet? Please, show me a more awkward vegetable.

Dwight and Angela. Please, show me a more awkward couple… I mean, Angela and I are friends. Kind of. As friends as you can be with Angela, you know? I mean, I want to be friends with her, I guess. Part of me does just so I can make fun of her? Okay, maybe not. She's not THAT bad. And she's pretty smitten with Dwight, so she has a case for her insanity plea… But I guess I can understand why she'd be so upset Dwight had a concussion and was at the hospital. I mean, if Jim got a concussion, I'd be freaking out.

Oh! Jim told me that Michael put "bringing a friend to the hospital" as reason for stay on the little sign in sheet. What an idiot.

Oh, and Dwight and I are friends. He gave me an cover for my "mp3 device". I don't know, does that count as being friends? He didn't give me pudding. Or jello.

And, the word of the day:

**Breakfast (****brek****-fist): **The meal that brings in the day. Usually consists of bacon, eggs, toast, cereal, orange juice, oatmeal, muffins, pancakes, French toast, waffles, or other sorts of breakfast food. Hardly ever consists of feet.

Sentence: Michael thinks foot fungus and toenails are key ingredients to a heart breakfast. But, do they lower cholesterol?

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_Okay, review review! and strike, strike, strike!_


	13. The Secret

_A/N: Sorry its taken me so long to get this chapter up! I stink, but I haven't forgotten about this story, I've just been busy! 4 papers and 2 tests today! Gah. This is my study break. :) Also, I've been starting/writing a lot of other stories. If you're interested in reading them, head to my author's page... I think they're not too shabby :)_

_I forgot The Injury. Go back a chapter--that's the new update. Also, read my thoughts on The Strike._

_Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter! Keep it up. And here, without further adieu, is The Secret._

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February 5, 2006 

Well, let's see. Where to start with the hell that has been this week? I'm not quite sure, to be honest. A lot of Jim drama, no Roy drama. A lot of work drama… And a lot of sister drama. Why don't we start with the most painful, and work our way down? Uhh, okay.

My sister and I had a huge fight last week. Over nothing. Okay, really, it was over something. So, my Dad's been really weird about the wedding lately. He and my mom split up and for some reason he thinks she should pay for it, and I keep telling him that Roy and I can pay for it because you know, we're working, and we're responsible and everything. But yet, he still has to call my mother and harass her about these sorts of things… And it's not that my Dad is a jerk. I love my Dad. I love my Mom too. I'm just so sick of their bullshit about this because it's not about getting each other back. It's not about getting back at each other for the divorce. It's about me. I don't understand why they can't just get over it. Jesus.

Well, not why I had a fight with my sister. My sister is still living with my dad, but she talks to my mom pretty regularly. Anyway, last week when I called my dad to talk to him about the wedding date we'd picked, he got really defensive about it and started talking about how mom refused to pay for it (not true) and all of this other shit. Well, I guess I "took Mom's side" because I said she didn't have to pay for it and neither did he, and he got even more defensive and hung up on me.

Well, Katie calls this morning and is asking me all of these questions about the wedding and what dad needs to do and what mom needs to do, and I guess it just pissed me off. I mean, honestly, can my father not pick up the phone and dial my number? Why does he have to get my little sister to do all of his dirty work for him? And I told her that and I told her to tell Dad that he should just call me himself, and she got all upset about how I didn't want to talk to her and Dad was so upset about our relationship and how I never call him. And yeah, I don't call Dad every night, but I do call him. We have lengthy chats once a week, which oftentimes end in him being pissed off at me because of the wedding or the decisions I make that don't match up with his values and morals. Katie called me selfish, and I told her that she needs to get out of the middle of them. They're both just totally manipulating her…

Apparently, people don't like to be told they're being manipulated. And they especially don't like to be told they're manipulating… So, pretty much, I'm having a fight with my entire family, other than my mother, who I'm sure will call soon and fight with me. Guh. I just miss them. I miss the days when my family was normal…

Sometimes, I wonder/worry if Roy and I will end up like my parents… I told myself from the day they got divorced I would NEVER get divorced. And I stand by that. I will never get divorced; it just ruins too many lives. I think it's selfish. I don't ever want to be there… Roy doesn't agree with me, and it really does scare me a little bit… But that's between you and I.

Oh, I'm taking applications for my maid of honor now that Katie dropped out. Please, somebody besides Kelly apply. If only my best friend was a girl.

But he's not. How many girls can say their best friends have crushes on them? I can. Well, I think I can… It's a really strange scenario. Jim and Michael are saying two different things. Now, I will always choose to believe Jim over Michael, yet I can't help but wonder with this scenario who to believe… Let me back up. Apparently, Jim told Michael on the Booze Cruise that he, at one point or another, had a crush on me. So Michael knew his little secret and apparently he accidentally let it slip (they went to Hooters for "Jim's birthday" and I wonder if it was more to talk about me? Why can't he just talk to ME about ME?). So, anyway, Jim found out the entire office knew he at one point had liked me, and decided to come clean in the break room. He told me it was stupid, it was a few years ago, and he was over it now. Which, let's be honest, really did hurt my feelings.

It's not that I want Jim to be miserable… I can understand how it would hurt to watch someone you like with someone else… Especially someone like Jim who cares about people so much… But it did hurt when he said it wasn't anymore. I mean, what made it stop? Why doesn't he like me anymore? Although, honestly, I'm not sure why he liked me in the first place… Anyway, I don't want him to be miserable, but I do like feeling desired… And sometimes, I felt that way with Jim… And I lied to him when we were in the break room. I had no idea he used to like me. Maybe if he'd actually said something instead of being the moral coward he is, we would have gotten together… Now, I just don't know. Part of me wishes he had…

But, Michael seems to think Jim had a crush on me on the cruise, which brings a whole different spin to everything… I mean, we had that awkward moment outside where I saw something in his eyes, like he wanted to tell me something or hold me or I don't know what… I thought maybe it was just wishful thinking, but then hearing about what he'd told Michael, I just wonder… I wonder what it would have been like had he said something… And I don't know. I don't know how I would react.

We are just friends, aren't we? We have to be. I'm with Roy. And that's all there is to that. Nothing more.

Roy hasn't been around much lately, which hasn't been too bad. I've been able to plan the wedding a bit in peace, which is nice. I've got my dress picked out. And the flower arrangement, and a lot of other things. If only I had bridesmaids. Maybe I can just dress Jim up in a dress. I'm sure he'd like that. giggle.

Work drama. Spring cleaning. Oscar missed it and Michael launched this whole investigation with Dwight as the leader. He was in charge of an investigation. Because that's not scary AT ALL. And apparently there are three kinds of sniffling. Go figure.

And now I'm sitting here, and I could quite possibly be losing at Solitaire, which is ridiculous because you play against yourself so at some point, yourself or you has to win. But I tend to lose. And my jelly bean jar is infested with bacteria… Dwight's bacteria, which is extremely deadly and fatal. So Jim hasn't come and talked to me for a while. I can't figure out if it's because we're awkward or if it's because of the jelly beans… Either way, it's sad… he doesn't need the jelly beans to come talk to me.

And there we are.

Word of the Day:

**Bamboozled (bam boo ****zuhld**- To cheat somebody out of logic or to confuse somebody so much they feel like they've lost their mind and they don't know which way is up and which way is down and I don't know. GAH!

Jim has completely bamboozled me. So has my sister, and my father. And my coworkers. And Roy. And my entire life. Completely bamboozled. Damn.

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_Wow. I wrote this chapter having no recollection of the previous one, then I went back and read the last one, and I reiterated it. Haha. I guess I really know Pam if she says the same things twice! Review, please! And check out my other stories :)_


	14. The Carpet

_And here it is. The next installment. Some language. Some sexual references. Some references to the actual Jenna Fischer. Which is fun :) Enjoy, review. And check back, if you missed it, I added in The Injury--it wasn't there before._

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February 8, 2005 

There is absolutely nothing like vacation!! Granted, camping's not my favorite, but it makes Roy happy, and when Roy is happy, I am happy. Catch my drift? No, but Roy has been really sweet these past few days. Very attentive and loving. He even bought me bottled water, and he brought food other than meat for me to eat… Not that I don't like meat. I do, and I eat it all the time, but there's something about sitting outside eating meat while animals are roaming around that gives me a bit of the willies… That, and I **really** don't like fish, and him cooking fish he caught in a lake infested with fish poop over a fire made from sticks he found in the ground where other animals poop just makes me want to not eat. So, Roy bought me my own food so I could feel at rest. We camped outside for a few days, but he knows I'm not a big fan of that, so he surprised me and actually got us a room in one of the cabins around the mountains. We got to sleep in and be pampered. I'm telling you what, guys. If you buy me a cabin in the woods instead of pitching a tent, you will get laid.

Nothing like the stink of the office to bring you back to reality. Literally. I HATE TODD PACKER!!!!! The ass put some smelly rodent stink bomb thing in Michael's office. Oh my god, I thought I was going to die from the stench. Then, poor Roy had to come and rip up Michael's carpet, and Michael yelled at him for not moving fast enough. Although, I must say, Roy has smelled worse smells. Mostly emanating from himself. Anyway, it was a "package" from Todd Packer (FUCK HIM!). Packer has Michael wrapped around his finger. Geez. He was all "culprit" before he found out it was Packer, thought it was a terrorist or hate crime. Then after he found out it was "out of love". Nothing that smells that bad is done out of love. I've told that to Roy before after he let one loose.

My dad called me yesterday and we talked a bit. Finally. He admitted he's been a jerk, and being the lovely daughter I am, I agreed with him. Whoops. He then sent me a check for a lot more than he ever should have. Oh well. So, I've been planning my wedding a bit, but I really don't get much done at home. I might start bringing some of it to work when we get closer to the wedding. I dunno. Katie's back in my wedding, which is good, but kind of sucks because I already asked Angela and Kelly to be in it (I know, I'm stupid). So now I have two extras that I don't need, and Roy doesn't really have a lot of friends, so I'm not sure who he'll get. I would recommend Jim, but that might get me in trouble.

I finished Sudoku in 18 minutes today. Please, somebody tell me I'm not awesome.

By the way. Um, I love the song Through Any Window. It's so cryptic and so amazing. It reminds me of Simon & Garfunkel. I'm only writing about it because when Willie Wisely becomes famous, I want EVERYONE to know that I knew about them beforehand. Writing it in here is the only way to make that happen.

My life is really lame. I feel like I should give a complete rundown of my vacation, but I am exhausted, and I need to make Roy and I dinner. Oh well.

Word of the Day:

**Repulsive (re-pull-****siv****)-**To be disgusted. The act of wanting to throw up when looking at something, such as Roy naked (just kidding) or Todd Packer's face.

Sentence: The stench coming from Michael's office was almost as repulsive as Todd Packer's existence. Okay, maybe not even almost.

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Review. 


	15. Boys and Girls

Wow! First of all, so sorry for neglecting this story. I promise I'll try to start updating this faster! Next is Valentines Day, and if I remember, I'll tell you a cute story I heard from Jenna Fischer about that episode.

As for this episode, I just love it. And I chose to really focus on one aspect of it, rather than the whole of it, so I hope you all don't mind... I think I delved into what was going on in Pam's head well, but if you disagree, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

I've been busy writing my other new story, 20 Questions Plus One, and so I've not gotten around to this one. I started a method of replying to reviews over there, and I'm going to do it here too. So, here are replies to all of my reviews on the last chapter.

Doggy- Thanks thanks thanks! I feel like we're talking all the time between my three stories, LOL.  
FakeID- Oh, wow. Good point, I never even realized that. Not even sure how to correct it, but thanks for the observant eye.  
Glenda- Yeah, Todd Packer. Whatever. Haha. U cant stand him.  
Vicki- Thanks! I love that definition too! Haha.  
BigTuna- Thanks for reminding me about this story! I'm kind of stuck on 21Q right now, so it was good you reminded me about this one. Helped get my creative juices flowing. I hope you enjoy this chapter, and I hope you feel like I explained Pam well enough. Let me know what you think--I'm really interested in your thoughts!

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February 12, 2005

Is it irrational to think that dreams will come true? You grow up hearing you can be anything you want to be and do anything you want to do, but that's not really true, is it? You can't be anything you want to be. Sometimes, life just gets in the way. Sometimes, it's just not possible. Sometimes, you have to give up your dreams, step away from what your childish ideas, and embrace the real world. Sometimes, your dreams are just that, dreams. You can't make everything happen that you want to happen. Sometimes, things just have to be.

When I was 12, I read a book about a little girl who has a terrace outside her bedroom window and plants flowers around it. I realize that this little girl probably didn't exist, but I still wanted a house with a terrace outside my window that I could plant flowers in. I've started to give up on that a bit… You know? You can't always have the house and the terrace that you want… And Jan brought up this whole graphic internship thing that I really want to do because I've always dreamed of doing art. You can't always have that either. I have a life here in Scranton, with a fiancé who loves me and good friends and a job, and I don't want to be out of town every weekend for a graphic design thing… And Roy doesn't want me gone then either, he says it's foolish because it might not even lead to anything. And that's true. Roy's right. I should just give up on that dream because it might never lead to anything…

And I guess I was okay with that, until Jim yelled at me today in the break room. Told me that I was being foolish and that I had to take a risk on something at some point. And I yelled back at him because I was being defensive and it wasn't his place to tell me that… And then all of a sudden it hit me.

I have bigger dreams than a house with a terrace and graphic design. I have dreams that, if they came true, the rest of it wouldn't even matter… And those dreams are the most important dreams… The ones of having a husband who loves me and cares for me and comes home at night. A husband that cooks for me when I'm sick and gives me beautiful children. I want to raise my children with someone I'm in love with, not just a random person that lives with me. I want to grow old with my husband, have one of those marriages that lasts a lifetime.. And I do want to live in a house with a terrace...

I've always played the safe route. Always. I'm engaged to Roy because he's what's easy. I've known him since high school and anything other than being engaged after six years of dating would just be wrong and impossible. And for ten years, he's been the love of my life. And I'm going to marry him… But what Jim said, and the way I reacted… It makes me wonder if maybe I'm doubting more than just the terrace and the design internship… It makes me wonder if I'm going to get any of those bigger dreams… The husband I love… The beautiful children… The marriage that lasts…

The truth is, I haven't really, honestly felt that love for Roy in a long time. I've gotten excited about some things sometimes… I've said I love you millions of times, but that warm, fuzzy feeling that is supposed to be love. I haven't felt that. And I know love is an action and a choice. I know it's not just a feeling, but it is a feeling, too. And that desire to make that choice is dwindling down with every time he tells me to be quiet, every time he doesn't listen to me… And I'm really, honestly sick of feeling this way. Feeling like he doesn't accept me or my dreams. He thinks they're foolish; I know that…

Damn Jim for making me realize what I'm missing. And maybe he's just removed out of my life so much (at least the more intimate parts of it) that he doesn't see both sides of it… He can't really give me practical advice, can he? And Roy is a part of my life, which means whatever I do affects him. And he doesn't want me to do it, so I'm not going to… But I still really want the house with the terrace…

Sometimes, I just don't know where I fit in this world. I don't know where my niche is. I know that I am loved by some people, liked by a few more. I know some people think I'm funny and some people think I'm a whore, but I'm just me. I'm like that song "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. But even still, I don't know where I fit. At Dunder Mifflin, with Kelly the Barbie, Phyllis, Alcoholic Meredith or Nun Mary Angela… Or just plain out anywhere… I'm not edgy like my artist friends, and I'm not weird like the Dunder Mifflins… Sometimes, I don't even know how I fit in with Roy. He looks at me sometimes, and I just feel so out of place. The only person that really makes me feel like I fit is Jim, and well, that almost ended today. I wanted to slap him when he yelled at me. He knows nothing about my situation or my feelings… Nothing. And that's ironic that I say that because really, he knows more about them than I do.

I'm exhausted. Realizing that you're giving up on your dreams takes a lot out of you. But I'm sure it will pass with a good night's rest.

_So don't let your dreams be dreams… __You know this living's not as hard as it seems_

**Broken (bro kin****)-**Not being complete. To be in two or more parts, unable to be put back together. Not working as intended or desired.

Sentence: Sometimes, you have to sweep up the pain that comes from broken dreams and broken hearts.

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Review Review! Valentines Day is next! 


	16. Valentines Day

Okay, so this one is not my favorite chapter, but hey, what can you do? I didn't want to focus too much on Valentines Day and the lack of amazingness that our Pamela got because then it would be obvious what should happen, so I added in some random other stuff. I plan on writing Dwight's Speech tonight. :) Can't wait to get to season three with this!!

Oh! And the interesting tidbit I found out from Jenna Fischer! This is the episode where Pam is feeling down because she didn't get anything for Valentines Day, and Roy comes in and tells her she's going to have the best sex of her life, then they pan over to Pam to get her reaction, then back up at Roy. Jenna said that they had to shoot that scene in two parts because EVERY TIME Roy said that line to Pam, Jenna couldn't keep a straight face. They actually had to take him out of her reaction scene because she was laughing too hard! Just an interesting tidbit that I LOVE.

And your reviews:

Vicki- Me too! I feel bad for Pam a lot in Season 2.  
Literati- I really feel like Pam/Jim Season 2 is right back at Luke/Lorelai pre season 5... Let's hope we don't find out Jim has a random kid anywhere! Grr. I just feel bad for her too. How hard is it t find a damn terrace?  
Deleon- Yep this is one of mine too! Thanks for reading!  
Glinda- I hate it too. And so does Jim.  
Dancer- Here it is. Like I said, not my favorite, but you gotta keep trucking.  
BigTuna- Yeah, I love Boys and Girls too. It's just amazing. And I love that we finally get to see the internal struggle of Pam and I think it sets up the next few episodes--and this one, nicely.  
Kylie- Oh thanks! I really appreciate your review!!!!

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February 16, 2005

Why must he toy with my heart like this? Honestly. How does "Fat Phyllis" get fifteen thousand bears and ninety two bouquet's of roses and daisies and whatever delivered to her, and all I get is "You're gonna get the best sex of your life." Whatever, Roy. You're not that good anyway. Sex with myself is better half the time.

I shouldn't have expected anything. That's what Dream Fiancee would do. I don't have Dream Finacee. I learned my lesson last week with graphic design. Dreams are just Dreams.

I just hate Valentines Day. The only person who wished me a Happy Valentines day today was the cashier at the grocery store and Jim.

So, my sister loves Sex and the City. She's been basically begging me to watch it for the past 28 years. Well, not that long, but still. So, this week Roy has been out a lot at night doing whatever it is Roy does, and I've been getting Season 1 of Sex and the City from my Netflix… It's so good! Toby's daughter was doing some fundraising for her school and I ordered one of those huge one pound tubs of chocolate chip cookie dough, and I've been eating the dough and watching Sex and the City every night. I don't even eat dinner anymore! It's soooo good. The dough is… And the Sex and the City. Mmm. (Right now, Roy is home. He's leaving in twenty minutes, which is why I'm sitting here writing and not watching and eating).

I was watching the first episode of Sex and the City yesterday, and I have to say, it makes me want to move to New York from London and go have sex with lots of random men. I know, to do that I would have to actually move to London first, but hey, would London be that bad? I could talk in a British accent and have tea and crumpets every day at 3:00 before going to Polo games… Couldn't I? I'm pretty sure if a Brit read that they'd get ticked off by all of by all of my stereotypes. Whoops.

But yeah, I would love to live in London. With all of the dreary, rainy days, all of the history and the architecture and the great literature… Mmm. I can almost taste London when I think about it. I bet houses in London have terraces, and let's face it, who doesn't want an English boy? Love Actually? Yes, please! Hugh Grant! Yummy!

Hehe. Roy just came through the bedroom to give me a kiss and tell me goodnight so he can go out drinking. YES! I love having the house to myself. I mean, I really like Roy… but honestly, that's a big boy! He takes up a lot of space! And his personality is big too! Sometimes, I just need a little me time. Anyway, he saw the words Hugh Grant next to Yummy and freaked. I had to put you down on my lap, diary, and convince Roy I was comparing him to Hugh Grant! He totally bought it… Nothing about that boy is Hugh Grant. Giggle.

So, I got a new Brides magazine today! All of the dresses are so pretty! Even though I already picked mine. The actual dress part of it is strapless, but there are like lace sleeves on it too… It's hard to explain, but I love it. It's gorgeous… And I planned some more stuff for the wedding. Like the roses and my bridesmaids dresses. I'm really excited. We still have the invitations, the cake, and the catering to go, but other than that, we're not bad. Except that Roy STILL hasn't picked the DJ/Band whatever… Which is annoying.

We're getting so close to the wedding that I really think I need to start bringing some of my planning stuff to work with me. I have so much free time in between phone calls at the office, and I can't watch Sex and the City at work, so I'm forced to watch it at home and plan my wedding at work. Whatever. Getting paid to plan your wedding is like getting paid to poop. It's awesome.

Word of the Day:

**Glutton (gluh-ten) –** I feel like a glutton when I eat a pound of cookie dough while watching Sex and the City, but at the same time, if I get fat, who cares? Maybe then I'll get a break from sex!

Sentence: Hugh Grant's body has obviously never heard of gluttony… Mmm mmm.

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Review, Review, Review!! Thanks! 


	17. Dwight's Speech

Wow. I got a lot of kind of pointed reviews on the last chapter. It definitely wasn't my best chapter, I knew that already (in fact, I would say it was the worst one yet) so, I'm going to see if I can reply to what each of you said about the last chapter and try an offer an explanation as to why the entry wasn't chock full of explosive details about Pam's mind... Why she didn't go into how she felt about Jim's Happy Valentines Day.

The reason why I didn't write a lot about V.Day is because I think Pam wouldn't want to focus on it. It's such a painful thing for her (as you can tell), that I can just imagine her trying to block it out, even out of her diary. We can all see how much she doesn't want to admit her feelings for Jim on the show. I think, on some level, if shes working that hard to keep from forgetting it in front of others, she probably is working at least somewhat as hard behind the scenes in her diary. Just me. Maybe I'm wrong. But sometimes, when people are REALLY upset, they won't mention it, but it'll come out in little tidbits. So, here's this chapter.

Oh, and go into reading this chapter with the knowledge that Jim told her to have a Happy Valentines Day, and she had no idea what to do with it. I mean, she loves Jim. We at least all agree on that? Can you imagine hearing Happy Valentines Day from someone you love, but you're sure doesn't love you back and you're sure will never be with you? It's with that emotion that I write this chapter, and I hope it aids your reading.

Now, your reviews:

maddi- hmm. I would say Hugh Grant is yummy. And this is the same Pam that bought celebrity sex tapes--I wouldn't have said she'd like that? haha. I don't know. I guess I kind of agree with you.  
SmallTuna- I hate Valentines Day too. Yeah, it was hard for her. Maybe, too hard for her. I think she thought about it a lot, and so if you go into this chapter thinking about that, and how she felt after that, maybe it'll give you a better appreciation of Pam's lack of acknowledging it in this past one? Did that make sene.  
Glinda- which part does? Cookie dough and sex in the city?  
BigTuna- Here's what you were looking for, I think. And actually, I've never seen an episode of Sex and the City... Except half of the promo.  
Trista- Thank you! that's such a huge compliment, I really appreciate it!!! I cant wait for Casino Night either, yet I'm kind of nervous about it... Hopefully I can do it jealous.  
Deleon- Haha, yeah! Definitely. Pam is so funny. But could you see her in London, trying to be Carrie Bradshaw? haha. :)  
Literati- yep, just okay, I agree. Cookie dough is amazing!!!

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February 20, 2006

So, today I got hit in the head by a football. Thrown by Michael. After Dwight attacked stud muffin Ryan (he's not that cute!) and old man walker Creed! And of course, after I got hit in the head with the football, The Snow Queen gave me one of those looks that obviously said, "you disgust me, tramp." Bitch! Have you _seen_ Kelly?

Wow, I'm a bit fiery today. Feisty. I'll kick your ass if you try and cross me, and I have no idea why!

So, Jim is an asshole. He plans his stupid vacation for June 8th. Who the hell goes to Australia on June 8th? Especially when his best friend is getting married? It's just rude and horrible. And I want to slap him because I hate it. I hate that he feels like my wedding isn't important. It's so god damn important. It's the one day that every little girl dreams of, and all I want is my best friend there and he has to go off to Australia and be an ass. UGH. I hate him.

I don't hate him… I'm just hurt. I just don't understand… I mean, Jim knew when my wedding is. He knew I wanted him there, and then he goes and plans his random, spontaneous trip for June 8th. Why can't he leave June 10th? God, I just really needed him there…

Of course, I can't tell Jim that. That's what you say to your mom or your sister or your maid of honor, not your male coworker who used to have a crush on you that you've pictured naked. He would make fun of me. And Roy would kill me. And that would be the end of that. So I'm trying to be strong here.

That's when it sucks to have a male best friend. I would love to have him as my maid of honor, but he might not look that great in a dress.

Oh my gosh. I watched Along Came Polly yesterday, and now I'm super spooked… It's all about this guy who gets married and goes on his honeymoon and his wife goes and bangs this French nudist. And yes, it's bangs. There was nothing lovely about that sex scene, other than that you want to be a part of it because it seems so hot.

Anyway, I'm ridiculous. And unstable. And impractical because my mind automatically goes through all of these doubts. The woman in the film is so scared and frightened about getting married, and it makes me wonder if Roy is that way too? I mean, he just picked the date in January after being engaged for years… He doesn't want a part of the wedding at all… He's just sitting there while I do all of this work, going out getting drunk and hitting on the ladies… And I don't know… Is he going to take me all the way to Hawaii to leave me on a beach while he has sex with some French nudist babe?

It scares me. But not as much as the next thought scares me.

Will I do that to him?

I mean, I'm not a slut… I'm not going to marry someone and then all of a sudden decide he's not right and go fuck some random guy on a beach with the palm trees blowing in the breeze and the other nudists watching… but it scares me. To see how terrified she was of taking the leap… I mean, I want to be honest about my feelings with the whole wedding thing.

I'm not completely, positively sure that I want to marry Roy.

There, I said it. But honestly, isn't ever bride like that? Doesn't every bride doubt at some point or another that they're where they're supposed to be? I mean, they have a whole phrase for it. What's it called again… Cold feet? Yeah, I just have cold feet. I'll put some socks on and it will be better.

Besides, you can't be completely positive about anything anymore. Especially the whole wedding thing.

But I'm as close to completely, positively sure about Roy as anybody can be about anything. I mean, I've known him for ten years. How dangerous can he be? How much doubt can there be if we've already been together for ten years? Not much.

I tried not to dwell on Valentines Day and being upset about it, but honestly, I still am. I mean, Roy didn't do anything for me except pop himself inside of me and pull back out. Nothing. Not even an I love you before bedtime? It was such a horrible day. And things have been kind of on the rocks between Jim and I since then because you know, he just kind of ignored me all day, up until the very end… I guess I just kind of felt alone. I hate feeling that way. It's so annoying. I hate Valentines Day. And I just can't get over it. Assholes.

I hate Along Came Polly.

But I love Jennifer Aniston. Kelly likes her too, and it's causing a rift in her heart and mind (does she have one of those?) because she loves Brad too but he had an affair with Angelina Jolie and so there's that whole problem. And I can't believe I just wrote about Brad, Angelina, and Jennifer in my diary. Who am I?

You know what? I think it would be fun to illustrate a children's book. Clifford the Big Red Dog? Or something like that? I don't know. It would just be cool.

Okay, I'm going to go read my Bridal magazines! Mom wants me to get orange invitations and that's just gross. Gotta go pick out the real ones. Some of this is just so boring.

Word of the Day:

**Doubt (****dowt**- A feeling of being unsure or uncertain about what the future holds, or what one believes.

Sentence: A bride may have doubts about her future husband, but that doesn't mean she won't have a happy life with him.

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Review, please! 


	18. Take Your Daughter To Work Day

I'm glad you all liked the last chapter!! I enjoyed writing it. I think the next one is Michael's Birthday. Can't remember, but can't wait. We're so close to Casino Night!!!!

Madi- Thanks so much! I really appreciate it!!! These are the two oddly formatted ones, haha.  
Mrs. Brody- Aww, thanks!! I identify with Pam a LOT, so I think that's why I write her the way I do. A lot of it is me shining through... And I see you read the article too!!!!! Haha! I love it!  
Josie- Thanks, Josie. It's hard to write these chapters because I have to go deep enough in to show a steady progression, but not so deep in that a) its obvious to Pam what she should do, or b) I run out of steam for the casino night entry.  
Leah- Cute review! And thanks, you said so many great things taht just made me smile! And good use of the settling, I hadn't thought of it that way. I might use it a bit later. :) And I'm sorry to hear about your friends.  
Xliterati- Ftw? Not sure what that means... I know what it is backwards, lol.  
BigTuna- Thanks so much! Here's your next chapter, not Michael's Birthday (which is one of my favorite episodes), but good nonetheless.Actually, I'm not a fan of this episode, but I hope this entry gives you a bit more of a solidity on Pam's doubts... I think it really does add something to the overall doubting of Roy's love... When you start to doubt your other as a father figure for your children, that's when it gets messy and a lot more personal/important.  
Anon- Haha. Man. Now I wish that I would have written that "accidentally". Haha.  
Princess- Thanks so much!!

I like this chapter. Not that we see all of this on the surface, but some random looks throughout the episode do kind of hint at this. I like to think of Pam as a deep thinker... And when I do that, I imagine her going home and thinking about her day and all that transpired. I think she would start to feel this way, and I think it's important in the progression of Pam's doubts. I said it to Big Tuna up above, but when you start to doubt your mate as a father-figure, as a woman, that's a HARD thing to come back from. And a deal-breaker, in many cases.

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March 5, 2006

I've been thinking a lot about kids today… Not because I want one or anything, I just have been. Take Your Snot-Nosed Brat To Work day was yesterday. I'm kidding. They aren't that bad at all. Take your daughter/son to work day was yesterday. I promise I don't think they're snot-nosed brats… Really. They aren't. Anyway. We had all of these kids running around and sticking their hands everywhere, and I tried so hard to be friends with just one of them. One. That's all I wanted. Some sort of proof that I can bond with at least one child. You know? Don't want to go into marriage with no kid friends. Mothers always bond with all of these different kids. Just one. That's all. One.

Well, my one was the hoodlum. And the same one Roy bonded with. Which means we are 100 percent likely to get a hoodlum child. Woo. Hoo. I can see why Meredith drinks all the time. That will be me in twenty years, ladies and gentlemen.

Today as I was thinking about kids, I started thinking of my childhood. The plaid jumper I wore for three school photographs (2nd-4th grade, baby. I was a midget), the tire swing I played on during every recess (by myself. I wasn't very popular), candy cane socks, pigtail braids, making tents in my room with my sisters, flashlight tag, games of jump rope and the little songs you used to sing on the playground. Speaking of which… This one:

Pam and Roy, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.

Uh oh. I don't want no baby in a baby carriage. Not right now. I'm scared of babies and baby carriages. At least right now. I'm not ready for babies or baby carriages! No. No. No.

It almost makes me not want to get married. The idea that I might have to give up my life and sit there with a baby all day long, holding it and feeding it… And how will I know how to make it stop crying? What if I drop it? What if it spits on me or poops or something?

Don't get me wrong. I like kids. They're cute. I want to like them more, and I want to be better with them… but they can be kind of scary. I mean, I did some babysitting in high school. Very little, but some… And I was always so glad to give them back to their parents and get my money. But when you have kids, you don't get to do that! You're stuck with them! And you don't get money! It's just an idea that takes some growing into… That's why I hate that song. It's not a step-by-step process! And what happened to the sex?!?!

And here's the thing that really kind of annoys me. Roy? A father? Are you kidding me? No, I mean, he'll be good when we do decide to have kids, I think… And I am going to have kids. It's important to me. I already have the name picked out, and I have to use it. It's not fair to judge Roy… but if it was… Oh man. He was fighting the kids. FIGHTING them. Like, with his fists. I don't think I want my husband fighting our child with his fists.

I guess I just never considered it before… You know? I mean, I knew that I was going to have children with my husband. And I knew Roy was going to be my husband… But somehow, I just didn't ever consider that Roy would be the father to my children. And I knew he would be the one that impregnated me but as far as being a father…

Jim, on the other hand. He's completely different. He's the guy that you don't picture impregnating you, but you picture him being there for all of his kids birthday parties and ballet recitals and christenings and door slammings… Well, maybe you do picture him impregnating you, but not as much as you picture the Roy-type. And I can't help but think that the fathering thing is more important…

But I'm sure when our child comes, Roy will grow into it. Just like I will. We will be terrific parents, in a lot of years… Maybe. No, we will be. Little Ella will have the best parents in the world. Yep. And she'll be adorable.

Hah. I found out today that Jim babysits. And plays with dolls. Oh man. Pardon me while I try and stop laughing.

Okay, so apparently Kelly and I have become friends. Which is really, really unfortunate because today was Take Your Daughter To Work day, and everybody knows Kelly loooooves kids. Well, of course, this year, Kelly has a boyfriend. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. The temp. Kelly really knows how to bring her A-game when it comes to dating and choosing boys. He picks today to hit on Stanley's daughter, Melissa (Terry is not her mother! Never make that mistake again!), and Kelly sees him, and there goes my day.

Thirty two minutes and fifty four seconds. That's how long Kelly rambled on and on to me about how Ryan was an asshole and a pedophile but "Oh my God!" she still loves him. And she still wants babies with him. My god, those would be some… interesting looking… babies.

And to top that all off, I'm one day late. I'm not completely normal anyway, and I doubt I'm pregnant because Roy and I haven't been physical much this past month, but still. With all the kid talk, I'm a bit freaked out.

This makes me sound like I don't want kids. I do want kids. I desperately want kids. I want a daughter to hold and dress up and play fun games with and talk about makeup and boys with. And I want a boy to wrestle with and play trucks and trains and watch play baseball and stuff. I really, really do want kids. I just don't want them now. And now, when I'm on the brink of getting married to the man I love but really can't imagine being a father, the idea of becoming a mother and having to care for my children is so frightening. It doesn't make me not want them. It just makes me realize how precious my time without them is… And I don't mean that the way it sounds. One day, I will be a mother, and I will have children, and I will love them to death and I will love every minute of being their mother… But that day is not today. And it is not nine months from today. And I hope it's not three years from today. Right now, the thought of that scares me.

I really wish I could talk to my mom about all of this. I just feel like I can't. It's not that I don't trust my mom, it's just… Well, you know how when you're a kid and you have a crush on this cute kid, we'll call him Bob (Bob can be a cute kid's name, right?), and you kind of keep it in forever because you know that if you're the only one that knows there's no reason for you to do anything about it because nobody else knows and so nobody else is watching you thinking "is she gonna do something bout that?" so you can just kind of be fine with liking him and you don't have to do anything? As soon as you tell someone else and she knows, you get all of those bombarding questions and you can't go back and erase it. When it's just you, you can convince yourself it wasn't true or whatever, but when you tell someone, you can't go back! And all of a sudden all of the questions come up and the risks are greater and Bob could find out any minute, and you'd never know, and everybody is watching your every move.

This is like that.

If I told my Mom all my doubts about Roy being a good husband and father, it would be like admitting it out loud. Years from now, when we're sitting on the couch and Roy asks, "did you ever have any doubts about me?" I wouldn't be able to say No because I would have already told my mom. And even then, my mom is the type of person that will listen to me, and then say, "Pam, honey, you can't marry someone you have doubts about." Which is false. You can! You can! Just because you have doubts doesn't mean that you can't be happy. Every girl has doubts right before her wedding. It's just the way it is. And every mother has doubts about her husband right before the babies are born. She has to. It's impossible not to. But doubts never stopped anything.

And yet, I can't help but wonder if I would have all of these doubts if it was my best friend I was marrying instead of Roy… Sometimes, I think I would. Most of the time, though, I think the doubts would disappear.

Word of the Day:

**Ella (el-luh)- **A gorgeous honey-blonde haired, green eyed child who is three and plays princesses and twirls around the house in her pink 'tutu' and loves her mommy and thinks her mommy is the best person in the whole world. Characteristics of this child include: normal eating, going to bed when told without a fuss, not-too-hyper, loveable, cuddly, and doesn't like sugar of any kind.

Sentence: Ella is going to be just like her mommy because she's a good little girl.

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Review, please!

And so you know: A lot of this is really a fabrication of how I'm feeling. I would think, if I saw my soon-to-be-husband, who I have some doubts about anyway, fighting with a child, I would probably go tail-spin crazy. Not to mention, not many people want to have children the minute they get married... Even Jenna Fischer. She says so in her article _10 Things You Don't Know About Women_ (read it!). "We really want to have kids. That is until you want to have kids. Then: "Hey, slow down. What about my career? It's my body. I'm not just a depository for your sperm, you know. Fuck off. Wait, come back. I'm sorry about that. It's sweet you want to have kids. Let's talk about it in a year."

So, hope you enjoyed it!


	19. Michael's Birthday

And here we go... Michael's Birthday. One of my favorite episodes, if only for Michael's brilliant phone call to Jan about having the same birthday. CLASSIC.

I'm so glad you all liked the last entry. Here are your responses:

Mrs. Big- Haha. Yeah the video of him and Chet is funny, but not as funny as it is sad when little Sasha pipes up, "so you didnt get to be what you wanted to be." I can just see the hatred for Toby flairing up inside Michael for creating thie child. And yet, he and Sasha bond! So funny. Anyway, I'm glad you liked the entry.  
Mrs. Brody- Ooh! I'm glad you agree on that. I was concerned it wouldn't be. And Fischer's articlepure gold!!  
SmallTuna- Have I told you that the little child I babysit for I call "Lil Tuna?" Haha. And yeah, as soon as I realized that Roy could potentially be a father one day, I was like "oh my god! What is she doing with her life?!?!"And about Pam thinking of marrying Jim--I didn't really mean it the way you took it, I guess. At first, I just meant it in the fact that Jim is her best friend, and naturally, she's going to compare Roy to him. Then the last part was more designed to say that Roy ISNT her best friend, and if she was marrying her best friend, things would be different. Not if she was marrying Jim. If Roy was her best friend, and she was marrying Roy, as her best friend. Sorry for the confusion!  
Glenda- I know. And she's the sad kind of unsure. She's the kind of unsure that's sure she's sure but really she's unsure. Hopefully she'll straighten out soon.  
Katy- You're too much, girl. Haha. Thanks for reading this one :) And you're awesome. I mean, yeah, he's Roy. I'm glad we have the same thoughts on him--that'll make it easier for us when we write OFD. And don't you just want to shake Pam? I do. :)  
Xliterati- I like the name Ella too. It's my little cousin's name. So cute! So cute! And for the win! Got it!!!

Special Thanks and Kudos to Katy04 for beta'ing this chapter. She's a fantastic beta :)

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March 14, 2006

So, today Kevin found out he didn't have skin cancer. I'm relieved, and I know that seems like it should be obvious, but I just feel like I should say it. The whole day was kind of stressful and heart wrenching though. I mean, nobody wants to think about the possibility of their friend having cancer. As much as Kevin creeps me out a little, I still want him to be okay. But, it just got me thinking. Kevin's older than me, but he's not that much older than me… I mean, he's living his adult life and a scare like this happens, and I mean, what's to keep it from being more than a scare? And if it can happen to Kevin, why couldn't it happen to me?

So then I start thinking about the whole death thing and how it could happen to me anytime… And I wonder, what would I do if I knew I was going to die? I mean, for the most part, people with cancer know when they're going to die. And I honestly think I don't know. I mean, the cameras asked me and I said I'd go to Europe and South America and the Grand Canyon and the Pacific Ocean, and even though I do want to go all of these places (I left Australia off my list because I'm pissed at Jim. Take that, Down Under!), I really don't think I'd go there if I had a week to live… I mean, what fun are all of those places if you go by yourself and leave everyone you love at home? I would want to see my parents, my sisters, my friends… So, unless you get everyone I love on a plane and send us over there together, I still don't think I'd go. And who would waste 17 hours of their last week on earth in a plane? That seems stupid, to me.

But then I started thinking… what if I didn't know ahead of time? What if I was walking down the street and Michael hit me with his car (not that it would ever happen, I'm just saying…). I started thinking about everything I thought I wanted when I was younger and everything I've dreamed about doing, and I don't know. I would be really disappointed if I died tomorrow. Not just because I'm dead, and I know a dead person can't be disappointed but because of all I would have missed out on. I've always wanted to fall in love, get married, have babies, travel the world, have my artwork be the inspiration for a tattoo, draw something that went somewhere other than the fridge, bungee jump, take a risk, lay in bed all day, drink a whole gallon of chocolate milk without worrying about the calories… and all of these things, I wouldn't have done. And I think that's more depressing than death itself. Dying when you haven't done all of the things you've wanted to do.

I think, on my last day on earth, I would want to wake up in the arms of someone who loved me deeply. I would want French toast and bacon for breakfast, and I would want to take my time eating it, out on my terrace. I would want to paint the best portrait of my life. I would want to go for a walk with Jim and laugh, planning his next prank. I would want to come home and have a great, nice, relaxing dinner. I'd want to play with my cats, and if I had kids, I would want to play with them and hold them… And I'd want to go to bed the same way I woke up. Completely in love and loved by someone else. Is there something wrong with that picture?

And if that didn't happen, well, I would probably want a day kind of like today. Waking up, getting ready for work. Walking in the office and seeing my best friend propped up against my desk, eating jelly beans from the jar, waiting for me. Talking to him for a few minutes before Michael comes in, claiming it was his birthday (not that on my last day on earth I'd particularly want Michael there, but…), and then I'd want to go on a field trip with Jim to the store to buy random things like fabric softener (how adorable is that?) or 69 cups of noodle. And then I'd finish my day skating at the local skating rink, and crawling into bed with three episodes of sex and the city, a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream, and a smile on my face.

I really enjoyed my day today. It's rare that I get so much time with Jim… I mean, we're best friends (at least I think we are… I'm not sure what he thinks. But he's my best friend), and we hardly ever get any time for just the two of us. Because honestly, if we did, everyone would raise eyebrows at us. I mean, when we do get to hang out it's at work, and if we hang out outside of work, it's usually either a hassle to make sure it's fine with Roy, or it's a bit awkward because Roy and Jim are both there… So, it was nice. Getting to talk and laugh without worrying without people wondering about us.

Honestly, and this is such a school girl thing to say, I have a crush on Jim. Not a huge one. It's not like my heart is exploding out of my chest or anything, but I do have a crush. I mean, he's cute, right? He's adorable and funny… Any girl would have a crush on him. And I don't think this is a bad thing because Roy has a crush on Anna Nicole Smith. So I'm allowed to have a crush on Jim Halpert. Same deal, right? Yep.

But oh man. He's seriously, like, the perfect guy. Good-looking, funny, fun to be around, smart. Not exactly hard-working, unless he wants to be, but seriously. No girl could ask for better.

And he's my best friend. How lucky am I?

But, just a crush. All he'll ever be, and that's totally and completely fine because I'm getting married to Roy. Good old Roy. Same guy he was ten years ago, which means he's stable and he's not going to go changing on me. Good to know, good to know.

Did I mention today was Michael's birthday? Well, today is Michael's birthday. And that brought back a lot of memories… It's been ten years since I met Roy and we started dating. He's pretty good about birthdays (I'm not a subtle hinter… I tend to leave out the birthday cards my mom sends me on the mantle, put exclamation points on the calendar, buy the cake mix and frosting I like… Leave out a birthday wish list…). He's remembered my birthday nine times out of ten. And that tenth time, well, I'm not really sure what happened. It might have been that he forgot, but it might also have been that he was too mad at me to say anything. I don't know which is worse. Actually, I think forgot is worse. And I'm pretty sure that's what happened because I never got a birthday present.

I think it was two years ago? Maybe three? I can't remember. I know I knew Jim at the time, I'd been working at Dunder-Mifflin for probably about a year and a half. Anyway, March 6th (the day before my birthday), Roy had gone out drinking with his friends. I'd been watching some really risqué show on HBO (Yay HBO for it's no-need-to-cover-up philosophy!) and gotten in the mood. Roy was out, and I thought 'eh, might as well do it myself.' So I was pretty far into it, and all of a sudden Roy walks in the room, and he was pissed. I mean, livid. And honestly, I don't understand it…

I'm not going to lie and say it wasn't embarrassing. It was really, really, really embarrassing. It made me feel really, really, really dirty. And when you're embarrassed and dirty, you get offensive, and you yell. And so I did.

But honestly, I made some damn good points. If he can do it, why can't I? If I'm not good enough for him and he has to do it himself, why can't I? I don't get the whole double standard crap. Girls get horny too, gosh damn it.

Anyway, the next day I woke up and Roy didn't say a word to me about my birthday. He didn't treat me like he was mad at me too much, but he didn't say anything. Even when I hinted at it. No dinner reservations, no birthday eggs, no cake, no 'happy birthday, Pam'. Nothing. It's not like March 7th is a hard date to remember! My gosh! It's Wanda Sykes birthday for crying out loud!!! And the Mrs. America chick he lusted after, her birthday's the same day. It's really not a hard date to remember!!!

I think what made it worse is when I got to work, Jim had made me happy face pancakes. No, I'm not kidding. They were chocolate chip, so I guess they were freckled happy face pancakes. The eyes were chocolate sprinkles, the lips were whipped cream, and the nose was a cherry. I'm not kidding, here. And there was bacon on the side. And they were delicious. Then, he sent me like 20 birthday cards throughout the day (e-cards), even one of cartoon Hugh Grant doing a striptease. He took me out to lunch (at Cuginos, of course), and then he gave me a mixed CD. I still have it somewhere. Okay, not somewhere, it's in my CD player in my car.

Like I said, perfect man to crush on.

Aggravating when even your fiancée can't remember your birthday, though. And if he did remember and he was just too pissed to say anything, then he's a prick.

Oh, and let's not mention the fact that my birthday was last week, and other than the card from my mom that was on my dresser with a post it note that said "ditto, love ya –Roy" he didn't do much. He did order pizza that night so I didn't have to cook, but other than that, nothing. (Jim sent me the Hugh Grant e-card again)

I bought a new bath rug while Jim and I were out today. Hot pink. I want to see how long it takes Roy to notice it. My bet is on a few days, even if it is hot pink. If I can make it to seven days, I'm going to do something. I'm not sure what. I'm betting myself that Roy will not notice it within seven days. If myself wins, I will pay myself 50 bucks. If myself loses, myself will pay me 50 bucks. So, win-win situation.

I got a new watch at Target today. Call me a freak, but it's Spiderman. It's really cool. And then Roy accidentally stepped on it this afternoon, and now it says it's 3:32 and it's blinking. And not in that "you need to change the time" way… The "Dude, you stepped on me and I'm broken" way. So my watch is broken. Oh well.

Sex and the City time!!! I'm on season three already!!!

Word of the Day:

**March 7 (march sev-enth)- **The day Pamela Beesly was born. The exact "birth moment" was 5:26 AM, but this is irrelevant. This day should be celebrated with, at minimum, the following things: A Hugh Grant animated birthday card, a vanilla cake with strawberry frosting and sprinkles, one rendition of the Happy Birthday song, a "Happy Birthday, baby", and a card from my mother. Pam should be treated like a princess on this day. It is her birthday, a day to be celebrated. It is not the anniversary of the worst day in the world.

Sentence: Michael declared March 7th a Dunder-Mifflin holiday to honor my birthday, but since there are no towns celebrating with parades or banners flying in the air, we are all still required to report to work. However, on March 15th (Michael's birthday), we are all to report to the skating rink.

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I think she's a bit less unsure in this episode. I'm not sure. What do you think? Drug Testing next!! Then we hit the two big ones: Conflict Res and Casino Night. Review! 


	20. Drug Testing

Well, here it is, the next chapter. Expect the next installment to be up next weekend. (Finals coming up). If it's not, get on my wonderful beta, katy04 about it and she'll make me do it. Thanks to her for beta'ing this chapter and letting me know what was off and what wasn't :)

SmallTuna- So cute about your little Tuna and big haircut. :) I'm glad you like Pam's little list. She's so cute. :)  
BigTuna- That's the only thing that stinks about writing a story from Pam's POV only... Sometimes, I don't get to talk about the really good stuff. And yeah, go Pam. She's retarded and smart at the same time. Right now I'm writing a song fic for my other story that details just how much thought she puts into her and Roy. :) I hope this chapter does your feelings justice about the episode. And I agree with you.  
Literati- I agree, and yet I don't. hard to explain. Haha. Roy's grown on me the more I've written about him.  
Katy- Is Roy a dick? Sorry, I didn't hear you. CR is next. Email me if you have any suggestions bout it. :) (Hope you did well on your test).  
Glinda- Haha! I almost didn't put that part in there. Actually, I redid the chapter, and I changed the wording of it, and it didn't even upload that part. It was supposed to say, "I mean, say one day I die in this freak accident, like Michael hits me with his car or something, I don't know..."  
MadiWillow-haha thanks!  
Deleon- Oh, I know. I know. I know.  
Maddikinz- Yeah, it's pretty cute. And yeah, her entry's will be somewhat depressing, but I'll also get to explore new-life Pam, which will be fun. :)

And here it is! Next is Conflict Res and then Casino Night, I believe. :)

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April 5, 2006

I have a secret.

But first, the background story.

Dwight is a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy, and he's always annoying Jim because he keeps talking about his "big break" and how he can't wait until he get's a real case to solve. Well, yesterday, Dwight found a joint in the parking lot. This, of course, led to a ton of investigating, questioning, and all around debauchery. Each of us were called into the conference room, given a labeled picture of marijuana and asked to describe it. Dwight had a urine specialist come in and test all of our pee. Dwight peed in a cup for Michael and carried it around with him all day… And that's pretty much all I know. But…

The joint wasn't really a joint. I shredded some paper, took the thickest piece, and rolled it up. Then, I opened one of my herbal tea bags, put the contents inside the paper and left it in the parking lot for Dwight to find.

I was hoping to share this information with Jim, but sometimes, life gets in the way. Jim and I have, for as long as we've known each other, played tons of games. Everything from "green light" (we drive down the streets of town and whenever we come to a red light, we shout different shades of green and see which one convinces the light to change) to the "quote game" (he says a quote from a TV show or movie, and I have to tell him who said it and what the context was), to my personal favorite, "jinx". Today, jinx was our game of choice, and unfortunately, it caused what could have been an interesting day to turn even more interesting.

Basically, the rules of jinx are that if two people say the same thing at the same exact time, whoever yells "jinx" first wins. The loser then has to be completely silent until he (it's always Jim) can buy the winner (always me!) a coke. Today, however, there was a glitch in the jinx game.

We ran out of coke. I've never been so sad to be out of coke. Anyway, this was at 10 in the morning. Jim was silent until 2:23. It was probably the worst part of the entire day. Silent Jim. Especially with the whole Dwight thing going on. Luckily, he did brief me on what was going on when I finally got my coke. Eventually, I just couldn't take the silence anymore so I went and bought him a coke from the office next door, and then he bought it from me. Oh and the best part of the jinx game today was Jim's fake crying! Oh my god! That was priceless.

And I'm rambling. About nothing. To keep from mentioning the moment that has been confusing me since it happened.

I've always know that Jim and I have a really strange connection… chemistry? We've always been able to gauge how the other was feeling and to really understand each other. Even before we were ever really friends. I remember when I first met Jim, he was coming in for his interview and he saw me and I looked up at him, and for a moment it felt like the world just stopped spinning. There was this odd sort of understanding between us… A link, maybe? Some sort of connection that I just can't quite put my finger on. Something just happens between us. I don't really know. I think it's what makes us such good friends. I feel like we can understand each other so completely, even though we're far away. Even when he's at home, and I'm at home, sometimes, every now and then, I get this feeling. It's my Jim feeling. Tells me when he's upset. I've never told him that, but I know that's what it is.

Well, today we had a moment.

We're sitting in the kitchen, and I'm making fun of Jim, and we're both laughing… Okay, I'm laughing. And he's giving me this look that quite obviously says he wants to say something… So I'm still teasing him, and I say, "You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason." He laughs a little, and I prod some more. "Come on, you can tell me." And then the clincher. "Jim, you can tell me anything."

And then he looks at me. I can feel his eyes on me. When I look up, they're sad, almost. And then he looks down for a moment, then further down, and further down. And all of a sudden, it's like I understand…. There _is_ something he wants to tell me. I have no idea what it is, but whatever it is, he feels like he can't tell me.

My heart aches. He knows he can tell me anything. He knows that, doesn't he? What could he possibly be keeping from me? We joke around a lot, I know. But he knows he can tell me anything… I would like to think I've never said anything that has told him otherwise. I just, I don't know.

But that moment. That moment when our eyes met… It was a strange feeling. I felt, and this sounds cheesy and horrible, but I felt like we were one or something. Gosh, that sounds horrible and once it's written on paper it's written and I'm not going to start this entire entry over, but we just were connected. In a weird, weird way…

I kind of feel that if we had just kept staring, just for half a moment longer, I would have gotten it. Whatever he was trying to tell me. I would have gotten it. I just hope he tells me some day.

I feel guilty though. I mean, he was so upset… And I missed him so much today. And he missed me, I think… But I wonder… If the jinx thing had been lifted…. Would he have gotten whatever it was off his chest? That, I don't know. I just wish I knew what was bothering him.

I have to remember to tell him about the joint tomorrow. That should cheer him up.

Oh! I am almost done with my wedding planning! Just a few more things to clear up and then Roy and I will be married and life will be perfect. He's been really sweet these past two weeks. I can't really explain how, but he just has. He's come home every night. He cooked me dinner last night. We went out to the movies this weekend, and I had a really big headache. Well, normally Roy is kind of a stickler for saving money and everything, but he actually got up, halfway through the movie (which he let me pick!) and got me one of those 4 dollar bottled waters. He's really being sweet and loving.

My mom called last night and said Roy had called her sometime last week just to talk. He and my mom aren't close close, but they aren't distant either. It was still nice, though. He didn't call with any other agenda, she said. Just wanted to know how his future mother-in-law was doing. If that's not sweet, honestly, what is?

I don't know why I ever doubted Roy. Yeah, sure he has his moments of insanity and driving me nuts, but he really is a sweet guy, underneath it all. I haven't seen this movie in a long time, but he reminds me of Claire in _The Breakfast Club_. You know, the girl who is always trying to hide who she really is behind these facades, but she comes out every now and then in glimpses to the people who really know her. Maybe Claire's not the best example. Okay, here's the right example. He's Alex, from Grey's Anatomy. He's completely closed off and ugly and rude to anyone who doesn't really know him, but behind the scenes, when he's not trying to impress anyone and he's really just being himself, he's amazing. He's Roy. He's my Roy.

I guess I was silly to doubt him these past few weeks. I really think it was just the nerves talking. He's shown me plenty of reasons why he's the man for me. He really can be just an exceptional person. And he knows me so well. So well. I can't think of any secrets that are hidden from him. That makes me feel pretty dang good.

Word of the Day:

**Chemistry (chem.-iss-tree)- **The high school class where the jocks and stoners blow things up without getting in trouble. Can also be used to describe a relationship between two people.

Sentence: Sometimes chemistry leads to love… Sometimes it doesn't.

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Thanks to my wonderful beta, katy04 for beta'ing. (do you like the sentence better?). Please review and let me know what you think!!


	21. Conflict Resolution

Well guys, here it is... I had a LOT of trouble with this chapter, so I really hope you like it. It's a hard one because after we find out Jim was the complainer, you don't see much Pam interaction outside of the small acknowledgement that she heard him and the stare forward. So, hopefully I'm into little Pamela's head. :)

Next is Casino Night. That will take hours to write, I'm sure. I may split it up into different entries, I'm not sure. I'll have to think about it. Most likely, I'll use her journal as the medium that really gets her thinking and realizing what she's done wrong... But, we'll see.

Also. Pay attention here, people. Katy04 and I will be writing a joint story together. Because FF won't let us post it seperately and we're both going to be writing and uploading, we've created a new penname that is for the two of us for our joint stories. It is AG.and.Katy, so if you like either of us or both of us, go find our profile, add us to your author alerts/favs whatever, and look for the story to be up within the next few days. :)

Reviews:  
Madi- Yeah, the story will go in through the third season at least. I have to have SOMETHING to do with the writers strike going on still!  
SmallTuna- Yeah, that scene just amazes me. They are both wonderful actors... I would LOVE to know what John was thinking about to get that look in his eyes when they were doing that scene. It was perfect. Mmm, I disagree about Roy. I think there is SOME good under there. There are plenty of episodes that show that (the one that comes to mind, when Pam's mom comes to visit?) I think there is evidence in the way Pam practically floats on air after their vacation. I think, honestly, Roy's problem is that a) he doesn't understand women or how to be a good boyfriend and b) he thinks he has to hide his good moments when his friends are around. I think he's more like Karev than you think!! (and yeah, I have more insight into chapters I like... I'm not sure if it's because I really like the episodes where I can tell Pam is shaken up, or if I would rather write for an episode that I like or what it is... BUT, I will say there are some episodes I really like for reasons other than Pam, and I can't write about that on here).  
Mrs.BigTuna- Oh thank you! I adore Jen Celotta... I believe she wrote Performance Review, as well. Yeah, I think there are a few monumental things we see in that scene. 1) Pam knows Jim SO well that she can pick up on his desire to say things 2) Jim desperately wants to let her in, but can't 3) They live to talk to each other and 4) I think for the first time Pam begins to understand what's up with Jim, not that she'll let herself admit it.  
Maddikinz- Thanks darling! I did review your story, which you already know because you replied! Thanks for calling me a good author, made my day!  
Katy- You would. I usually listen to your comments. Sometimes, maybe.  
Mrs. Brody- I can just see her wanting to spill all to Jim about the joint, but not wanting to until he can respond!! And honestly, can't you see Dwight not even checking to see if it was a real joint? Haha.  
Glinda- I'm glad you liked it!

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April 23, 2006

You know, I'm one of those people that will be really angry at first, but the more I think about it, the less it seems like a big deal. Eventually, most things just blow over... And the things that don't, well, those are the big things. The ones that may never blow over. I like to think I'm good at picking my battles because of this part of my personality. It's really easy for me to just let things blow over, you know? To move on with my life after arguments. And that's a good thing.

Except when someone does something that pisses me off to the point where I can't even think straight, even days after the event… Okay, maybe I'm not really pissed. I think I'm more just hurt. Yeah. Hurt. Really, really flipping hurt.

Sometimes, the things that Jim does… Well, they just hurt me. Really badly. It's almost like he has this express ticket into my heart and sometimes, he brings a jackhammer with him and sometimes he leaves it at home. I hate that feeling. The constant guarding. What if he hurts me? He's just so difficult sometimes…

I don't understand him. Why can't he just be happy for me? Isn't that what friends do? Friends take care of each other. They have each other's backs. Regardless of what happens. Regardless of if they're making stupid decisions. Regardless. Friends stand up for each other. And friends are happy for each other when the other one is happy. That's the way friendship works. This isn't rocket science. Did he miss kindergarten or something?

I am happy. I am happy where I am. Roy and I are getting married in a little over a month. My sister and I are getting along great. I'm not getting much time to paint or draw, but I'm doing it sometimes on the corners of napkins and things. I'm just happy where I am. I'm happy at this stage in my life. Why can't he be happy that I'm happy?

The thing about Jim is he always seems like he's jealous when he's around me. I don't know what that's about. He gets defensive and guarded sometimes, and I wish he would just let his guard down. Just once. Tell me what in the world it is that is going on with him. He clams up, especially when it's more than just me. And I don't understand it. When did he become that guy? Ever since the Booze Cruise, he's steadily gotten weirder and weirder and… I don't know. Maybe the other day was just the final straw, but really, I don't know. If it happened as a standalone, I think I'd still be upset.

Basically, I've been planning my wedding at work, which I know I've written about before, but yeah, here it is. Well, JIM complained to Toby about it and filed an actual complaint! And now the whole office knows, and he just played along when I thought it was Angela. Didn't even say anything. But the worst part is, I told him thinking I could trust him. I thought he would keep the secret, be okay, whatever. I thought he would be my friend, and then he goes off and tells Toby about how horrible I am. "Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn't she do that at home?" The nerve of him! What an ass!

I guess, the thing that hurts me most is that of all the people, it was him… He's the one that's upset that I'm planning my wedding. He's the one that I tell everything to. He's my best friend. If anyone is supposed to be happy for me, wanting me to be happy, wanting me to succeed no matter what, it should be him, shouldn't it? If anyone is supposed to keep my secrets, he should be the one. And yet, it's almost like he can't handle it. Maybe my happiness is just eating at him inside, I don't know. I don't know if he's jealous or angry or upset or what it is. I don't know if it has anything to do with me. I just know I miss my old friend… And I wish that I had a best friend that I could lean on right now. One that isn't going to Australia while I'm getting married. God, doesn't he know how much I need him?

It's just… he's the only one I count on. I talk to him about all of the stuff I can't talk to anyone else about, not even myself. I guess it just felt like a personal rejection. You know? It's just hard to explain… I'm already freaking out enough about the wedding, and he's just riding in on his black horse to ruin my day again.

I just… Why is he like this? And why am I so hurt by this? It's irrational for me to be this hurt. I know it's irrational for me to be this hurt.

My grandmother used to say, "Only the ones you love can hurt you." I guess that's kind of true. If you don't love someone, he or she wouldn't have enough control over you to hurt you. It's weird though… Roy, he doesn't really hurt me much anymore… I mean, he hasn't, recently… It's more just the memories of what used to be and the overall disrespect he sometimes pulls… But it's not normally a gut wrenching pain… Not like it was with Jim.

I'm hoping it will all just blow over. Maybe I need a little more time. Jim's friendship means so much to me; I don't want to lose it over something silly like Roy and my's wedding.

I have this frightening thought… What if I don't want to _be_ married as much as I want to _get _married? Neah, that's not possible, is it?

Maybe I'm just up in arms over the whole wedding thing because now Angela's gonna be there. Oh well, what can you do?

Word of the Day:

**Friends (****Frenz****)-**Two people who are always there for each other, despite the stupid decisions one makes in front of the other. As C.S. Lewis would say, "Friendship is born the minute one person says, 'hey, me too!'."

Sentence: Jim's my friend, but friends have to tell each other stuff or else it never works out.

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Please review and tell me what you think! Anything you want to see in casino night, next chapter? I'm holding it ransom. I want 10 good reviews, telling me what you liked and hated, and telling me what you NEED to see in the next chapter. You can do it.

Ps. I LOVE the line "Jim's friendship means so much to me; I don't want to lose it over something silly like Roy and my's wedding." It just came out of my fingers and when I went back and read it, I got chills.


	22. Casino Night

Okay, so I said I wanted 10 reviews. I got 4, plus one through IM. So, I'm uploading this chapter ONLY because FF has been acting up lately and I'm taking it on good faith that there were six of you who tried to review but couldn't. If this continues to be the case, please PM me. I really, really like to know what you all think--and especially with this chapter, which was the hardest to write by far.

Also, I'm trying to upload the first chapter of AG.and.Katy's story, but its not letting me. Look for it soon!

Reviews:

Alison- Thanks darling!  
Dancer- I think I might go with just this one... Unless I do a summer break one. We'll see.  
BigTuna- I'm glad you loved that line! I did too. And I didn't pick up on how many times she mentioned Roy, so wow! I'm really glad you noticed that! How amazing are you!?? And yeah. I think I'm taking your advice on the two-parter... maybe. We'll see. I'm glad you like it, and I hope you love this one!  
Katy- Yeah, I think a lot of girls don't know the difference between be and get... And I think for Pam getting married is like the finish line and she just has to get there and then she's okay. It's not really what she WANTS.  
Madi- Great thoughts! Thanks!!! I hadn't realized I did that, but I'm glad you enjoy it. I was concious of what you said when writing this chapter. :)

Credit to Alison for sentence of the day. :)

And be forewarned, there's some language in this one.

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May 20, 2006

Jim's in love with me. What the hell? What does that even mean? God. Three nines… and then an 'I'm in love with you'? I just…

Fuck.

So, maybe he just meant it like, 'hey, beesly, I love you like a kid sister.' I mean, that's possible, right? He just threw in an extra word or something… I mean, I love him. I love him like a friend or a brother or whatever… And it's totally possible he loves me that way. I mean, he's rational… Nobody would tell someone that's engaged that they're in love with them right before the wedding and really mean it. Especially not me. I mean, honestly. Maybe it was just a joke… It definitely wasn't a serious 'I'm in love with you'. Nope, no way.

I mean, people say I love you all the time. It doesn't even mean anything anymore. Roy and I say it without thinking. It's nothing. It's like hi or hello or jinx or something. Just an expression…

I mean, nobody's ever said it to me the way Jim did, but still, that doesn't mean anything. Nobody's ever said 'aloha' to me either.

I just… There's no way he meant it the way it came out. I think he was just upset that I didn't say it back. That's the only reason it was such an awkward and heavy moment… Right?

I don't know… Then there was that flipping kiss… I just… Do people kiss their sisters like that? I mean… I never kissed Katie like that… I'm pretty sure Roy never kissed Kenny or Emily like that… But maybe Jim's family is different? But… I kissed him back…

Wait, no… That's not what I did. I just touched the back of his head… And my lips were stuck between his. That's all. There was no kissing back. Sisters don't kiss brothers. No… No… No…

Fuck.

I kissed him back.

Fuck.

He meant it. He meant "I'm in love with you."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

And I just stood there… Like a bumbling idiot. I just stared at him while he told me he was in love with me. My best friend. In love with me… Just stood there. Let him embarrass the hell out of himself… He was standing there, crying in front of me, and… God damn it! Why did he have to do this? Why now? Why me? This isn't how it's supposed to be. There are supposed to be flowers, and wedding dresses, and tuxes, and Scrantonicity, and a church, and a minister, and a million other things like 5 of the same toasters and I can't do this! I can't! I'm getting married. I can't have him doing this to me! I can't! I can't! I can't!

No. He is my best friend. He is that guy who should be sitting there supporting me… He's the one I play pranks with. He's not the guy standing at the altar… That's Roy… he's not the one I'm marrying… He's not the one that's in love with me. He's not. He's not. He's not.

I… Jim and I, we'll be alright. We're okay. He'll be fine. It's just a little crush isn't it?

Place settings… Fancy china… I do… I don't?

Well, this doesn't have to change anything… It doesn't. We can still be friends. He can be in love with me; I can be married to Roy and life can go on, just as it was… Except he's not sure he wants that. He wants to be "more than that." How can we be more than that? I'm getting married in two weeks… I just… I can't do that!

And I'm not in love with Jim. I'm in love with Roy. In fact, I can prove it! Just look at my journal. It's completely chock full of me lovin' up on Roy and Jim and I just being friends.

Okay… maybe it's not.

I don't even know what to say… I had no idea I felt… like that? I just… Wow. If anyone read what I said about Roy… Oh god, they'd think… The things I said about Jim… Oh god, did I really write down my sex dream? And… Oh god…

What am I doing? I can't be thinking about this. I'm not that girl. I have NOT wasted the last ten years of my life on this. No, I refuse to say I have. I am not the girl that spends three years engaged to a man and backs out at the last minute. My parents have paid money, people are flying in from all over the country to come to the wedding, I gave a save the date to Angela… Roy's brother and sister love me… Roy's mom wants me to have her grandchildren.. Roy wants to marry me. The honeymoon tickets are nonrefundable… No, I can't back out now. Do you have any idea how many people I will have let down?

I refuse to let people down… I just… God, I just want to get married and be fucking done with all of this! Confusion! What the hell is it here for? We all know I'm not going to leave Roy. We all know I'm going to get married and this will just be another one of those things I do. And Jim will just be pissed at me and claim I'm not "following my dreams" like he does every fucking minute of every fucking day and I'm so sick of it. I am so sick of it.

I'm sick of being told what I can and can't do. I'm sick of all of these barriers around me. I'm sick of having to watch what I say and what I do. Why can't I just live freely?

Obviously, Roy's an asshole. But I love him. You can't help who you love. You just can't. And when somebody you love asks you to marry him, you say yes. You just DO. That's what you're supposed to do.

And when you're engaged and another man tells you he's in love with you, you say no. You just DO. That's what you're supposed to do.

But… What if you love that man back? What if you read all of these entries that you wrote in your journal and meant to just be ranting or venting or just your thoughts out on paper because paper's the only one that will listen… What if you read all of these thoughts and you realize just how much you aren't in love with your fiancé? What if you realize you don't want to marry him?

And what if you realize that the look you saw in your best friend's eyes… That hidden something he couldn't tell you… What if you realized what it was? What if you realized that it was him trying to tell you he's in love with you?

You. Me. I'm not this girl. I'm not the girl people fall in love with. That's not me. I'm just Pam… I'm NOT that girl. Nobody loves me… I'm just average, plain and simple Jane… What if… What if it's some kind of joke?

Wait. No, it's not. Even if what he said is… And I don't think it is… He wouldn't do that to me… even if what he said is a joke, what I said isn't….

Roy… Me and Roy… What is that? What are we doing? Why are we throwing our lives away on this? I just… No. This isn't where my life is supposed to be going… I thought it was, but it isn't.

And it's not because of my feelings for Jim. It's not because I want to jump his bones or because I'm desperately in love with him… It's because I don't have any of that with Roy… I just… I can't stand him. I don't want to be with him.

Why is it so hard for me to admit this?

Why have I become that girl? The disappointment. The one that got cold feet just six days before her wedding and walked away from a ten year relationship.

What I said to Jim… About I can't… I'm going to marry Roy… What was that? What was I thinking? I'm not going to marry Roy. I can't. Not after Jim blind-sighted me with that… I just… I don't even know what I'm going to do. I don't even know what to feel anymore.

Fuck.

Word of the Day:

**Fuck (**_**fuhk)-** An exclaimation of disbelief, unhappiness, sheer displeasure, fright._

Sentence: I can't marry Roy, because I'm in love with my best friend Jim. FUCK!

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Please review/PM and tell me what you think. I'm really anxious to find out :) 


	23. Gay Witch Hunt

Sorry this took so long. I took a bit of a hiatus from this story, but I'm back, and hopefully i'll be wanting to write it more often. I'm not a big S3 fan outside of Pam's miraculous journey... So... take that for what you may.

Reviews:

Agandkaty- Hah. Shush.  
MadiWillow- Thanks so much! I wasn't sure how to play off that episode, so I'm glad you enjoyed it!  
Kerber- Thanks so much! Here it is!  
Katy- Thanks so much! And yeah, our Pammy is full of emotions. poor thing.  
KJ- Thanks so much!  
Chris- Here's the next one!  
Anon- Thanks! I tried my hardest to understand it. And I love that line too. Chills.  
Mrs. Big Tuna- Oh thanks so much! I was really worried about what you would think, so I'm glad you loved it!!! I hope you love this chapter just as much.  
Deleon- Thanks!  
Alison- Thank you! And thanks so much for your help. And yeah, Pam is just so conflicted and confused... What a dark tormented soul. Kinda.  
Dancer- Thanks!  
Literati- Thanks!  
Checkero- Here it is :) And yes  
Yabberli- Aww, well here's more for you! So nice to have you as a reviewer/reader!  
Glinda- I know, me too.  
Amelia- Thanks so much! I try to write them as best I can as Pam, so what you see is how I really feel she'd be feeling... And here you go. Here's this next chapter. :)

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September 07, 2006

Well, today I painted my new apartment. I moved out a few days before The-Day-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named and am just now getting ready to paint. It shouldn't take that long… I mean, my apartment isn't exactly on Park Avenue or anything. It's really dinky. One bedroom, a kitchen, a closet… Not exactly a home, but what do you expect when you're a frumpy old heartbreaker?

I think I'm going to paint the walls black. Just black. You know, the color of mourning? Or maybe blue? The color of tears? I would do it. I really want to do it. But I'm afraid somebody might see it and send me to some sort of depression clinic or something like that… Not that anybody will come, but Mom has been stopping by unannounced like it's her job lately, and the last thing I need on top of all of the already depressing interrogations is questions about why my room is black and the curtains are always drawn.

Why does everybody care so much? Hell, it's not like anyone _died_ or anything. Just shut the fuck up. I hate my life. It's like nobody knows what to say around me, so they either don't say anything, or they "check up" on me. I'm fine! Fine, damn it! Just leave me alone!!!! I am fully capable of being an adult. I'm not a child. It's not like I'm some pathetic little kitten left out in the cold. I'm Pam. A fully grown, functional adult.

With an absolutely shattered heart.

How did I manage to fuck up this badly? When did my life take this turn? It was so beautiful and rosy and god, I knew what I was going to do… and now…. I… Now I'm laying in bed, cold and miserable because what I'm used to isn't next to me and what I want is 1000 miles away in _Stamford_. What the hell is in Stamford anyway? What's so appetizing about Stamford? Stamford. Stamford. Stamford. Gag me.

Okay, Pam, let's be rational. We forgave Jim. We said we were going to forgive Jim. We're moving on. We're over it. We're friends; it's fine.

Fuck him. How dare he? God, what an asshole! What kind of man does that? Who the hell says they're in love with you and then just leaves? What kind of a person does that? God, Jim. Asshole. How DARE you demand that I just up and throw my life away? How dare you not tell me that you were leaving if I didn't go with you? How dare you! That's not the way life works, you little fucker. You can't just ditch people like that. Especially people you care about, and who care about you! What the hell makes you think that I would ever want you to leave me? God, damn it, Jim. I need you. Can't you see that? I can't doesn't mean I don't want to, and it doesn't mean I don't want you… It just means I can't. I can't. What the hell is so hard for you to see about that? It's no reason to pack up your bags and leave me here crying, trying to figure out what went wrong. Don't you think I'm fucking depressed enough? I do not need you leaving me.

What kind of man are you if you can just leave? God damn it! You're my best friend, and you don't even know me well enough to know that ultimatums don't work for me. God, I kissed you back, retard. Does that mean nothing to you? What do you think I am? Just some harlot who only wants sex, sex, sex. You think I was just responding out of my ferocious animal tendencies? God, fuck you. I kissed you back for a reason, retard. Obviously there's something there. Obviously I'm just scared. Obviously I want you too. Why can't you look past what you see? You used to be the only one that cared enough about me to break down those walls I put up, and now you're not even willing to approach them. You've shut yourself off from me, and I'm just sitting here, crying, knowing that those walls will never be broken down. Why the hell can't you just _try_? Why the hell do you have to run away? Why are you _ALWAYS_ running away? God, sometimes, people need you. Sometimes you have to take off those damn running shoes and stay because you care about people, instead of running away because it's easiest for you. If you're really in love with me, you'd know that, asshole.

It's just… I don't have anywhere to turn anymore. Roy is gone, and that's good, that's fine… I don't want him here. I'm fine eating chicken or fish every day for the rest of my life as my payback for breaking his heart. I'm fine. I don't miss the smell of alcohol or the cigarette smoke or the rough sex or any of it. I don't miss him… But I miss what he was… The idea of him. The idea that somebody, somewhere, might want me. I miss that. I miss knowing there's someone in the world that has to care about me… I never realized I needed that, until you left.

And now I'm stuck here, all alone. I've got my mom, but I don't want to talk to her about this stuff. I've got my blankets, and my shower… But all I can think to do is cry… I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't remember how to be happy. Sometimes, it's like all I can see is the dark at the end of the tunnel. Where the hell are you? Now, when I need you most, you're gone.

I just… I miss my best friend. I miss having you to talk to and laugh with. My life isn't the same without you… I always thought you would be that one person that would never leave me… Whenever something really horrible happened in my life, I thought you'd be the person I would turn to for comfort. And now that you're gone, well, I just don't know where exactly to turn. It all feels too painful. Like a knife in my heart, just turning, turning, turning.

So, I try not to think of it. I've busied myself with buying things for my apartment, going to art classes (you'd be proud of me. I finally signed up), going for runs in the morning for work, trying to beat Sudoku… I've even been going to church lately. And it's all helped. It's all made me feel a little bit more alive while I'm out doing it. It's been a good distraction. It's all kept my mind off of you, and the mess I've made with you…

…but when I'm sitting here, alone, in the dark, thinking… I realize just how damn empty I am inside without you. And the only thing I know how to do to fix that is to try and forgive you… and I'm not sure what forgiveness looks like… but I'm trying. And maybe, when I'm done forgiving you, I'll start trying to forgive myself.

Word of the Day:

**Gay- **_1) When a man likes a man... or a woman likes a woman... 2) my life._

Sentence: Why can't he just be gay like Oscar?

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Review! 


	24. The Convention

Well... I'm so sorry about the delay, guys... Here's my problem, and it's one Jenna has described herself countless times, so that makes me feel better. Writing affects me and the way I see the world and how I feel at the end of the day. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does. It's hard for me to write angst when I'm going through great things. So, you can thank my Dad for being a jerk for this chapter. Because it got me in the mood to write some angst. :) So, yeah.

And for those of you who don't know, I just adore Jenna Fischer. She updated her blog yesterday, and the woman makes me laugh out loud. PS. Her boobs are real.

And, I want to see how many of you actually read my A/N's... So if you do, tell me your favorite color.

And your reviews:

Madi- Thanks! I fixed that! Duh me. Yeah, I think it's something none of us really think about, Pam being mad at Jim... Or upset or angry. We tend to think "oh pam you're so stupid," but the truth is, he did desert her and leave her, and she has a right to be angry about it. She turned her world upside down for him, and he left her that way. And thanks!  
Deleon- I'm going to do all of them up until the job. The Job is where I'll stop... Maybe I'll start a new story as a sequel, but yeah, that's my plan.  
Allison- Our girl Jenna is so fun! She's commenting on the comments on her myspace. Anyway... Yeah, that was a fun line to write. And yeah, I was really not sure if I wanted to have her talking directly to Jim, but that's how it flowed out of my fingers, so I went with it. I'm glad it was recieved well. And no, she probably woudn't have, which is why it's in her diary. And yeah, I 'fuck' around a lot with her, but its her mind... and i am her, so my mind is pretty.. yeah, nevermind. you've been there.  
Literati- Wow! Thanks! I was trying to top Casino Night or at least have some of the same umph. Glad you loved it!  
Kerber- Thanks, I want to give her one too. I think they left this part of her up to the readers to digest. luckily, i have a lot of free time on my hands. Hah, not.  
BigTuna- Thanks so much! You're one of the readers I really aim to "get", if that makes sense, so I'm glad this chapter did that for you. And Walk Hard was fantastic, seriously!  
Dancer- That was dark? Hmm. Yeah! And yeah, she'll brighten up a bit.  
Katy- Aww thanks! I really struggled with her talking to him, but then it's like... that's who she's always talking to... Why would she talk to anyone else? that's who she NEEDS to talk to.  
Amazed- I'm so glad you love it! Thanks! I am Pam. Seriously. Like, I'm Jenna Fischer and I just updated my new blog and yeah. IF only i had that lousy boyfriend! But I could just date David Spade, I guess... And yeah, but they never come out specifically and say it was Michael that left the joint on the ground--how i understood it, he smoked it at a party... not at work. Hmm, about Roy... I'm not so sure. I agree he's not that bad, but in Pam's mind, when she's miserable and she's trying to hang on to every good thing, I can see how her vision is a bit clouded, if that makes sense.  
Glinda- Yeah, I know.  
Maddi- Thanks so much, darlin!  
Nat- Thanks!! I'm really glad you're reading my stories! You put a smile to my face!

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September 15, 2006

Well, just another day at the office. Alone. It's weird… The office is so empty when Michael and Dwight aren't there… I'm not saying that I want them at the office (okay, maybe I do… just a little bit), but seriously, all of the commotion and good times just go straight out the window. I mean, there's still Kelly… but nobody can liven up the day like Dwight and Michael can…. Maybe Stanley…

But really, things haven't been that exciting since we lost Jim. Nobody's suspending things in jello anymore… I mean, who would… Though it would be interesting… Who would Dwight expect then? No, I can't do that to Dwight… We have an understanding. I will never be shunned as long as he doesn't do anything grossly inappropriate.

So, anyway, everyone was gone today. Dwight and Michael is who I mean by everyone. To some little convention… All of the Regional Managers and Assistants and such… So Jim and Josh were there, which Michael was really crazy about…

Speaking of which…. Awkward moment on the phone today. So, I'm at DM (I should have went home… who's going to stop me? I'm too chicken for that) and I have to call Michael about something, which isn't even really the point. Anyway, I have _GREAT_ timing. I have such _great_ timing that I call while he's standing there talking to Jim! Jim! Ugh, why is my life so messed up? So, I'm talking to Michael and he makes everyone say hi and I hear all of these male voices and then a beat later, "Hey Pam." And it's Jim. Like, he waited so I heard it. And he sounded miserable. And yeah, that's what I need. You to make me feel even WORSE about what happened.

And then the really awkward thing… Michael tells me to have fun on my date! In front of Jim. And now I don't know what to do… because I'm sure it broke Jim's heart (or maybe I'm giving myself too much credit. Yeah, I am… It _hurt_ Jim) And now part of me wants to call him and say, "Jim! It's not what you think!" but yeah, like that would go over well. And what am I going to do? I can just picture the conversation now. I'd catch him in the middle of a Sixers game, and I'd be telling him it's not what he thought and he'd be like, "uh huh, pam, uh huh, oh oh go for it, YES!" talking to the TV and I'd lose all my nerve. Or I'd start crying hysterically about how bad I messed up, and I do not want to be vulnerable in front of him. If there's one thing I've learned it's that you have to choose who you can be vulnerable around. Because when you let your walls down and someone stabs you in the heart, it fucking hurts.

So, after I stabbed Jim by telling him I wouldn't break up my perfect little future (ugh) for him, he hears I broke off my wedding and that I'm going on a random blind date with Kelly's cartoonist neighbor… Who, by the way, was not nearly as attractive as _Stanley_ and has nothing to say about anything remotely interesting. Oh, and his cartoons SUCK. No, like, they seriously suck. It's like the rules for jokes. If you have to explain, it's not very good. God, get a real job.

So, my first experience dating after Roy did not end in wedding bells (yeah, like any experience would) or love connections or even a kiss. Which is perfectly fine for me. I'm really picky about who I kiss. I have the running total of 2…. Yay, Pam! But yeah, I think I'm going to stick away from the blind dating thing… You know… Just because I don't want to… and because I'm kind of emotionally not… available. Isn't that what they call it when you're into someone but dating someone else? I think so. At least that's what all of my girlfriends always told the creepy guys in high school. Ugh.

So, I've been up to a bunch of random stuff. You know, cleaning and decorating and being my own person… I do have to say, it's kind of nice to be able to get up in the middle of the night, blast music and eat grilled cheese sandwiches (it's all about the muenster cheese… and the grilled cheese sandwich maker). I mean, yeah, sometimes the bed is cold, but I would say it's a fair trade off for my grilled cheese sandwich.

You know what's not fair? Seriously, this is what I'm dealing with right now… You live your whole life thinking that one day you're going to meet and fall in love with the man of your dreams. You think you found that man, and you hold on to him and he proposes and you envision him walking you down the aisle and your children and your wedding dress…. And then you meet the real man of your dreams, and the other man of your dreams starts to look a little bit more like fertilizer and less like daisies (the happiest flower), and all of a sudden, you want the new man of your dreams… And then the new man of your dreams actually confesses his love to you, and you're scared because you know it means you have to make a choice…. And you do make the choice, and after you make it, you find out the new man of your dreams abandoned you. And so you're left with no man of your dreams, no prince, no white stallion… And I wonder, when the man of your dreams leaves you…. Do you get another chance? Do you get another man of your dreams?

Or was I read too many fairy tales growing up? Did I watch too many Disney movies? Is it so bad to hope and pray that I am Princess Pamela? I know all of their names were more creative and they were a lot prettier than I am, but I wouldn't mind running with the colors of the wind or eating a poisonous apple or getting kidnapped by a peasant if it meant I could find and love the man of my dreams… I mean, what the hell? Are the only princesses in the world made up or descended from royal blood? Are there no princes? Whatever happened to that idea… Is there a one? I don't know, anymore. If there ever was, I know who my 'one' was. And now I've let him go and he's gone and.. Wow, I let him go. I let the man of my dreams go… I'm pretty sure that's something that's in a movie or a book or something as a guide of what you're NOT supposed to do… Isn't it?

_The Princess Bride_ is so full of shit. Death can't stop true love, it can only delay it for a little while. What the hell? God, there are so many things that can stop "true love", whatever that is, and death obviously is one of them… and so is moving to god forsaken Stamford. Jim! Stamford! Stamford! What the hell is in Stamford? All I want, is for Jim to ride up the streets of Scranton, dressed as a prince in his button down collared shirt and his brown messenger bag and blue jacket, the little tufts of hair sticking out… on a white stallion, and pick me up off the street and put me on his horse and ride with me off into the sunset. I mean, like that would ever happen… a) Jim doesn't own a white stallion, and I'm not sure how easy they are to rent and b) why would he EVER pick me?

Maybe that's what I don't understand. Maybe that's why it's so easy for me to say 'I can't'. I still don't understand why he would EVER pick me. Roy, I get that, kind of… I mean, Roy was going to marry up (oh my god, I'm horrible!), but Jim… God… Why would he ever want me? Why would he fall in love with me? Why me? Maybe that's what I need to start understanding. I just don't know how to do it. All I see when I look at myself is frumpy old heartbreaker with ratty hair (I guess I could straighten it), and un-adorable clothes (I guess I could get new ones), and I don't know… Maybe I could start seeing myself as attractive… but even then, other than my boobs and my ravishingly good looks, what do I have to offer him? I'm a broken, resentful, torn up, heartbreaking girl who just can't figure out how to make anything work. I have no idea how to make anything work right….

But, I think what hurts the worse is that Jim loved me. Completely. Despite everything he saw and everything I told him (and I told him a lot of stuff I shouldn't have… Having a boyfriend frees you up to talk to other boys about that kinda stuff), he still loved me. He took it all and said 'okay, I still love her'. Is that falling, or is that a choice? I don't know. Is it worse to fall in love and be broken, or is it worse to decide to love and be broken? And what kind of man can love someone else throughout everything else…

Oh my god… What have I let go?

Word of the Day:

No, I change my mind… Today we're doing quote of the day.

So, Quote of the Day:

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true." – Meredith Grey

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And that's that. I have no idea when I'll write the next chapter, but I will eventually. I'm like Jumanji, I'm not gonna leave you hanging. 


	25. The Coup

I actually really like this chapter, so I hope you all do too. It was fun to write, and I'm looking forward to the next few episodes now more than I ever was before. I see a lot of opportunity there, and I'm excited to write them.

For my Alpha readers, hang in there. S is halfway written, so it should be up soon. :)

And by the way, my favorite color is green. :) They say geniuses pick green.

Reviews:  
Small Tuna- Hah, I am rather sneaky. I'm normally not ever "working" on a new chapter of this story--inspiration just hits me and so I write, and so I post... Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it! And thanks for saying that about Pam being mad at Jim... I think so many times we get so mad at Pam that we gloss over her reasons behind what she did, and we gloss over why she didn't just run to Jim, and we tend to overlook the mistakes he made. Which isn't fair to lovely, lovely Pam.  
Kerber- Thanks so much! Midnight blue is a great color!  
Dancer- Thanks so much!!! And yes, she has all of these doubts, but at the same time, she's growing SO much. This season is hard because there are almost two different Pam's. Pre-Jim comes back Pam and post-Jim comes back Pam.  
MrsBigT- I would never forget this fic! It just demands a specific mood from me that most of my other stories don't... But I imagine I'll write more of this more quickly. Now I get in the mood, but studying... blah. I've never seen IAWL, so I'm not sure I'd be good at reviewing your Michael story, but I'll see if I can get around to it. No promises though--I'm a super busy girl.  
Mrs. Brody- Okay, are you a gator fan? If so, I'm not your friend anymore. Haha, just kidding. Jenna's blog makes me squeal. She updated it again, by the way... Last night. David Spade gross. (Maybe she came a little closer to being Pam Anderson than she once thought ;) )  
Sumi- Wow! Great colors! And thanks!!! I love that quote too-- funny story, it wasn't the one I was looking for when I was writing this chapter, but it fit a lot better than the other one. I'll use the other one sometime later though, I think. :) Thanks for reviewing.  
HilaryHilary- Dude, pink rocks. I mean, Kelly loves it!  
Anon- Wow! Thanks! I'm glad you find me semi interesting? I don't know, lol. And amen sister. I am in love with Disney movies. I'm 18, and I've had one boyfriend. I didn't even kiss him, and sometimes, I feel so inexperienced, but other times I know that if I'd dated just 'anyone', I would be far less happy and much more screwed up. No settling for me. I'm learning what Pam's learning about being happy.  
Nat- Okay, first of all, great colors. Second of all, The Convention is my least favorite episode. Hah. Next to Valentines Day. Oh well. Third of all... I don't normally read celebrity blogs. I actually despise them. BUT, I will say that I LOVE Jenna's. It's just great. It's humorous and down to earth and just fantastic--and she responds to her readers. I've started reading Jennifer Eolin's Project Runway blog (recommended by Jenna, and for great reason) and Angela's (for more tidbits on the Jengela relationship). So, I highly recommend it. ESPECIALLY the david spade part.  
Maddi- Thanks so much!!! I hate S3 too, but it's actually a great season if you're in Pam's shoes. I'm not sure I'm going to do S4 now. I know I said I would, but I have other plans now... And I have ideas for another diary-like story that I want to start when I wrap this one up, so we'll see.  
Autumn's Child- Thanks so much for reviewing, and you left a great review! It's a hard line to walk, and I try and walk it as well as I can. As for your suggestion... I didn't start with S2 because it was more Jim/Pam... I started with S2 because honestly, I feel like Pam's character is completely different between the two. If you look at her character in the two seasons, it leaves me to wonder what happened to her in the summer between, and that's not something I really wanted to breech into in this story. So, unfortunately, I'm not going to go back and do s1, but I hope you'll enjoy this. I can give you some of my thoughts on basketball episode, if you'd like. but as for making it a part of this story, eh, I don't think so. Thanks for your idea, though!! I appreciate it!

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September 22, 2006

Happy Birthday, Diary!!! It's been exactly one year since I first scribbled on your pages. Don't you feel old? I feel like you should be walking or talking or coloring or something… Do one year olds color? How about a cake? Will that work? What kind do you want? I'm in the mood to celebrate your joyous entrance into the world. In my family, we have several birthday traditions.

The first is that we celebrate our year ahead with a great big synopsis of the big things that happened in the past year. So, since September 22, 2005, I've done the following things: a) won the Whitest Sneakers award at the Dundies… TWICE. b) Invented a new Olympic sport c) called off my wedding to Roy d) broke Jim's heart e) stayed in Scranton for yet another year.

We then make resolutions for our next year. Here are mine: a) I want to win another Dundie. Shut up! I know I make fun of them, but secretly, I do like them… Which is why they're hidden in an old box marked "Christmas" in my apartment b) Actually succeed in my Olympic sport (Flonkerton, or Box of Paper Snow-shoe racing) c) be okay with the fact that I'm single and alone and learn to be independent and stop relying on other people d) find a way to forgive myself for breaking Jim's heart e) find a way to forgive Jim for breaking my heart f) seriously consider leaving Scranton to pursue art.

I've just been doing a lot of thinking, lately. I really love being single because there's no one telling you that what you're thinking is stupid or wrong. You're just thinking for the sake of thinking. Nothing's cooler than that. So, anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately. About broken dreams and fairy tales and stuff… And I've realized that I've believed so many lies about myself… about this world. I've let people just convince me things are true that aren't, and the hardest thing is figuring out what is really truth and what isn't… and being alone, well, it helps.

I was naïve to think that wedding bells were going to solve all of my relationship problems. I was so wrong to think that somehow, putting that second ring on my finger was going to change me and make me happier than I was before. Marriage isn't a magic wand. It's not even anything, really. It's really just two people standing in front of a minister or someone and saying "yeah, okay" to the whole bit they say, and all of a sudden they pay taxes together and own property together and maybe have the same name. It's not anything… unless you make it something.

I was naïve and foolish to think that by simply signing a piece of paper my life was going to change. I thought somehow, having a husband and being a wife was going to turn me into a confident, happy woman. Like I would somehow be the person I've idealized and wanted myself to be for so long. China patterns and lace and blenders—all of these things somehow would make me the woman I long so much to be… You know, confident, happy, outgoing? I don't know, just happy… Or maybe content. Yeah, content, even when things are going down. I just want my life to be full.

But Roy can't do that for me. No man really can… Even Jim can't. It's all up to me. Pamela Marie Beesly. My mom used to have this saying. _The only person who can make you happy is yourself_. She would say it all the time. Whenever anyone let me down… Well, I believe her. She's completely, utterly right. I've spent all of this time thinking that marriage, Roy… anything else was going to make me happy, and it's not… Somehow, I have to make myself happy. I'm not really sure how to do that or what it means… I think it means that I have to start digging out the parts of who I am that are rotten and spoiled and blackened. All of those lies… I need to start looking in the mirror and seeing what's actually there, and not some sort of beer goggled version of myself. I need to start listening to myself. Really listening to myself.

I don't paint anymore. I don't read. I don't buy vegetables. Why not? I used to love to paint. I used to love soaking in the bathtub with a good chick-lit, and I used to love eating vegetables. Love them. And you know what? I do just as much stuff that I don't want to do. I have beer in my refrigerator. I don't even really like beer, and I hate it if it's not light. I go to the gym on Tuesdays because that's the day Roy went and I got in the habit. I want to go every day…

I bought ice cream yesterday. I don't know my favorite flavor, diary. Isn't that strange? I've just gotten whatever Roy got for so long that I never really got to pick it. When I was really little, it was always Strawberry. For the past ten years, I've just had gross coffee ice cream. Who eats coffee ice cream? I swear, it's disgusting. It's like Roy gave me brand new taste buds or something that were tuned to only what he likes. But now… Well, I've got a refrigerator stacked with Strawberry, Mint, Rocky Road, Chocolate, Vanilla, Neapolitan, Cookie Dough, and all sorts of other ice creams. And it cost me like forty bucks, but I have like ten flavors in there. And I'm going to get fat eating it all (but I'll be going to the gym more often), but you know what? I don't care because knowing your favorite ice cream flavor is important.

So, I'm getting back in tune with who I am. Trying to find the things that make me happy… Like painting and vegetables and reading and water… Getting rid of the old, bringing in the new. That's what my life is right now. And being okay with where I am… You know? What I have going on for me.

So I bought some new clothes. And I tried them on at work, and I looked really good. Okay? Old Pam might not have said that, but New Pam is actually looking in the mirror with just her regular good old eyesight, and she sees that she looked good. And you know what? Part of me is really flattered that Roy and Creed noticed me. At least somebody does now… And I realize this is incriminating evidence that might send me to the psych ward, but still…

So, anyway, lies I've believed about myself… Marriage will change me and make me happy… I'm destined for mediocrity… I'm going to get the fairy tale story…

Dream on, Pam. You can't get a fairy tale story. You're not a princess. And you're not the chambermaid. And that's okay. You're just Pam. You're just you. Real and okay and alive. And that's fine. You don't have to be a princess. Not everyone is. If they were, it wouldn't mean anything. And you don't have to find a prince to be happy. You can be happy by yourself, alone. Maybe you might be a little bit lonely, but that's not to say you can't be happy. And maybe, if one day you fall in love again, you'll find that guy that you're supposed to marry who will add to your happiness… but he'll never make you happy. That's your job, Pam. Your job is to make you happy. Everything else is just in addition to that.

And mediocrity, Pam? Is that what you're settling for? What happened to greatness? What happened to that little girl who wanted to be a world-famous ballerina when she was four and a great soccer player when she was nine? What happened to her? What happened to that girl in the seventh grade that refused to turn in the project she wasn't satisfied with, even though her teacher was going to give her an A? What happened to her? What happened to greatness, Pam? You want to know? I'll tell you. Fear. Fear's what happened to it. You're so damn afraid, Pam. Afraid you'll never get married. Afraid you'll never go to the ball. Afraid you'll never paint that masterpiece. Afraid you'll never _make it_. You're just plain afraid.

And why? So what if you lose? So what if you end up alone? Is it worse than wondering all your life if you would? Is it worse than being unhappy? At least when you try for something you get the exhilaration of attempt? How are you any worse off now, sitting in Scranton wondering if you'd make it out there in the big art world than you would be if you were out there trying to? Either way, you still haven't made it yet. The difference is, in one you're trying, Pam.

Because when you stop trying, you start letting fear win. And is that what you want for yourself, Pam? Is it? To let fear rule your life the same way it has the past decade? To let it ruin your life the way it has this year? Do you really want fear to be in charge of who you are and what you do?

Maybe happiness is about more than just smiles and ice cream and bubble baths and painting. Maybe it's about fear? Maybe it's about saying no to being afraid and yes to taking chances? About living life instead of sitting in the dark corners, scared of it. Maybe it's about more. About going out there and conquering your dreams, or at least trying to. Maybe that's what life is all about, Pam. Kicking fear's ass.

So, I guess that's the resolution that you've set for yourself this year, Pam. More than any of the others—it's time to kick fear's ass. To stand up on your own two feet and become that person you were years and years ago when you wanted to be a prima ballerina and the best soccer player in the world. To become that confident person, ready to stand up for herself for anything. To be able to look yourself in the mirror and know that you look good. To know that you feel good, and that you are good. To be able to say _watch out world, I'm here to kick your butt._ Maybe that's what you need to work on this year. Letting go of that fear and everything it entangles. Begin embracing life.

And when's better than the present? You have nothing tying you down. No relationships, nothing. It's just you. You're teaching yourself what you need to know. Because let's be honest for a minute, Pam… Nobody can teach you the real life lessons. You have to learn those yourself. And this is one you're going to learn yourself, completely. Completely alone. This is it, Pam. Stand up; dust yourself off, and start living.

Because as JFK would say, you have nothing to fear but fear itself.

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I hope you enjoyed it! Our little Pammy (dont call her Pammy!) is really growing here! Please review! 


	26. Grief Counseling

A/N: Guys, I'm on fire with this story. I already have the next chapter written, and I'm about to write a new one, so get on the reviews and I'll get on the updating :)

Reviews:

Letitbeme- I didn't forget the word of the day--Pam changed it to quote of the day in the chapter before. And thanks for the FDR comment... I thought it was JFK, but hey, maybe Pam did too. :) Good eye.  
Nat- hehe, I love the "kick fear's ass" thing. it makes me smile. And JF is sooooooo, sooooo funny. I just adore her. And strike news... They're back to work! officetally it if you need info. :)  
Dancer- Thanks!  
Alison- Aww, there's no way YOU are real. :)  
Mrs Big Tuna- Thanks so much! I hope she kicks some serious ass (fear's ass? other asses? I dont know!) she's just that kinda girl :)  
Autumn's Child- Yeah, I agree. I only hope my story can fit her storyline right... I feel she does a LOT of growing up, and I want to make sure she gets to do that in her diary too :) and thanks for the review (and the understanding). I LOVE replying to reviews because it makes me feel like I have more interaction with my readers :) So keep reviewing, I'll keep replying! And I want you all to know that I read your reviews and hear what you're sayin, ya know?  
Lovemesome- Yeah, definitely. I did not like S3 either, so it's harder for me to write, but being able to delve into the depths of Pam... well, I'm starting to like it more. :) I hope you will too, as you read this. :) And yeah, it's kind of from Runaway Bride, but not in the way that I like, sat down and said "oh, eggs.. hmm, no, but ice cream". i mean, i was reminded of it, too.  
Anon- Thanks! I hope it continues, too. And good, I'm glad I'm not the only one. I actually turned down a kiss (Wow, so like Pam I am!) from my bf at the time, and now I'm glad I did. :)  
Kerber- Thanks so much! On to more transforming!  
Katy- Wow, thanks! High praise :) Its making me like S3 a whole lot more... Mmhmm. Hopefully it'll continue to do so.. And please, please, kill taxes. Haha.

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September 30, 2006

I gave a eulogy for a bird today. I named the bird Jim. Only because it reminded me of him… I know, that sounds weird, but really… I don't know, I guess it's not that weird. Okay, it's weird. I gave a dead bird a eulogy, named the bird after my ex-best friend, and I still have no idea why.

You never know what your day at Dunder Mifflin is going to be like… I mean, really. I did not wake up this morning expecting to be giving the eulogy at a bird funeral. I mean, I don't think anybody really does expect to wake up and give a eulogy about a bird, but hey, we do what the situation requires of us… The thing is, the bird kind of… Well, this is silly, but it reminds me of _us_.

I don't remember what I said about the bird… It was mostly to appease Michael, until I realized I wasn't really talking about the bird. I was talking about him. me. us. I was just talking and talking, about how the bird wasn't alone, even if it was by himself… How there were lots of people that cared about the bird. How the bird wouldn't be forgotten… I don't know.

I guess my basic thought is… well, what the hell? I feel kinda jipped. He was my best friend before he went to Stamford, and you know what, just because he left doesn't mean he isn't still. He's still my best friend, if for no other reason than that I have a huge problem letting go of people. I tend to stick to what I know, and yeah, sometimes a little fight is good, but a lot of the time, it's really not. Not when you're fighting for something that's not worth fighting for.

And I guess Bird Jim… Well, he might be worth fighting for, but no matter how hard I fight for it, I'll never get it. I'm alone. Point blank, that's the way it is. And yeah, I know I'm not really alone. I kid myself, telling myself that if I called and really _needed_ Jim he wouldn't come. I know Jim. I know he would. Anyone that can validate Michael's feelings and share a desk with Dwight would come running to help… It's just the way he is. Kind-hearted. And even if his kind heart is broken, I don't think it's the kind that's broken. Just the heart.

So, I don't know. Even though I sit alone in an empty apartment with one gallon of ice cream in my freezer (my favorite kind is pistachio, in case you were wondering, Diary), I know I'm not alone. Because somewhere, way out there in some other time zone, is another bird who cares about me. Even if he left me. Even if I broke his heart and he broke mine. He cares about me. I know he cares about me. And you know what? If I never see Jim again, hey, that's alright. We're still friends. We'll always be friends. Because we were _best_ friends. And I'm never, ever going to forget that. And I'm never, ever going to forget him.

I learned something today. It sounds silly to say I learned something from a bird funeral, but I did. Life's too short. I know that's clichéd and outdated. Like, duh, death teaches _everyone_ that, Pam… but really… it is. It's too short to let go of things. That doesn't make sense. I've spent the last three pages telling you I need to let go, but really, it's a fine line. There's a fine line between letting go and remembering. And it's called redemption.

It's such a crazy word. Redemption. The kind you hear from people like Angela. But I think redemption… being redeemed… it's more than just what it sounds like. You know? I mean, when I hear that word, I think of someone righting wrongs. And not necessarily in a good way. But isn't it possible that wrongs are just wrongs and that's the way it is? Not everything can be righted. Maybe redemption is more than righting wrongs. Maybe it's not even righting wrongs. I think it's more about being able to remember your wrongs without sadness and regret. Being able to look at them and say, "okay, it happened, what now?" You know? And I think that's more what death teaches us… Death is more than just the end to a life. I mean, has death ever _just_ been about flying into a glass window? I would hope not… I mean, if death was _just_ about flying into a glass window we wouldn't be having a funeral. Dwight wouldn't be playing his recorder; I wouldn't be singing, and we would all just continue to walk along in our shallow existence of a life…

I guess what I'm trying to say is death is about redemption. Maybe this is the churched part of me coming out, which is funny because I wouldn't really consider myself a church-going saint or anything… but there's something redeeming about death. Something freeing about it. I mean, yeah, it's the end of life… but through death you become free of it all. Free of the burdens and the struggles and the pains… And I don't know. There's something achingly desirable about it… Being free from the crap… And I don't mean that in the way it sounds. I'm not planning my death, and I'm not depressed… I'm just saying. Redemption… Don't we all want that? Don't we all want to be redeemed? To be able to be free of what's happened in our pasts?

I shouldn't write or preach a sermon on this topic. I'm a hypocrite just writing all this out. There's no way I'm over what happened in May… or what's happened the past ten years. I'm not redeemed yet. I'm not free of all of the burdens of it… but maybe I need to learn to start. You know? Everyone always talks about how healing happens when you can forget what happened. You hear it all the time as a little kid. "Forgive and _Forget_." Why? Why forget it? What's so damn great about forgiveness if you just forget what happened? I mean, I understand the beauty of it… but isn't that something only God can do? Forgive and forget?

And honestly, who wants to forget?

I have all of these memories… regrets… fears… And they're all weighing on my heart and changing who I am. And sometimes, the weight of them all is more than I can bear. But you know what? I don't want to be rid of them. I want to be rid of the feeling that comes with them, but if I got rid of the bad memories… well, what gives me the right? You know? Life is full of ups and downs. If we all got rid of the bad, we'd never realize how good the good is. That sounds cliché too, and I know that, but I don't care. It's just… if you never take the gross, bitter, darker than dark chocolate, how can you truly enjoy how wonderful milk chocolate is when it's sweet? Okay, bad example… Everyone loves chocolate… but there's one out there. I know there is.

I guess it's like relationships. If you don't go through the bad ones, how can you realize how damn blessed you are with the good ones? You know? I mean… and I don't mean this to sound mean or weird, but I wouldn't have realized how bad Roy and I's relationship was unless I'd met Jim… Not that Jim was the reason Roy and I failed. I'm not saying that at all… I'm just saying that good in comparison to bad only looks better.

I just… I wonder, does he have regrets like I do? I'm sure he did… but then the real question is… is he looking for that redemption? I don't know… I wonder, sometimes… I'm over here changing and healing and learning how to be me, learning how to really forgive him and move on and love where I am… and I hope he can say the same. I really do. I feel like I've been given some sort of second chance here, and I don't want to blow it… And I don't know… I guess the more I live this whole coming back from where I've been thing, the more I realize that there are always second chances… sometimes they just take a different form than the way we see them.

I'm not explaining myself right... I'm not naïve enough to think I'm going to get another shot with Jim. And that's okay. I love Jim. I will always love Jim. But I don't want him to be what completes me…You know? I just think that for some reason, this life is filled with second chances and third chances and just all sorts of chances. And I'm okay with that. I'm thankful for that.

I'm talking myself in circles here. But basically, it all boils down to, bird Jim died. And it's sad. And it sucks. But it's good. He might have had a lot of things wrong in his life, and now he's free. And that's okay. He has a chance for a better life, if you believe in that. I think I do. And I guess it just reminds me of Jim and I… We will never have what we did before. It's just the way it is. And yeah, that hurts. And yeah, that sucks. But it's okay. Memories are there, both bad and good. And someday, I'll be able to remember without feeling this pain. I'll be redeemed, and it will be good… But I will never, ever have what we had. And that's fine. Maybe we'll have something better. Maybe we won't have anything at all. But whatever comes next for me, I think it'll be good. Life is good, I think. It's just a general thought I have. No matter what happens, life is good.

Life is good, but that doesn't mean it's not a battle, you know? I'm not expecting this to be easy. Hell, I don't know if it's possible. But I hope it is. I hope there's a way to remember without being sad or angry or upset. I really do. I don't think time heals all. I think that's bologna, and we all know bologna is fake and gross. Time isn't what heals us. We have to let ourselves be healed… And it's a process. And it's gonna hurt. And it's gonna sting, but in the end… In the end, it'll be worth it.

I've just got to let go… and hold on… All at the same time.

"_The question is… how does a girl who jumps into a rabbit hole plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? The answer? She doesn't." –Little Black Book_

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_Let me know what you think... I'm a little apprehensive about this one. So, yeah... 9 reviews and I'll put up my next chapter (and I mean meaningful reviews ;) 


	27. The Initiation

Well, here we go with L'initiation. I hope you all like it and think it does justice to the episode. I love this episode, particularly because of the ending.

Reviews:

Sally- Great thoughts, thanks!! And yeah, I've always thought the bird eulogy meant more than just a bird thing. :)  
Nat- Dwight's recorder. Ahh. Love it. And as far as the episodes, well, Greg Daniels said they're using Dinner Party but they have to scrap Christmas Episode and stuff, so we'll see :)  
Goat- Thanks. I understand what you mean about Jim and hearing his thoughts, but like you said, there's no way around it. And the story's about Pam, not Jim, and not Jim and Pam.. And she doesn't know whats going on with him, so. There's that.  
Kerber- I agree. She is pretty amazing.  
Jam- Yeah, its not my favorite either because it is so different, but Pam is getting more comfortable with her diary and really, it's the only person she has to talk to, yanno?  
Mrs. Big- Thanks! I always thought there was more to the bird thing than was let on, so I dug deep and tried to figure out what it was, and Im glad you enjoyed it!!  
Leah- Wow. You put into a sentence exactly what I was trying to make her realize. hah. thanks!  
Anon- it is pretty amazing, isn't it? I love that quote. So Pammy.  
Alison- Thanks :)

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October 3, 2006

I'm the type of girl that has a three hour conversation with a boy (or a fifteen minute one), walks away at the end, and replays it all over in her mind, trying to figure out what I said wrong, or what I said right, or worse yet, what he meant when he said _that_. I've always been that way. I hope for the best… I cling on to any quiver of excellence in his voice, and then, when it comes time for the truth to be said, I end up hurting.

I'm sure this is a lot of girls. I'm sure I'm not alone in this… I wouldn't really know. I've never had that many close girl friends, and that's okay, I guess. I'm not really the friend type. I mean, I value friendships, I just want them to be deep and personal… Not superficial. And I think that's what a lot of friendships are.

I don't think anybody really wants to wait… Nobody wants to not know what's going on. We all like to know. But why do we analyze conversations and look at them from every possible angle? What does that do? I mean, yeah, we do it. That's a given. And yeah, it's fun to think about the inflection in his voice, or how he said, "hey you", or stuff like that. But why is that important? I don't know. Is it a waste? I have no idea. Maybe I'm just grasping at straws here, but it's like, _God, if he wanted to say that, he would._

This, obviously, comes from a three-hour conversation I had with Jim today. The real Jim, not bird Jim. When I heard him on the other end... Diary, I had no idea what to do. The way he made me feel… it was like he was never gone. He was never gone, but I suddenly was so aware of his presence. Of what he does to me… And there's nothing to hide behind.

I've used Roy as an excuse for so many years… And I feel like I'm bashing him in here, which isn't what I mean to do… The truth is, diary, you just came along years after we should have ended it. I don't regret being with Roy. He really, honestly is a good man. I know he loves me. I know he wanted me. I know he was just one of those boys… but there was something magical about him when we started dating junior year. And yeah, it was the whole _I wanna be Molly Ringwald_ thing, but really… it was more than that. I might try and convince you I wasn't in love with him, but I was. He taught me so much, showed me so much… I wouldn't be the person I am today without him. And the first few years, God, the first few years were really _good_.

And then somehow, out of nowhere, they stopped being good. They started being okay. He didn't do anything wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. That's just how it was. The sizzle faded, and we were left with a relationship that was just there. Which is fine. And it's supposed to happen… but nobody realizes that. And after four years of non-sizzle, it finally burned out.

I guess what I'm trying to say here, is that I'm the girl who can't let go of the past. I'm trying to. I promise, diary, I really, really am trying to. You should see all of the ways I'm trying to. But the thing is, I couldn't. 22 year old me couldn't believe that the "perfect couple" was changing… And I'm not saying that change is a bad thing, or that I don't know anything about it… I'm just saying sometimes we don't like change because we'd rather latch on to what we know… when really, we should be excited to see what's coming up. It might be something better.

I guess it's just something I'm really struggling with. Letting go of past expectations… And honestly, I think the conversation with Jim really helped. We laughed and enjoyed each other, and it was like he was right back in the office, sitting ten feet away from me. But it was different, too. There's healing that's got to be done, and it no doubt affected our conversation. And that's fine. And it should. But yeah, it showed me that sometimes things have to change. Sometimes they're for the better… Though right now, I'm not exactly sure if that one will….

I guess, moral of story, things change. And it's okay. We don't need to sit there and analyze why or how or anything like that… We can just accept it and move.

I don't know. I think I'm changing. I look at myself, and I'm different than I was in May. Way different, actually… I just… I don't know. I'm more bold, I think… I am learning to think on my own… For myself. I get to make decisions, now. I guess for so long I abandoned bettering myself in order to better _us_, and now I'm getting to the point where it's about me. I haven't been single since I was 17. I really like it…. And I think, what I've learned…

Well…

I don't know. To say this whole experience—the dating Roy, the breaking up, the love confessions, Jim—to say it wasn't good… Well, I don't know if you can say that. I mean yeah, it hurt like hell. The circumstances are not fun. Break best friend's heart, break off engagement. Yeah, sounds like not fun… but see, the thing is… it's still good. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that it's really changed how I think and really, who I am… And I think that's good.

You see… this whole debacle has made me question relationships. Made me look at them and figure out what they're about… And you know what? I love being single. I love coming home to an empty house, making myself dinner if and when I feel like it… I love all of that. I just… I thrive on it. I guess it's one of those things where you look at it and you realize it's better than the alternative… Unless you meet an alternative that's better.

That didn't make sense. It made sense to me, but yeah. Basically, what I'm saying is… Why do we have this fascination with dating? We'll date _anyone_! I don't want to do that. I want to wait until someone is really, honestly worth it. Someone who kicks singleness's ass. That's who I'm waiting for. And hell, if he never comes, well, then, there goes that plan for my life. But I'm sick of hiding. I'm sick of being dependent.

I love being alone. Because even though I'm alone, I'm not alone. I'm an introvert. I'm not going to ever be comfortable with large crowds, and having someone with me all the time… it just gets on my nerves. I need recharging. And so until I find someone okay with that… Well, single is the word for me.

I mean, yes. I want to fall in love. I want to get married. I want to have kids. I want to grow old together. I want the balcony up at the top with marigolds… but if I don't get that, that's okay. I mean, how many people _do_ get that? And it's only worth it if you're with the right person. If I had that with Roy… Well, would it be the vision I have in my mind? No. Would it be better? That I don't know. I suspect not.

All that to say, I'm staying single for a while. Because even though it feels good to be noticed, and even though it's amazing to hear _I love you_s, and even though it's fun to dress up for someone… Well, it's not worth it if it's not the right person. What good are _I love you_s if it's not from someone you want to love you? I don't know. Maybe one day I'll change my heart, and I'll get back into the dating market, but for now, I'm going to work on telling myself _I love you_. And dressing up for myself. And being the girl that's confident in who she is. The one that doesn't have to replay conversations to see what he meant. Because she's the girl that either doesn't care, or would just flat out ask him.

Yeah, I want to be that girl. But I'm not. I'm not the girl that can just let things shrug off her shoulders and move on. I'm not the girl that can talk to someone and not be reminded of how good his lips feel on mine, how good it feels to laugh… How beautiful I felt when I was with him. I'm not the girl that can experience all of that, and then just let it fall by the wayside. I hate to admit it because to admit it means I have to accept the fact that I will probably never be fully over him. I will never get over how that man makes me feel. I will never get over the butterflies. I will never stop replaying that kiss, my words… Our mistakes.

I might learn to live with them, but I will never forget them. They are forever engrained in me. A part of me now. A part of me that sits at home, alone, eating ice cream and wondering if he's doing the same thing I am. Wondering if he _really_ did want to go home, or if he was just being as awkward as I was… I wonder if he was smiling while we were talking. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder if he plays pranks. I wonder if he's found a new best friend. I wonder if it will ever, ever be the same…. And if it never is the same, I wonder if it will ever, ever stop hurting this bad.

The thing is, I lost. So what if he had three nines? I still lost that night. I lost any innocence I had left in me. I lost my ability to hide under the lies… I lost my deception, my best friend… I lost a lot of things, none of which I wanted to lose. I sent one man packing so I could invite another one in, but I ended up losing both. And you know what scares me? I'm not sure if I still would have let Roy go if I'd known Jim would leave me. Yeah, now I would. I know that. New Pam would have, but that Pam? No, that Pam was so scared. She was so scared… and of what?

She was scared that one day, she'd be feeling the very same feelings that she's feeling right this instant. She was scared that one day, she'd look back, shake her head, and say _I'd have done a lot of things different._ She was scared that she'd be alone. She was scared that she'd have to figure out who she was. She was scared that she would have to be vulnerable, real, and open… She was scared. Point blank. She was scared that she would be missing _him_. She just didn't know which him she was scared of.

And now she knows. When you fall out of love and you close that window, you let your heart fall for someone else. It might have been wrong of me to let my heart close up to Roy and open so vividly to Jim, but it happened. And I fell in love. And he did too. And now we're broken, and apart, and I miss him more than I ever thought I'd miss anyone in my life. Because the only person that understands me… the me beneath the masks I've put up… the me separate from Roy… the me that is at the center and core of my existence… well, the only person that knows that me is him… And I wonder if he knows how I'm feeling right now. I wonder if he knows how much I miss him. How desperately I long to just talk to him. To play a prank with him. To laugh with him. But I don't think he does… because for so long, he tried so hard to know me. Sometimes we put walls up to see who cares enough to knock them down… Who cares enough to get close to us. To go through all that work… And he did. He knocked them down… but then I wonder, does he still care that much? Has he shut himself off to me? To my heart? And I wonder… why can't I let it go? The feelings, the memories… Why can't I live with them, learn to love them, learn to count them as a part of who I am?

Am I always going to feel this raw, exposed in his presence? In his memory? I wonder…

_Tell you what, the truth is…. Sometimes I miss you so much I can hardly stand it._ _–Brokeback Mountain_

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_Let me know what you think! Review, review! 


	28. Diwali

A/N: Sorry for the delay. I lost my computer and my files and yada yada yada. So I'm back with this story. I just updated Alpha last week too, for those of you who double read. 

Review Replies:

Small Tuna- Thanksss! I love this episode too! I didn't elaborate on that because I think Pam wouldn't want to dwell on it because it was so obviously not in her favor, but you might see some more of that come into play today   
Yabberli- Well, I hope they see the light too. But I think we have a few more episodes ;)  
Kerber- Thank you, thank you! You're the bestest!  
Anon- Aren't we all like Pam in some way or another? We're all doubting, regretting fools.  
SallyJetson- I think it's a lesson we all need to learn at some point or another, and I think she learned it somewhere in the course of season three.  
JAM- yeah, Pam and I are also a lot alike. And Singles Awareness Day. Awesomeness. My date for SAD was a four year old.  
Brody- Some of it will, but honestly, some of her confidence won't. She's going to learn how to get it from other places, and I think by Beach Day, she's a bit more… well, she doesn't rely on Jim for her confidence. And that's so good, and so attractive.  
Abyssion- Wow! Thanks! I try really hard to keep her in character, so I'm glad she is in your eyes!

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October 15, 2006

Today, I, Pamela Beesly, actually danced in public. I know, crazy right!? I'm such a dorky dancer, and it takes so much prodding and pushing to get me out on the dance floor, but today, I owned the dance floor. Well, maybe not owned it. But I at least walked over it and danced. I don't think I've actually danced at a dance since like, eighth grade. I went with a group of girlfriends to our end of the year dance, and we were all going to different schools the next year, and all of the boys were gross, so I figured, hey, what the hell. But since then, I haven't really had a dance where there was _nobody_ I was even remotely interested in there… It's funny. I'm saying "a dance" like we have them all the time, but the funny thing is that I've actually been to a few in the past few years. Wedding receptions and what not of all of Roy and I's friends from college and high school (not that we had that many), and stuff.

I just always felt like Roy was embarrassed of me or something when we went dancing. I mean, I know he wasn't. I'm sure he thought it was adorable in that strange way men sometimes do when they see their girlfriends doing silly things. But I was embarrassed by it. I've never claimed to be beautiful or a good dancer or anything like that, and dancing just seems to showcase off how beautiful you aren't. I mean, really. It's all of these little hot rods rubbing themselves against the personal trainers of various gyms, and little pudgy old me doesn't really have much to offer in that area. It's usually best to just sit to the side and drink punch and talk to someone… Which I enjoy more, for the most part… but every now and then I just want to dance.

So today, I said screw it. I went to Diwali without a date and with no attachment to anyone whatsoever. I mean, I know some of the people there from work and stuff, but other than that, what was I doing? I mean, really, who am I trying to impress? Kevin? (Was that mean?) I just felt like I could let go and have a good time and dance the night away, and it was all good. And I know people were watching me because Angela told me it looked like I was having fun, and I'm not sure what that means because it's Angela, but she seemed genuinely okay with me dancing. I thought for sure she believed dancing hell, but I guess she's more mainstream than I once thought.

But anyway, I let my hair down today. Literally, and figuratively. I spent some time on it, which is not normal for me, but I figure, hey, I can dress up for myself, thanks. I don't need a man to make me dress up and look pretty. I should be doing it because I am me and because it makes me feel good when I look pretty. So that's why I did it. And I mean, it's not like I went all out and wore a prom dress or anything, but I did my hair and wore more than just jeans and a t-shirt… I don't know. I'm talking about this like it's some big thing and it's not… But you know what? Yes, it is a big thing. It is. I'm learning to dress up for myself and dance for myself, and yeah, even though sometimes during the song I was wondering what I looked like dancing, I didn't really care. I was doing it for me, and if someone happened to be paying attention, well… I guess I just lost the desires of the sleaze ball watching me.

It was actually nice though. Going somewhere by myself. I got to leave when I wanted to, and I was free to do what I wanted to do. Normally, this isn't fun for me… I mean, it really never is. I hate being outside of my comfort zone, and I always want there to be someone for me to talk to or something. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe because I think if there's someone for me to talk to there's no reason for me to be lonely or something, but yeah. I stepped out of my comfort zone today, and it was good. But honestly, even if I hadn't stepped out of it entirely, something happened today that would have forced me to step out of it.

The thing is, Michael tried to kiss me today. He'd just broken up with Carol (after proposing to her), and was sitting on the steps all alone, and I just kinda thought, _hey, two lonely people sitting on a step. No harm, no foul _so I sat next to him and we were talking… I was trying to be genuine and sincere and… I don't know, supportive of him, but I guess I was too supportive, or I said something wrong because at some moment, he got the idea that I… wanted him or something. I don't really know what he thought—I gave up trying to figure out the inner workings of Michael's mind quite a while ago. But the thing is, I'm sitting there staring into space, thinking, and I look over and Michael's face is inching closer and closer to me, and his eyes are closed, and it's all I can do to not blurt out something completely heinous at him. And so we share our awkward moment where I reject him and he tries to pretend like he wasn't trying to kiss me. But I was a little too blunt about that. I don't know. I called it like it was. How very un-Pam of me.

But see… I know that I should be disgusted by the fact that Michael tried to kiss me. I know it's revolting, and disgusting, and just completely demoralizing. Not that Michael is a bad guy. He really, really isn't. He's sweet and he has a good heart. But the man picks women that … are beautiful and somewhat shallow in some ways. I don't really know how to describe it. But my parents and my sisters have always told me that I have these great qualities, and it's always kind of been in one of those ways where it's like _you have great qualities, and if you can find someone to look at those, you'll be okay_ as kind of a… make up for what's lacking in the looks department kind of way. And the thing is, I kind of have always believed it. Like, inside, yeah, I think I could make someone happy. But outside? What's that about?

So I don't know. I was disgustingly flattered when Michael tried to…kiss me. I don't know if flattered was quite the right word. At first I was really absolutely one hundred percent disgusted. But doesn't it say something that a guy that's only interested in big boobs and a pretty face was interested in me? I know I'm looking at it the wrong way, but there's just some part of me that is really… relieved that I'm attractive in the shallowest way? I don't know how to describe it, really… And I know it's Michael, and he really could have been just wanting to try out the Kama Sutra (which between you and me, diary, looks quite… good…) but I don't know. I guess I needed someone to just say that I'm beautiful on the outside as well as the inside. Even if it was in that grossly disturbing way. It did give me a bit of confidence, and really, is that so wrong?

But let me interrupt to just say that I have never, ever, not then, not now, not ever wanted to date Michael or kiss Michael or do anything resembling either of those two things. Eww.

But back to my confidence, and Michael shooting it up a bit with his lip-locking attempt. I desperately needed some today. Maybe not desperately… but after last week's strange telephone call ending with Jim (which really, what was that? I still can't decide if he _really _wanted to go or if he was just being awkward and trying to back out gracefully too? I really have no idea. Help me out here, diary) I'm feeling a bit not-so-confident in myself and… I mean, I know the guy fell in love with me once, but I don't know… and then I guess today he just shot the rest of it because I texted him, and he didn't even text back. How do you not text back to someone when they say _Michael proposed to Carol. Don't even think she knew they were dating. _But somehow, he didn't. And I'm not sure if it's me, or our cell phone providers, or just that he doesn't care or whatever it is… but it's something. And now I'm not quite so sure of myself, here.

"_Dance like nobody's watching. Love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth." –Mark Twain_

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Let me know what you think! Review, review!


	29. Branch Closing

A/N: I'm back. And I'm sorry it's taken so long. Life is busy, life is hectic, and all of those other wonderful excuses. But, here we are, once again, with Branch Closing. Hope you all enjoy it. Also, if you haven't read my new story, (Comforters, cozy pillows, and a chapter of a book) you should. :)

Review Replies:

flawedhalo- I very much appreciate your review! thanks so much, and please keep it up!  
tophetangel- thank you!  
- Wow! Thank you so much! Facebook is addicting, isn't it?  
Mrs. Brody- hahaha, i know, right? Besides, isn't Kevin retarded? ;)  
lulu- I'm the same way as you and Pam when it comes to parties! I have to know somebody, or I don't go.. trying to get over it, though.  
Nat- you're the best! hope you enjoy this one! (also, don't know if you saw the new fic i posted earlier this week, but i think you'd like it!)  
kates- thank you! that means a lot!  
sara- oh wow, thanks! and yeah, i think the flattered even when you shouldn't be thing is common... hell, i get flattered when someone honks as i'm walking down the street. yikes.  
.story- thank you so much!!

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October 25, 2006

I've been reading this awesome book called _Summer Sisters._ It's by Judy Blume, and I know she writes like all of her books for little girls with braces, but I think this one was written for adults, or at least teenagers, and I really like it. I'm about half way through it, and it's made me think a lot about my life and everything that's going on, but what I really love about the story is that it paints such a picture of this life these girls have.

The story is about these girls who are in fifth grade, and there's this one girl, Vix, who is eerily like me and is kind of a pudgy loner who has nothing going for her, really. And then there's this other girl, Caitlin, who is that pretty, beauty queen type who travels the world and has everything she could ever want. And in like, fifth grade, Caitlin asks Vix to come away with her for the summer to Martha's Vineyard, and Vix goes and they get really close. And they do all these things together and have all of these experiences together, and then they go back to their own lives and Caitlin moves... but every year, Vix and Caitlin go back to Martha's Vineyard for the summer. And they share turkey legs, and they go swimming, and they have boyfriends and every now and then they do stuff with each other... and they're just really comfortable with each other and they become like sisters. And right now Caitlin is about to steal Vix's boyfriend, so I'm not sure what's going to happen for the rest of the book, but I am excited to see.

I remember when I was in middle school, there were these two girls. Chelsea and Meagan. They would come to school every day and you could just tell they were best friends. You could tell they told each other everything and did everything together. In seventh grade, they both came in with matching pierced ears, and I was so jealous. And everything was always _we. _They didn't do anything without each other, and one time we were doing a group project in class, and Chelsea and Meagan were talking about how they were going to have a spend the night that weekend, and I asked them about it and Meagan told me they spent the night at each other's houses every night. She said their parents had basically decided Chelsea and Meagan were like sisters, so they just had all their stuff at both houses and were literally like sisters. I mean, Meagan kept her clothes and makeup at Chelsea's house, and Chelsea called Meagan's mom and dad 'mom and dad' and it was just this really weird thing.

And I remember being so jealous of them, to have that friendship. In middle school, I was such a dork. I had braces, and I had that little thing for an overbite where there's like a bracket that extends across your mouth. And I had zits all over my chin, and I didn't know how to do my make up, and my hair was always going wild. I was a little kid trying to be a big kid, and it was just not working for me. And I was alone, all the time. I was that kid in the back that was shy and quiet that nobody ever noticed. I was the kid that was in the yearbook that people looked at and asked 'who's that?'. I watch that movie with the undercover cop. Who plays a high school student. The one with Drew Barrymore? I can't remember what it's called, but this girl is a pathetic loser and the guys pour sprite down her backpack so it looks like she's peeing and she wears awful clothes and the just looks so unfortunate and they call her "josey grossy". I was that girl. Except I was Pam, not Josey, so there weren't that many jokes made at my expense. But I was a loner. I had one friend in middle school. Her name was Annette, and she was half Puerto-Rican but her mother named her, not her father, so she had a normal name. She went by Annie in middle school, but nobody liked that for her, so everyone called her Annette anyway. But she would come to school and go straight to class and start doing homework. She was one of those kids that did extra homework, which was good because I was really bad at it anyway, so she helped me with mine. And that's just how we were. People thought we always did everything together because we were close, but really, she just knew how to do homework. I'm not sure why she was friends with me, but I was friends with her because of the homework. I think she just liked that I called her Annie and didn't make puerto rican jokes.

But Annie was hardly the Caitlin to my Vix... I didn't tell her about my crush on Scott Kornagey, who Chelsea was always dating on-and-off. I've never had that girlfriend to talk to about that kind of stuff, and I've never had that sister. Not like Caitlin and Vix had, or like Chelsea and Meagan did. I was always left out, and a loner. And I don't know, I've always wanted that best friend to tell everything to. And I don't know, in all the time I've been alive, the person closest to me, even including Roy, was probably Jim. I mean, really. We had a lot of laughs, and I told him a lot of things. He was like my go-to guy when I had nobody to turn to, and I really liked that. I remember the first time we talked about serious stuff. Roy had just gone to the lake house with Kenny for the weekend, and I wasn't happy because that meant he couldn't come to my niece's birthday party, and I was telling Jim about it, and he completely backed me up. And it was weird. Because I'm pretty sure I'm overreacting, but Jim was still backing me up. Maybe in one of those "I'm your friend so I'm on your side," ways, but he was still backing me up.

I don't know, I guess I miss that. I just read this little short chapter where Vix was talking about how she missed the way things had been with Caitlin when they were younger, and that's kind of how I feel about Jim. Not that Jim is my summer sister or anything, but I miss talking to him and texting him stupid things. Like today, I was walking outside and I was waving at someone I thought I knew and I was texting my mom and I fell in a hole. Like straight into the hole, sat down and everything. And I was half-laughing, half-crying from embarrassment, and I wanted to get out my phone and text him. I wanted to tell him that I just fell in a hole, but then I remembered I _couldn't_. Because we aren't talking... and it's not even like I slept with his girlfriend or... wait, that's not right. I don't know. It's not like one of us really screwed everything up by chopping off a family member's head or something. We just made a few mistakes, and I don't really know how we could have done anything differently... I mean, the man told me he was in love with me while I was still engaged to somebody else. That's big... and I could have been honest with him and told him I loved him back, and that I did feel everything he felt, but that's just... I couldn't do that. And even if I could have, I didn't... And that's what really eats me up.

I told him I was marrying Roy. No part of me ever believed I was really going to marry Roy. Deep down, I knew that wasn't going to happen. That's why it took two years to plan. Every time I got down to circling chicken or fish, I just couldn't do it. We got RSVP card from our family and his friends, and yet, I couldn't even circle my own RSVP card. I just never really thought it was going to happen, and I know every little girl wonders if it's ever going to happen for her, but this was different. This should have gone away, and it didn't. But it scared the shit out of me because I wasn't sure what would happen if I let myself hear that I didn't think it was going to happen. And when Jim said he loved me... what was I supposed to do? Suddenly acknowledge that with Jim standing right there? Kiss him, tell him I loved him, and go and break off my entire life? What if I really had been drunk? I don't know... It was late at night, and things always seem like a better idea when it's late at night and not early morning. That's why bad things happen in the dark and not in the middle of the day. Because people lose their common sense and do stupid things, and if I'd done that... wouldn't have I lost everything I'd been holding on to for the past ten years?

I could have kissed him back. I could have said I love you. I could have told him I needed to think about it. I could have told him I wasn't sure. I could have done all of it, but it wouldn't have been _enough._ Not for me, or for him. If I kissed him back, told him I loved him, hell, did what I really _wanted_ to do with him, I would have felt like shit. I would have felt like that horrible fiance who after ten years puts her paws on someone else. And it would have been my fault. And the guilt would have gnawed at me. And I would never have been right with myself... Not that this was going through my head, but I think it would have happened. I was just flabbergasted... And you know, if it had gone the other way. If I had asked for time... that wouldn't have been okay with Jim. He wanted an answer, and he wanted it then. He was sick of waiting... and I couldn't give it to him right that minute. And now he's gone, so I guess it wasn't that important to him that he stuck around...

I don't think he knows Roy and I aren't together anymore... I don't even know if it would make a difference. If he doesn't know, it's too late for me to shoot him an email. I mean, we haven't talked since that night, and even if we had, what do I say? _"By the way, Jim... Three months ago I was supposed to get married and I didn't. Thought I'd tell you." _Yeah, a little late, there. And if he has heard, well, he obviously doesn't care that much since he didn't send me an email of congratulations or anything. I don't know. We used to be such good friends, and now I'm just wondering if we'll ever be that way again. I mean, I miss him. I really do. There are all these little things that remind me of him, and I feel like they are forever going to be engrained in me. I don't really know how to describe it, but my heart literally aches when I see hot sauce packets. Hot sauce packets, of all things. Because they remind me of a picnic we had where I put one on my hot dog thinking it was ketchup. And I remember how he laughed with me... And the way he smiled and switched hot dogs with me... and how he said multiple times how hot his hot dog was, teasing me... And every morning when I make my cup of tea, or have my yogurt, I think about him... how he knew it was going to expire, or about the teapot he gave me. And every wednesday night, I come home and I make a grilled cheese sandwich. It's become a tradition... Just a simple reminder of how good we used to have it, back when we were friends. And I feel like when I finally let that go... If there's ever a Wednesday I don't have grilled cheese... it's going to break my heart. And when I stop having yogurt for breakfast, or switch to a cup of coffee... that's going to break my heart too. Because the truth is, he's everywhere. He's become such a part of my life that there's nowhere I can go, and nowhere I can do to escape him...

I thought, maybe, today, there would be a chance. A chance to start over and leave him behind and try to become just Pam. Try to find out who I am without him. This morning Michael came in and told us our branch was closing, and at first... I don't know, at first I was really shocked and upset. But I took the morning to internalize it and go over it in my mind, and I don't know. It would have been good. I could have taken the severance and gone to art school, maybe got a different job, or taken out a loan. I could have boosted my self-esteem by simply not being around Michael... and I could have maybe forgotten about Jim. I wouldn't have to look at the desk where he used to sit, or see the grilled cheese maker he left behind in the cupboard every day. I wouldn't have to be reminded of Flonkerton, or three hole punch Jim, or any of the things that have infiltrated my days at the office with memories of him. I could distant myself from every bit of him that was in my memory, and maybe start to forget him... Maybe start to forgive myself for screwing it all up, and maybe start to move on a little bit...

But as all things that involve Michael do, those plans came crashing down. Just as I was getting used to the idea of being laid off and learning to adjust to a brand new life, and just as I was starting to look at art schools around the country, and starting to look at prices and apartments and wondering if I could really do it... be a student, live on my own, make new friends... Jan came in and informed us all that our jobs were safe, and that it was actually Samford being shut down, and the worst news of all... some of them were transferring back.

So I spent my afternoon in a tizzy, wondering anxiously what it all meant and what would happen. I had no idea if Jim would come back. If he didn't, he'd be without a job... but would they even offer one to him? Of course they would... he's an excellent salesman when he wants to be... but would he take it? And that's what scared me the most. Both that he would take it and that he wouldn't... Because if he did take it, how would things look for us? Would we be those best friends that ignored each other all day every day because of a fight? Would things just be awkward? Would it be a constant dagger knowing things weren't what they were, and that they would never be? Would all of that pain just return, day after day, in an even worse way because he'd be sitting in that seat that reminded me of all the good times we had? Or when I walked into the kitchen, and the grilled cheese maker was cooling on the counter after he'd made one? Would all that pain come back? And even then... if he didn't come back. I would know it was because he didn't want to see me. What other reason would there be? If he didn't, he'd be jobless. I'm the only reason he wouldn't come back, and the idea that maybe he really had moved on... that maybe he hated me so much he would give up everything he had to just keep away from me... it made me sick to my stomach.

But then Phyllis told me he's coming back. And now I'm not sure what to do about that. My hands are constantly sweating in that way they do when you're nervous, and even when I try to wipe them on my pajama bottoms, they seem to not lose any of the sweatiness they had before... And my heart is beating faster than it ever has before, and my mind is whirling like those spinning teacups rides on TV when you see someone go to Disney World. My stomach is in jumbles. I have no idea what to do when he walks in the door. I want to give him a huge hug, apologize to him, kiss him like I should have. Tell him he wasn't wrong, our friendship was something more... but I can't do that. I don't know anything about him anymore, and I don't know what he wants from me, or what he expects from me. And I don't even know how to begin to break the ice of our friendship. Everything has always been so complicated, and really, I just want him back. But I don't want a new him. I want what we were before. Before the confession, and the breakdown. Before the kiss, and the periwinkle dress, and the three nines. I want everything before that. I want the fabric softener and the rooftop dates. I want Jim back. But I don't think I can handle the pain of backtracking.

I got home from work today, crawled into bed, and cried to myself. I played with my hands, tossed and turned. Eventually, I fell asleep with a throbbing headache. I just woke up, and it's 9:38. Normally, this is when I go to bed. I tried to make myself a grilled cheese sandwich, but today, it's not like it normally is. Normally, the smell comforts me. I can remember him, and the good times with him. The days when he would make me a grilled cheese and leave it on my desk if I was too busy to take a lunch break. I remember eating them on the rooftop, watching fireworks, doing our thing... But today, it just made me sick to my stomach. And I wonder... next week, Jim will be back, and I'll know what's going on with us, and how our friendship is going to play out... and I wonder what the smell of grilled cheese will do to me then. And I wonder if I'll ever get my Caitlin or my Vix... if I'll ever find that friendship again. Or if I'm just destined to lose it.

"_Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurt themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over." -Gloria Naylor_

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Th-th-th-th-that's all folks! Review! Let me know what you're thinking!


	30. The Merger

A/N: Sorry this is such a short one, I just figured it would be, and when getting into Pam's head, this is where she told me to stop... More soon. I know I say that all the time, so if it's been a few days and I haven't written anything, give me a holler. I want to write a lot of this story over the break :)

Review Replies:

Nat- Thanks so much, Nat! You're great :) And yes, I loved the season premiere. However, not a fan of Moroccan Christmas. I love my Angela, and I understand her, and just ugh on Phyllis!  
JAMonmytoast/Sara- Wow! Thank you so much! I love hearing your comments on my work, and I'm so glad to have you as one of my readers! I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint, even if it is short. :)  
Kerber- Thanks so much!! You're great, and thanks for your input!  
Tophet- Thank you!!!! :)  
Alison- How do you sleep at night? Hah! I miss you, friend! And hopefully soon we'll get to chat-you are always the best at MAKING me write another chapter :)  
Ianmwolf- Here you go! Thanks for reading :)

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November 2, 2006

Ever since I was a little girl, there's been this innate naivety within me that I just can't shake. All growing up, I've had this faith in the world that a lot of people don't seem to have. Sometimes, I'd hide it away a bit, try to pretend it wasn't there because to pretend it was there would be to admit that I wasn't ready to let go, that I wasn't ready to move on. And to admit it was there seemed childish, foolish even. But it's been there since I was a little girl, and now, as an adult, it seems to be my downfall.

I don't know where exactly it came from, but I can remember very clearly, even as a young child, believing when things were seemingly impossible. I remember watching football games with my dad, and even after the quarter was over, and the referee had blown his whistle, and the crowds had gone home, I believed somehow, our team would still win the big game. Or when I caught my dad bringing out the presents late Christmas Eve one year, setting them up perfectly, and eating Santa's cookies. Drinking santas milk.. Even when the next morning there were no extra presents, and the ones "from Santa" I'd seen in his hands the night before, I still believed that somehow, Santa existed. Somehow, this could all be explained, even if I couldn't explain it myself. And as you grow up, people expect you to lose this sense of naivety. People expect that you'll be disappointed, and you'll grow to learn that the world doesn't always work out the way you want it to. That when your parents say you're not getting a car the day you turn sixteen, you really won't be. And yet, somehow, I missed the memo about letting go of the naïve preconceptions and ideas that life will turn out perfect... turn out the way I want it to, even. And that both scares me and makes me feel foolish, so I keep that part of me... that optimism even in the face of no hope... hidden from the world, for fears that they'll laugh at me.

So even though I told myself constantly that things wouldn't be the same... even though other people told me, and looking back on our relationship, of course I know things would never, ever be the same. Declarations of love automatically mean things will be different. I should have known this, and you know, maybe I did know this. But the problem was that there's a small part of me, a sliver of hope in a world of uncertainty that kept me hoping and wishing that it would be the same... That somehow, things would go back to the way they used to be. That he didn't change at all, that he would still be the Jim he was before the casinos and the three nines and the periwinkle dress...Which is foolish. I certainly have not stayed the same.

Part of me pictured him coming in the door, me jumping up and running to him, and him taking me in his arms. Telling him that there was no longer a wedding, that I was in love with him, that I'd missed him... and he'd pick me up in his arms, twirl me around, kiss me, and say we could just forget the last few months and pretend they never happened. Pretend that I'd kissed him back that night, that I'd confessed my love to him, and that we'd moved on from there... Part of me expected that, but it didn't happen. He evolved. He's busy. He's seeing someone. He's into bottled water now. He's not the same Jim he was six months ago, and he'll never be that Jim to me again.

So yeah, maybe I should let him go. Maybe I should say goodbye to this vision of who he was and who he could be. Maybe I should accept the fact that he's "evolved" and that he's seeing someone, and that he seems happy enough, and that he will never be mine. Maybe I should just learn to live with the fact that I made the biggest mistake of my life. And I would do that. I really would. I would pick it up and give it my best, really shove him out of my life and out of my heart. The only problem is, that small sliver... that small piece of my heart that is unshatteringly optimistic... that part of my heart that is always expecting the impossible, always wanting the unattainable, seeing things that are truly unable to come true as being the truth. Making the unattainable things, attainable. Making the impossible, possible... That little part of me. That sliver of hope. That small fraction of me that believes in everything, keeps me from throwing out the idea of Jim and I, keeps me from discarding it... Because the truth is, that small sliver of me still really believes he's it for me. That small sliver of hope really still believes we'll get it right... One day, our timing will match up. And it's that small sliver that makes me both miserable and ecstatic. That gives me the best and worst days of my life. That keeps me from turning my back on him... That keeps me from giving up. That gives me hope.

"_Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before." -Unknown_

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_A/N: I hope you like it! I really think this is how Pam would be feeling, if only because I am going through the same stuff right now. Let me know what you think! :)

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	31. The Convict

_A/N: I'm so sorry I've forsaken this gorgeous story! I forget how much I love to write it, just because it takes some work, but I will not forsake it again! I will finish it when Pam tells me it's over, but not before the end of season three, I promise! Thank you for keeping me on my toes with it, and for still reading it :) Also, some of you may think it's a stretch chapter from the last one, but I just think this is where Pam's mind might wander two weeks later, after what happened with Jim and seeing it all play out. But, feel free to disagree! I hope you enjoy, though!_

Review Replies:

Lisha- Thanks so much! It's great to have a new reader!  
Alison- HAH. You crack me up, kiddo! I hope you love this chapter as much as I do.. I hope you find the ironic humor, haha.  
Minted Violets- THANKS! I'm glad you decided to start reading it, and sorry I'm so lousy about posting new chapters lately!  
Brunchbox- Thanks so much!!!! Sorry this wasn't that soon, but hey, college girl's gotta get some other stuff done :)  
Insaneprincess- Aww, thank you. You're awesome!  
Kerber- HAH. Yes you do! So few and far between, I know. Sorry!!! I will try to write more this week!

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November 22, 2006

There's nothing like being "set up" by the one person you want to be set up with to remind you just how alone you are. Well, maybe that's not fair. I don't know. These past few days have been interesting. This new guy from work has been coming up to me and inviting me to do all of these things that I just hate. Frisbee golf and banjo concerts and… wow. And I sat there the whole time and I just wondered… Is this what life is like now? Am I really going to have to do this all over again? This getting to know someone thing. It's so exhausting. I think about all the time I spent trying to get to know Roy or trying to get Roy to get to know me and it's all so exhausting. I'm not really interested in doing all that again. It just doesn't seem worth it… And If I'm going to have to do it with someone, I'd rather it be someone that's not so off-base to begin with.

That's the worst part about breaking up and then getting with someone new. The history. Whenever people used to complain about the whole history aspect of breaking up, my mind always did this little soliloquy that always went something like, "oh suck it up soldier." I guess I just thought about it differently than all those people. Yeah, sure, your boyfriend or girlfriend has learned a lot about you. Sure, you have lots of experiences, but you can get new ones… You know? Like, just because you don't have those ones to share doesn't mean you can't get new ones… And even if you still had those old experiences, how often do you actually talk about them anyway? Most relationships you don't even talk in! So that whole history thing is bull crap… At least the way I used to understand it. Now, now I think I get it.

The worst part about dating someone new is telling them about your history. You have to start everything over again, and after you've been in a relationship where things are known and divulged, the idea of starting back at day one with someone new is absolutely terrifying. No, not terrifying… It seems like such a waste when you've already spent ten years doing it with someone else. You have to go back and do the sexual history stuff, and the past relationships, and the family issues, and the best friend issues, and the food issues, and everything… All of these little things that seem so small when you've already shared them, but when you're waiting to share them seem like yet another reason he might decide to turn the other way and leave you… Another conditional thing to break the unconditional devotion.

It's one of those strange things, being alone after years of being with someone. Being someone's significant other. Being someone's plus 1. And then all of a sudden, scourging around to find your plus 1. Looking around and seeing that there are very few fish in the sea, so to speak, and none of them are even remotely datable. And then you sit there, in your lonely apartment watching lonely TV with complete control over the remote, and you wonder, was my last relationship really THAT bad? Was I just making it all up in my head? Was it really worth leaving over? And then you start to realize that maybe it wasn't that bad… maybe it was just all a figment of your imagination. Maybe you should have worked harder to keep it going. Maybe, just maybe, the most romantic parts about being in love are working through the tough parts… Like how Prince Charming worked through all the millions of girls to find Cinderella and give her the slipper… or how Ariel fought and fought and fought to find a way that she could be with Eric on land… or how Prince Charming slayed dragons and evil creatures just to wake Sleeping Beauty up… or how Belle, forever strong, remained a captive prisoner for years, only to find that she was really in love with the Beast…. Maybe I'm Belle. Maybe I'm supposed to stay captive, stay prisoner for years with the Beast, only to find out that the Beast is Roy? Maybe that's part of my romantic story. Maybe that's the part of my story that is just incredibly beautiful and gorgeous. Maybe my love story is that story where people leave saying "wow, I didn't see that coming." 5 stars out of 5 for originality and creativity. It's possible, right? Beauty and the Beast.

When I was little, I loved watching all the fairy tales. I could probably still recite all the Disney movies by heart. The stories of princes going after their princesses, really wanting them like that just tugged at me. I'd imagine myself being the princess. I'd get in my most beautiful dress and twirl around at the top of the stairs, just waiting for that doorbell to ring and a prince to come in and announce that he was my most wonderful prince, there to deliver me from the evils of 895 Hampton Lane and to deliver me home to his palace, where all of the plates and cups and knives and sporks were silver and shiny, and all of my dresses had lace and ribbons and life was a fairy tale and there was dancing in ball rooms and everyone that walked by would say, "There is Princess Pamela, and she is the prettiest princess in all the land." And even up through elementary, middle, high school, college… surely he'd just gotten lost! No, not lost, a prince doesn't get lost… He'd gotten distracted by evil sorcerers, trying to woo him away from me. But, he'd come for me, ever strong and never weary and eventually he'd not knock, but break down my door at just the opportune time and whisk me into the sunset. I'm 29 years old, and yes, I still hope this will one day happen.

But see, the thing about growing up is that eventually you realize that life isn't a fairy tale. You're not a princess, as much as you'd like to be, and no guy out there is a prince. And even if there was a prince out there, somehow, you find that you're not attracted to him. He's not dangerous enough, or he's too cute he must be gay, or he's got teeth that click, or he picks his nose. All of these things. So you look at the ordinary men out there. Those jocks. The buff ones. The cute ones. The ones that don't come home when they say they will. The ones that lie about where they've been or how much they've had to drink. And you know, ordinary men are fine. After all, I'm no princess. I'm just an ordinary girl. But the problem comes when an ordinary girl like me, dating an ordinary man like Roy, starts to expect the extraordinary. Starts to expect certain things out of him that he can't give and won't give, and it's ridiculous of me to expect those things out of Roy.

So even though I want to be a princess, I'm not. And yeah, I would love to live in a fairy tale, but that's not real life. And honestly, real life is more interesting. I imagine balls would get boring day in and day out, and sometimes, I like to eat on the little kid's plates they sell at Target. Nemo is my favorite. And I don't want to have to call my husband "your highness" because I'm sure one day he'll leave the toilet seat up and he'll leave his underwear in the kitchen and I'll not be very happy about it. So maybe it's better that I'm here, living in real life, than out there with the fairy tale…

But then again, who says it can't be a little bit of both? Who says Roy can't be the Beast and I can't be Belle right where we are? I don't need a library. I don't even have the time to read all of those books. Maybe the amazing thing about life is that you have spells of fairy tale mixed in with spells of real life, and that's what makes it truly beautiful. And maybe, eventually, your fairy tale has to turn back into real life when the clock strikes twelve, and instead of sitting there, wondering what happened to it, you have to find a way to get the fairy tale back. That's all relationships are, really…. Having a fairy tale, it turning into real life, then trying to get it back. Maybe it's time I start trying to get that fairy tale back. Start believing that I can be Belle and Roy can be the Beast and we can live happily ever after.

_I believe in fairytales and dreamers dreams like bed sheet sails, and I believe in Peter Pan and miracles and anything I can to get by. And fireflies._ – Fireflies, Faith Hill

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A/N: Please review! They keep me posting :)


	32. Benihana Christmas

What? Another installment already? What can I say, it's spring break!

Review Replies:

springchild- Thanks so much! And thanks so much for the PM! I'd forgotten about this here story until you sent me a PM, so thanks a bunch :)  
Alison- only time will tell  
wolf- thanks so much! I love to hear that!!!

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December 13, 2006

I am so ready for Christmas! I've always loved Christmas. It's the one time a year where people give you tons of presents, but the spotlight isn't all on you. Birthdays are okay, but it's like, everyone's always calling you and talking to you and all of a sudden you're on display for the whole world to see. I hate being on display. I'd rather just blend in. Christmas is perfect for that because you get all the love and all the presents, but less of the spotlight. You don't have to dress up and be cute because everybody's going to be staring at you all day. You just have to be. And there's no added expectation of having a perfect day. And what the hell do people mean by, this is "your day"? People always say that to me on my birthday. "Have a great day! This is your day!" So, wait a minute, why am I even here the other 364 days of the year? I was under the impression every day was mine to live. That's why I say Christmas is better than birthdays… well, at least one reason.

Christmas is really fun at the Beesly house. Well, that's not really true… I think it's just normal. It's the one time a year where Daddy doesn't get on the computer or go out to play golf, and where my sister doesn't lock herself in her room painting her nails, and where the food is always good. I sound like I live at home. I don't. I just really appreciate going home for Christmas and waking up to sweet rolls Christmas morning, and opening my stocking and opening my presents and taking pictures with my family and just having time together. I miss them, even though I don't like to admit it. Oh! And another reason Christmas trumps birthdays—you get work off! Every time. No question. And you get a party. It's like a given. And nobody sings to you!

So the countdown is twelve days. Twelve days until Christmas! I am like a little kid. I am just so ready to be off work for a few days! And this year, Christmas is on Friday, and Christmas Eve is Thursday, so we get Thursday and Friday off! Four days straight! Normally I don't mind working, but lately I feel like it's been pulling teeth, just the experience of being there is. I don't know what it is, but I used to feel like there was a reason to go to work. Not that I think my work is really helping the world or changing people's lives or anything… I mean, all I do is answer the phone. But I still had fun at work most days. Yeah, a lot of them were boring, but there were little spaces in the day where I could talk to friends, or I played games or paid my bills, played pranks or something… There always seemed to be something to redeem my day. Some little break… but now I feel like my friends aren't quite the same.

I mean, obviously I'm still friends with people at work. I've always got Kevin, Phyllis, or Oscar, or heaven forbid, Angela… It just feels different. I mean, Jim's my best friend at work, and probably always will be. We've just got too much in common for anyone else to really usurp him (isn't that a cool word? Usurp!) regardless of what happens in our relationship. But things have been different lately… He's got this new girlfriend, and at first I didn't like her… I mean, she's pretty and she's nice, I suppose… She's got a bit of an edge to her. She's not exactly what I would have envisioned for Jim as someone he'd be with, but I don't really know if he's even thinking long-term or anything. We don't talk about Karen much… And I'm starting to like her more… I just had to get over the jealousy factor… I mean I'm not jealous that she's dating Jim… It's more like, I miss my best friend. And I'm jealous that she gets to spend time with him. But anyway, I decided to make more of an effort to be friendly with her. Not that I'm an unfriendly person, by any means, but I just figured it's more fun if we are friends, right? It'll be better for all three of us. I think Jim is a little put off by it, but oh well. I like Karen, and we're getting along well enough…

Like today, we threw our Christmas Party together. It was really fun! Angela normally takes the party planning, which is ridiculous because she has more work to do than I do, and she's not even that good at it… I just feel like Angela and parties don't really miss… Anyway, end tangent. Karen and I threw a Christmas party just to piss Angela off, really. And it was fun! We had a margarita party and a karaoke machine and it was really great. Then we ended up combining the parties, which was even better because then we got Angela's brownies too, and those things are freaking phenomenal.

So, I'm just sitting, waiting for Christmas. Cause I'm a little kid at heart. I'm excited about the new year, too. I have a feeling 2007 will be a good year. I say this every December and so far I think every year has been a good year! So I think it works. But I don't know, maybe there will be something different this year, I feel like there's something new coming, and I'm excited about it. I think I might take an art class next semester, too. I'm thinking about it… Watercolor, maybe. I don't know. We'll see.

"_An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." – Bill Vaughan_

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